The pain, isolation and grief at times can feel simply unbearable. Every cell in your body yearns for the child that was once there, that’s supposed to be here, that you will never get to know in this world. Your arms physically ache to hold your child. Your face changes appearance, as if the tears themselves have stained you permanently with their sadness. You walk through your days feeling like a bag of wet sand has been laid upon your shoulders and it is your burden to carry until the end of time. And the world, the entire world, seems stripped of color. Stripped of joy, stripped of light and happiness.
It’s not fair.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
Parents aren’t meant to bury their children. Toddlers aren’t meant to grieve their siblings. Babies aren’t meant to die.
But they do.
Despite all the medical advancements, the tests, the ultrasounds, the dietary restrictions, prenatal vitamins and despite all the prayers, babies die.
Mine did. My identical twin girls, forever nicknamed Sunshine and Daisy, were stolen from us after growing beautifully inside me for almost 24 weeks.
And my world went dark. And my arms ached. And my face swelled from tears that would just not stop.
And as my world as I knew it shut down around me, the one in my computer opened up. I connected with women – hundreds of them, thousands- who understood the grief of baby loss. Who had walked this road before me. Who made me feel sane.
And then, the time came when I felt ready to release some of the weight of my grief, when the anger felt like it had burned all the way through me, when I decided I did not want to drown in my sadness any longer. My time here is too short and too precious. My daughters – all four of them- deserve more from their mother, and the memory of my twins is too damned important, to let it sit, buried in a shell of the woman I am meant to be.
But I did not know where to start. My beautiful friends that I’d met online were a wonderful support system but they could not provide direction for a path they were still traveling themselves. I’d tried traditional therapy, and while the therapist was lovely, she had not walked this path, and could not begin to envision the healing journey I felt drawn to explore.
I knew I needed to create this path on my own. And I did. And I was awed and humbled when many women “came along for the ride.” Women that have connected with me and The Muchness over the years have had their lives transformed just by being receptive to and engaged in this process. By inviting light back into their lives. It has brought me tears of joy and gratitude so many times to read comments like this from women impacted by this movement:
I want to help you reach past that ache, that sadness, that grief and all that fear and re-find a sense of peace. Of “normal.” Of true, deeply rooted joy. Of Purpose.
I believe that my daughters were sent here so that I could be reminded to reconnect with my light and joy and share this message with others. For years I’ve been working with pregnancy and baby loss moms to help them (and me) understand our grief so we can reconnect with our joy. Whether you live your life sharing your pain openly or if your grief is something you have “put away” inside you and feel as if no-one truly knows its’ depth, my goal is to help you process and move through your emotions in a way that honors your loss, your desires and ultimately helps you get back to living a life that feels connected, honest and more filled with light, color and blessings because of your journey through loss.
Together we will explore your journey, discuss with honesty your feelings of sadness, shame, regret, guilt, fear, or relief. We will explore how your loss is affecting your life today, in ways both beautiful and painful, and you will walk away with tools to help you understand your grief and face tomorrow with a brighter outlook.
You’ve taken your loss, your grief, your feelings of isolation, confusion and sadness and tucked them away, neatly in a box so that you could “move on” with your life in the “real” world. It’s worked, but not entirely. You can feel the impact of your pain daily, but you don’t know where to go with it. Don’t know who to turn to, or how to begin to express your feelings, or even if you want to. You fear that allowing these feelings into your life right now will break you, and you can’t afford to be broken. But you also can’t carry this burden alone in your heart any longer.
We will use our time together to help you create a space for this loss. A space that feels right for you, in your heart, in your life. It may involve other people, or just you, but it will help you find healing and invite beauty back into your world.
You have taken your loss and explored it, shared it, talked about it and honored it.
You’ve done all the things you’ve learned to do in the grief support groups to honor your baby and are doing the best you can to live in your “new normal”
But you are sad. You can’t help but see everything about the world through a veil of darkness. The grief still sits heavy on your shoulders. You worry you will drown in this grief and forever see the world through this lens of sadness.
We will use our time together to explore the reasons that grief sits, and we will create a plan specifically for you that helps to lift that veil and reignite you with your light and joy and passion so you can truly honor your baby in a way that is right and healing for you.
Maybe your loss was years ago – five, ten, twenty, thirty or more. At the time you had no outlets, no understanding, and you were not given the opportunity to grieve. So you “put it away”. You put it deep down where it couldn’t hurt you. But it’s there. And it’s Love. And it’s yearning to be set free.
We will use our time together to explore productive ways to begin the healing process that has found its’ time to be honored. One that works for you.
1-ON-1 COACHING WITH TOVA
In this 1-hour phone or skype session, you’ll be given the space to tell your story. To share the details, memories, feelings and confusions that are sitting locked up inside your head and your heart. You’ll be heard with understanding and understood with compassion. You will be honoring your child(ren) by sharing them and unburdening yourself from some of the isolation that comes with the self-imposed responsibility of carrying their memory alone.
I want you to share your children with me.
This experience may open you up to finding new ways to invite memories of your child into your life. It will unlock the door that you may have closed around this experience and allow new light to be released from it.
I believe that baby loss moms are selected. I believe that the love we carry for the rest of our lives for our lost babies has an intensity like no other. That is why so many people hide from it. It is scary and powerful. This session is my invitation to you to connect with it. Your baby is a gift.
In addition to your story we’ll discuss your grief journey and the areas where you feel stuck. We may discuss future steps to help you create more love and light around this confusing and painful area of your life. You’ll walk away with a feeling of peace. understanding your needs and with proactive tools to help you step forward into your joy and purpose.
Investment: $150 – Max. 7 people per month (currently booking clients for April 2013). Sliding scale available for limited time based on need.
1-ON-1 COACHING PACKAGE WITH TOVA
In this 3 month program, we will get to know each other. You will share your story and together we will explore your journey through loss and your path of grief and healing. We’ll get clarity on why you are stuck, what you are afraid of, what is causing you continual pain and implement tools to help you break past it, while honoring your loss and making sure that you are truly connected to the life you are living. You’ll have 3 months of support and guidance to help you reconnect, heal and move forward to a life of joy, passion and your true Muchness.
3 months of coaching calls: 2 per month
*Email support from Tova [because sometimes it’s easier to write it out.]
Personalized gift from me to help you honor your baby.
Payment options available.
Currently booking clients for April 2013
Free 15 minute phone or skype consult to see if the energy is right and you want to move forward with a formal coaching session.
Pricing valid through July 2014 only.