I’ve been having some heavy conversations with Molly lately. It was a few months ago that I told her about Sunshine & Daisy. I’d planned to share that story with you, since making the decision to tell her was not one I took lightly. There was a time when the idea of telling your living children about the ones you lost seemed absolutely insane to me. But then, so did a lot of things that have now come to pass. Molly was incredible, and perhaps I will share in another post the clarity and sensitivity she showed. It astounded me.

And then, life went on, and it didn’t seem like anything that was weighing on her.

Until my friend lost her 2 year old, Ella.

And then Molly started asking questions. “Why did she die? Was she sick? Is she going to come home? Is she also in the ground like Sunshine & Daisy? Are Sunshine & Daisy playing together with Ella? …Mommy, why do babies die?” Oh, to have to answer that question, when I have absolutely no idea.

She’d asked for a picture of Sunshine & Daisy and I’d shown her their 3-D ultrasounds. Now she wanted a picture of Ella too. So I gave her one. And she hid it somewhere in her room, in one of the corners where she hides her treasures.

There’s something about Molly… no matter what she feels, it’s like she feels it deeper than most people. Her drama is intense. Her anger, unstopable. Her humor, shockingly sharp, and her compassion, enormous.

The last few weeks she’s been drawing suns and daisies on all her art at school. Because “she doesn’t want to forget them” and she doesn’t want me to either. If I were not a  baby loss mom and read that, I might think “oh, that cannot be a good thing…” but then, I’d just be judging that which I cannot understand.

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This morning I was sitting on Liat’s bed with Molly in my lap. Lait, growing jealous, started whining “No! That’s my Mommy!” and I replied “Yes, I am your mommy, but I have 2 daughters and I’m Molly’s mommy too.”

Molly turned to me and said “No silly! You have four daughters! Me and Liat and Sunshine & Daisy!”  and I hugged and tickled her and told her she was right.

That girl’s pretty damn smart for a four year old.

Two of my four daughters. xoxox