Thinking of my babies

I haven’t been sleeping well. I have stayed up late watching tv. I do that when I’m afraid to head upstairs and go to bed. Afraid because I think im going to lie in bed and think about two perfect little girls who look exactly alike and look like a mix between my two living girls.
Mollys birthday is coming up. I’m making a disco party for her. But her birthday also marks another day. It’s the day the twins were conceived. Last year I didn’t recognize the shadow sadness hovering around me. This year I felt it. Im feeling it. I spend 6 months a year remembering where in my pregnancy I was in 2009. I wonder if that’s ever gonna change.
I really need to get to bed.