I know you know what it feels like to be angry. Really, really angry. It’s like a fire burning in your gut. You want to lash out and scream. Maybe hit something and inflict pain upon the source of your anger. Even the quieter anger has an undercurrent of that red hot fire. Like a cartoon version of anger, with steam blowing out your ears, or the evil witch with fire in her eyes…
Some people live with a fire of anger burning inside of them, lashing out because they’re burning up from the inside out.
But what happens when you dont want to live like that, and so the fire goes out, but the anger remains?
You’re left with ash.
I recently read a baby loss mom describe feeling as though her insides were filled with black ash and I thought “I know that feeling well.”
When Liat began to grow, from a tiny little bean, into the incredible baby I ultimately gave birth to, I was filled with ash.
The flames of anger had burned through my very soul until they had nothing left to devour.
I’m a very visual person and I remember lying in bed one night imagining this little ray of light, my tiny new fetus, glowing through the blackness of my insides.
In my mind this little ray of light had to push through the black and the soot fighting for her right to shine.
In a way, I started wearing the sequins to help her. I wore the sequins to connect me to her light. I wore them as a way to make up for the darkness inside me, as an apology to my new baby for being forced to grow surrounded by the darkness of my pain and grief.
When Liat was born, with her blond hair, pale skin, bright hazel eyes and easy smile, she honestly embodied light. Strangers would often, randomly refer to her as “Sunshine”- which was ironically, her sisters name, and remark on her warm, loving & happy energy.
As she’s gotten older, I continue to be amazed at the sweetness of her nature and wonder if she’d still be that way if I hadn’t found some light during my pregnancy.
I was six months pregnant here. Only 9 months after the loss. I remember this day so well, I was somewhere between deep grief and an aching desire to feel happy. We had so many friends over for our annual vegan-fest (Annual in that it was the only one we’ve ever had. ) and I wore that shirt because Liat and I looked like a disco ball in it and it always made other people smile.
We choose how we want our moments to feel. We choose our perspective and we choose how we show up the world.
What’s your choice?