I wrote this post 6 months ago. I postdated it for today, Molly’s Birthday, and the date the twins were conceived.
And then, I promptly forgot about it. Because, although I meant every word of it, I couldn’t see HOW I could truly help.
And I’d see this post in my “pending” box on my blog, and think- “well, that’s not going to happen, that post’s not going to go live.” But life has a funny way of making things happen.
I was recently asked this question.
“What Pisses you off the most in this world.”
It was suggested that the answer to this question is the also the answer to “Where does your passion live?” “What is your life’s purpose?” “How can you make a change in this world?”
Hmmmm… Got me thinking.
For a bit.
And then I forgot about it.
But then, I got pissed off. And I remembered.
So, what pissed me off so passionately that it made me think of this connection?
A little while back I went to dinner with two very dear friends. They are both women I’ve met online. Both women that have lost one of their twin babies to TTTS. Both women that have impacted my life in tremendous ways. Because they have helped me through my pain and grief, and they have allowed me to help them through theirs. And both sides of that coin is a tremendous gift.
At dinner, we were having a blast. We were drinking a bit, sharing our lives and our appetizers with one another as though we were sisters… which in a way, with everything we’ve shared, we are.
A friend of a friend of one of theirs was in the restaurant and decided to join us for a drink. We were chatting with him about The Muchness, talking about how I have a site online where I encourage women to wear sparkly things and be happy. I kept it pretty lighthearted, as I didn’t think throwing in the whole history of the site was necessary. But then, he asked us each how many kids we have. Now, as any baby loss mom can tell you, in a moment that becomes the most loaded question a stranger can ask you. Not mentioning your loss can feel like a betrayal, but mentioning it, well, it’s kinda a lot to randomly drop into a conversation. We each come to terms with the answer that feels right for us, for now. For me, the answer is “I have two little girls at home.” It’s the “at home” that honors my two girls that aren’t at home, but doesn’t create an awkward moment of, um, “oh, sorry.”
So that is what I answered.
But my friends were not having it. Oh no. With friends like that, you mention ALL your kids or they will do it for you, and that is just what they did. They told this dude about Sunshine and Daisy and also about their angels. And then, this young man said something that pissed me off.
He said “My cousin lost twin girls almost three years ago. She’s never met anyone else who lost twins. She basically locked herself in her room hasn’t left her house since.”
It pissed me off because it broke my heart. It pissed me off because this woman feels so alone and isolated. It pissed me off because there is so much love in the heart of a babyloss mother- wild, fierce and passionate love that has no earthbound recipient to accept it. That love, flying freely in the world, I believe it can move mountains. But, those powerful emotions, unmanaged, turned inward, they can break you down. It pisses me off that there are women out there feeling like that, living like that, buried under the grief. It pisses me off that there is no-one to help them understand that they have the power to take that love and use it, build on it, allow it to blossom into beautiful things that they can create in this world.
I want to do that.
I want to reach out to every baby loss mom that is feeling buried beneath her grief and show her that their is beauty in her sadness, there is strength in her tears, and there is life in her baby’s memory. And it is all through her.
In the last 2 weeks, I’ve found the clarity. I’ve found the answers. And, though it may be the biggest undertaking of this Muchness Journey thus far, I am going to do it anyway. Because that’s what this journey is about. Being afraid and doing it anyway.
I believe this is why I’m here…. why my daughters are here.