Things about the old me that I miss…

September is here. That’s the month that carries the weight of the world on it’s shoulders- we said goodbye to the twins on the 25th of this months and can I just tell you? I am so not in the fucking mood. Really. It has been a heavy, loaded summer. I have been unself-employed this whole summer, working with my husband 24/7 who is also unself employed. We’re working on so many amazing and exciting things together but I’m also just feeling so disconnected and exhausted.

I’m trying to really, truly pull away all my bullshit excuses for how I feel and get to the truth about what’s making me feel so overwhelmed and the truth is, I have no idea what the truth is. But I kinda do.

I feel like I used to kick ass. I feel like I was tough and sarcastic and funny and that I could just own whatever task I set out to do. I’d work hard, take no prisoners and be awesome. And now I feel like I crumble.

Yes, crumble. All the empathy and kindness and open-heartedness that loss and grief have left me with make me just want to crumble….  despite the strength I swear they’ve given me too.

I feel like there is so much push and pull inside me that I don’t know if it’s good or bad or whether I’m coming or going.

I’m more disorganized now than I’ve ever been in my life. I feel like I’ve been that way for the last 4 years, since they died. 

I don’t know if it’s because of something internal related to their death and me feeling the need to hold onto things that before I’d throw away, or if that’s just some bullshit excuse I’m creating because I spend so much time online I don’t take the time to really clean up the crap in my house.

I’m more easily manipulated and bossed around by my kids. 

I don’t know if that’s because I cling so tightly to them now that the sound of their cries melts me, or because I’m a sucker who doesn’t know how to discipline properly.

I create so many things and fail to follow through to finish them. 

I don’t know if that’s because I’m scared and weak or a perfectionist who doesn’t come close to perfection.

Tonight I read about another mom blogger whose child died from heart issues. I don’t even know this mom- it’s a friend of a friend and my first second thought (after, “jeez- that’s heartbreaking”) was “Really? Another baby dead? How did I end up in a world all about dead babies?”  and then I just thought to myself “This is exhausting.” 

I’m sorry if writing that offends anyone.

I’m just feeling exhausted by all the grief. I’m also exhausted by all the joy, honestly.

This is supposed to be vacation week. It wasn’t. Back to school for the kids (exhausting), Tons of jewish holidays (exhausting), Trying to pull together everything for my official launch of Muchness Meals (exciting and exhausting). I’m gonna be speaking at two big events in the upcoming weeks and I wish I could just zone out and focus all my spare brain power on getting ready for those… but I have no spare brain power.

Thinking I need to detach from my iphone. I may be an addict.

Thinking I need to re-find my Muchness…

just hold on a sec while I go play some Words With Friends and check my status updates….

 

Love & Muchness, Tova


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