Ever since Saturday night I’ve been thinking a lot about this Muchness kick I’m on. I knew that having the guts to wear that outfit meant I’d reached a new level in my healing but a friend posted some pics on facebook from the party and looking at them really impacted me.
After we lost the twins I often found myself looking into the mirror and wondering who was looking back at me. The sorrowful, aging eyes, the pale, pasty skin… Grief takes so much out of you, emotionally and physically. And even as time passed, even when Liat was born, I could always see right past the happiness. When I looked into my own eyes, in the mirror, in photographs, no matter how big and true my smile, I could easily see the sorrow.
Part of the reason for my sadness was knowing I now have the burden of having to carry this sadness. I’d look at old photos of me- from my wedding, being out with friends, Mollys birth and see a spirit and energy in that girl’s eyes that does not belong to the new me. I envied her. She had vibrancy, humor, unbridled optimism. But I can’t be her. I can only be me.
When I started my 30 Days of Muchness it was really on a lark. I thought it would be fun and cute for people to see. I never dreamed it would have the transformative, healing effect it did. Somehow, forcing myself to see the sparkle helped me find the light. It changed my perspective. Helped me put back on my rose tinted glasses.
I had a good time Saturday night. I didn’t drink and I didn’t stay out too late. But I looked at these pictures and see, for the first time in a long time, a hint of that girl I was before. Maybe it is, in part, the outfit. That is an emsemble a girl would wear- not the woman I now know myself to be. But I think its more than that. I think its knowing I’ve hit a comfort level in the grieving process that escaped me until now. I look at those pictures and the grief isn’t as apparent in my eyes as I am used to seeing it. And for that I credit Sunshine & Daisy. Although I never would be on this journey if I’d not had them, I know that they are also the reason I am finding my peace.