Of all the things I’ve learned about myself since launching this website, one of the biggest is that I can’t write about something when I’m not feeling it or practicing it myself. I can’t sit down at my computer and preach about Finding Your Muchness, following your inner voice and doing it loud and proud if I am not going to lead by example. And in the past year, there have been many times where I did not follow my inner voice. Where I did not have the confidence to make the choices that would make me feel good. Instead, I made choices out of fear. And I was feeling bad about it. And so, in those times, you might have heard crickets chirping when you came to visit this URL. As I sat on the couch, staring at the TV, wondering why I didn’t have the guts to share with you what was going on in my head, and at the same time, wondering what was really going on in my head.
Well, I figured it out.
I was spending my days doing something that didn’t ignite me. My day job was sucking the life out of me and I didn’t know how to fix it.
See, I’d been at my job for 8 years. It was a loungewear and pajama and sportswear company and I started with them when it was a tiny inkling of an idea for a company. I was one of 3 employees an I managed the entire product design and production process hand in hand with my boss. I learned a lot and got to make some awesome products that I was proud of. We grew quickly and within 5 years were selling $200,000,000 (yes- you read that right) worth of product. I hired and trained a team of designers and production people, and we introduced a bunch more product lines, bedding, blankets, housewares, even dog beds. I really, really put my heart into the company and was proud to watch it grow.
I was good at my job. Because I was passionate about it. And my job was good to me.
But then I lost the twins. And in the year that followed, I started to change. My priorities shifted, my heart grew. What ignited me before (knowing the right answer, being right, finding other peoples mistakes and making my products perfect) simply stopped igniting me. Simultaneously, changes in the market changed the dynamic of the office and the work I was required to do there. More managerial, less creative. And though I loved the managerial side, I was longing for a positive creative outlet and I wasn’t finding it there.
But this was my job. These were people I cared about and built a business with. This was my paycheck, my family’s health insurance. Clearly, I couldn’t just leave.
But day after day, things inside me just started making less sense. I’d come home upset, exhausted and unfulfilled. Elie would ask how my day was and I’d say “eh” and then plop in front of the TV and wonder how I could possibly write about Muchness when I was feeling like such a hypocrite. So I didn’t post. And that made me feel worse because I love connecting with you.
And then, last week, after a YEAR of sitting on the fence, I simply decided to quit. The 3 year anniversary of losing the girls was upon us and I felt like I was just not on the path I was meant to be on. Leaving my job was really the only answer to fixing what was wrong inside of me. I haven’t gotten another job, and, at least initially, I don’t intend to. I need some space to clear my brain. I want to take some time to SERIOUSLY declutter the crap that has filled my house up in the last two years. I’ve been thinking a lot about that… I think something about losing the girls flicked a switch that has made it hard to throw out some stuff I seriously do not need… or maybe it just accumulates faster than I have had the time to get rid of it.
Maybe I’ll eventually start looking for freelance design jobs- I’m highly skilled and very marketable in my field, but mostly, I just want to put my focus here. On the Muchness. I feel that it is the direction I need to take to get me to the next right step on my life’s journey. I believe it is the path I was meant to be on and that if I pour my passion into it, and remember my initial goal of just helping people find their joy and heal, and maybe just bringing a smile to their (and my) face, the answers I need will reveal themselves to me.
My boss didn’t believe me when I said I was leaving. He asked how it’s possible I’d be stupid enough to leave my job without another one lined up. I replied…
Get ready to be seeing a whole lot more of me online. I’m done holding in my truths. As soon as I made the decision, it was like the clouds parted and a muchy rainbow appeared. Creative ideas started happening again in my brain. Optimism, confidence and a knowledge of all that I am capable of came flooding back to me. Though I’m wearing jeans and sneakers today (and gold nail stickers) I’m still feeling a Muchness from the inside that I hadn’t felt in a very long time and I’m excited to see where it takes us!
I’d love to hear if you’ve made any significant changes in your life in the last few years, especially after a big life-changing event. I guess it makes sense that you’d make life-changes after a life-changing event, huh? How’d it turn out?
