So, after posting on FB that I got fired from my job, someone (my cousin) wrote “I don’t understand why you even started there when you hated it on sight – good you didn’t waste that much time.”
My instinctive response to this was (obviously) defensiveness. Maybe because she is a cousin, and family go by a different set of rules than most people, or maybe because… well, you’re reading it. You know
So, I started to reply… saying that some people have to take jobs they hate forreasons like, um, feeding your kids. But then I deleted it and didn’t respond because that just seemed simplistic and only about 37% like the real answer. So now, the answer gets a whole blog post instead of a FB answer. Way to spend a sunday night, Tova.
I took the job because I needed to take the job. *I* needed to walk that path and test that reality just one more time, to see if that life could or would ever suit me again.
Now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the answer is no.
My previous job was a lot more like a dysfunctional family than a regular job and my decision to leave there was based on a whole assortment of reasons, some relating to the work, some relating to the atmosphere, some relating to people and some relating to me. It was hard to know what proportion was what.
This job, we’ll call it “the Gray Job”- well, I knew it was far from ideal.And, if you recall, I struggled mightily with what to do, if I should take it or not. I have never in my life asked so many people what decision they thought I should make. In fact, I’ve almost never asked any one ever what decision I should make. I decide what’s best for me and act. But somehow, this decision was a lot harder to make. It was only when I released myself to the energy and feelings in and around me, (the woo-woo people call that “your higher self”), when I released myself from the pressure of being responsible for this decision which felt so monumental, that I could reconnect with a sense of peace and calm. (sidebar: a psychic told me that taking the job was the right step to move me forward with The Muchness…. yes, a psychic. Via Facebook. Did I mention I asked EVERYBODY? For the record, I believe she was right. For the other record, please don’t spread that— it’ll totally ruin my I’m-not-a-member-of-the-woo-woo-crew reputation. Or something like that.)
But back to the point. My grandmother actually said it the best. She said “This job was like a vacation for you!” and she was right. I’d wrapped my brain so tightly around my fears about how to make money doing what I love that I’d lost my connection to what I love. It’s really a tricky little balancing act- this “live your dream” ideal lifestyle concept, because it’s really easy for a dream to lose it’s luster when it becomes your prison. A stable, dull job was like a vacation from the chaos in my head.
I realized a few things. I’ll list them so we can discuss them together:
1- I’d become so self absorbed. Fear made me wrap myself up in a little cocoon thinking that the more I worked and less I played the closer I’d be to figuring it all out. That totally never works. Plus, it made me kinda annoying to hang out with. (Just ask my hubby…. ) This is about helping people and I wasn’t even sharing my voice or blogging my struggles or triumphs. I was just…. bleh. So, FAIL. This job, which put me face-to-face with new people who were utterly lacking in Muchness for many reasons (some self-proclaimed, others in denial) made me realize how important it is to get out of my comfort zone and connect with real people to share the message of MUCHNESS!!!
2- When I was working on my own on The Muchness, I wasn’t actually working. I was thinking about working. talking about working. Trying to work. But Not achieving anything because I would spend about 6.7 minutes on one thing before convincing myself I should be doing something else. This job made me realize I really appreciate being given a task and being expected to complete it. It helps me focus on the task. I also like delegating tasks and expecting others’ to complete them. I didn’t get much opportunity to do that at this mid-level job, But it made me realize I miss it and that’s important too.
3- I realized that I have acquired a tremendous amount of knowledge and connections within the online business community over the last few years. I didn’t realize how much I knew until I started realizing how little the general public knows…. That led me to the realization that a job I’d love would be helping to grow someone else’s online business. I love building things…. the job I left was a company I helped build from practically day 1. So I envisioned an ideal online biz situation that I’d want to work in and a crazy thing happened…. I realized I already knew someone who fit my ideal situation. And it was my hubby.
I’m not gonna get into the deets right now, but the fact is, he’s been asking me to join him in growing his biz for a year or more and I have had no interest. I NEEDED this job to make me come around full circle to discover what I’d really love to do, in order to realize he was the one offering it to me all along.
…sometimes the very thing you’re looking for is the one thing you can’t see. …
Thank You Vanessa Williams… and Thank you to the job I stayed at even though I hated it on site.
Sometimes you just need to lean in to the lesson in order to find the message it brings with it. I thought I’d learned that. But i like to learn things lots of times before I actually, ya know, learn them.
OH!! OH!!! One more thing!! The most bestest thing about this company!!! The thing I will miss more than anything!! In their warehouse, for two hours a day, this little “company” shop pops open with the most muchiest kids clothes on planet earth, and NOTHING costs more than $3!! Most is 1 or 2 and the bestest of the best part??? I fit into the larger sizes. Look at this creepiness:
See there? At the end of the long deserted warehouse? A beacon of Muchness!!!
Who would possibly imagine that This Muchness lives there? For less than a cheap cup of coffee??
oh, perfect little kids store full of tacky, sparkly mini skirts…. you will truly be missed…