At odds with myself

As I crawled into bed tonight I started feeling very emotional. I spent the day at a “full-time job”- testing for a position I am beyond qualified to fill, creating products I actually like.
I have been on the fence about whether I am going to accept a (basically) full time (4-day) position.

The idea of it terrifies me.

It feels like I’d be stepping back in time. It feels like I’d be turning my back on this life course I feel I was created for. On this gift and assignment I was given.

But It also feels like income.

And I need that.

I keep telling myself that this job will bring me peace of mind. That being around people all day, wearing muchy shoes and constantly being told how fabulously talented I am will help me reconnect to my muchness and fuel this project. But I can’t also help but feel like this job offer is more of a wake-up call. My goal when I left my last job was to put myself in the path of Muchness growing opportunities, and while I did do that, I’ve also squandered my time. I’ve been fearful and shy. I’ve been self-critical and lazy- attributes disguised as confusion.

I was watching Project Runway tonight. (I know, that was one hell of a segue.) It was the finale. I haven’t watched it all season but flipped it on while I sat and collated decks of Muchness Moments cards. What I saw made me cry.

Those finalists, they took everything they had in them, they dug deep, found their voice, found their confidence, and worked their asses off for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that was sitting in front of them.

I’ll have what they’re having please.

I remember my portfolio when I graduated with my degree in Toy Design. I knew it had to be fan-fucking-tastic, and I knew it would take me 3-4 rounds for every project. I brought my B game all semester long. I was absorbing the info. Rather than killing myself to create “my best” knowing it wasnt going to be “good enough” and then be disappointed, I created “good enough for now” The program head was very worried about me. But I knew. I knew that at the final hour, when those boards had to be done the final time, they’d be everything they needed to be. Maybe more.

And they were.

Maybe this job is my “by the way, it’s almost graduation time- time to pick up your A game” heads up.

In fashion everything is always completed a year in advance. I spent half the day thinking the current year was 2014. No joke. I was honestly stumped at one point.

I’m not ready for 2014. No. Not ready at all.
In the words of this teenage crush:

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I wore two Muchness Bands today. A double dose.

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Ya know that moment when you’re driving somewhere unfamiliar and waiting for the correct street and convince yourself you’re going in the wrong direction so you turn around right before you get where you’re going?

I don’t want to be that person.

Xox, Tova

Love & Muchness, Tova


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