Author: Tova

MUCHNESS strikes again!!!

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So there I was, trolling through the Joe Fresh store, mostly just because I needed a break from the blazing heat. The salesgirl comes up behind me- “Can I help you find somet—- OH MY GOD I LOVE YOUR SHOES!!!! They make me feel so happy!!”—-
I told her that making people happy via happy “stuff” is my goal in life. (One of them… true story) Obviously, I have a new BFF. I even asked her to take a picture with me so I could write this blog post because it was such an awesome MUCHNESS MOMENT and we all know, MUCHNESS moments are meant to be shared!!

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Oh, and the happy making shoes? Just my everyday loaf around the house platforms:


…naturally.

Everything is a journey…

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A few weeks ago, I posted about how I was ready to sit and create an editorial calendar with all my 200,000 blog posts ideas. And I started my list. And I was feeling great. But like I predicted, I just didn’t feel like any of the bajjilion things I put on paper felt right for todays post. Because I am in the midst of so much change that something I wrote 2 weeks ago already feels stale and old-newsy.

So I decided to just write fresh. Even if it’s not all profound and well thought out- it’s me, now, from my heart, today. And it got me thinking about how the things we feel when we feel them feel so fresh, but time does change them. When I first joined the loss boards after Sunshine and Daisy were gone, I was a newbie. I was afraid to post, afraid that what I was thinking and feeling was “stupid” or that I wouldn’t express myself well or I’d unintentionally upset someone. So I just read. And I started to see repeating themes. Themes about despair, about physical pain in your heart, about not knowing how to face tomorrow. And the only response that people could offer was “time”. Time will make it easier to breathe. Time will help you process. Time is your only friend.

And this advice came in all forms- with apologies that it was such a lame response, with reassurances that, though it’s hard to believe, it’s true, and sometimes, most helpfully, the response came with directions, how to get through the time – minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, requiring as little effort on our part as possible. Because when you can barely catch your breathe, any effort is too much to ask.

And time did help. Here I sit, 2 years, 9 months, 2 weeks and 4 days later an entirely different woman. My sister recently told me that she’d been talking about me with some friends who’ve known me almost my whole life and they all agreed “I’d changed.” For some reason, I took offense to this, though I know it’s true. I guess it felt like she was saying “yeah, you were a real asshole before.”  Hmmm… sisters. Actually, I’m pretty sure what she was trying to say was “Yeah, you were a real asshole before.” Go figure.

Where are you in your journey? I know many of you have lost babies or loved ones but I also know that so many others long to find their Muchness, even when there was no defining moment when it was utterly lost. There hopefully comes a defining moment when we make the choice to find it. Are you there? Do you know when it was? Tell me about it.

Though there are moments where I feel I’ve gone through the dark and come out the other end, I know that there is still more darkness in front of me. I hate that I know from this type of pain, but I love that I’ve had the opportunity to understand the depths of feeling it has taught me. That is but one of the gifts I’ve received from Sunshine & Daisy.

Anyway, this is my post about where I am today, as I continue through the path of time. Where are you today?

 

 

Tova Gold Featured ON LA TALK RADIO with Dr. Phil Dembo!

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A few months back I was featured on Dr. Phil Dembo’s radio show. It was my first ‘live’ event and I was so stinkin’ nervous. My brain kept racing to all the people that “knew” me that would be listening and if I’d say the right thing and represent baby loss moms and feelings well…

So I was thrilled to be invited back and this time, I did something pretty lame. I didn’t really promote it. I just didn’t want to be that scared and figured if I knew there were less folks that knew me ‘personally’  likely listening, I’d be able to be more myself on air.

The show JUST ended and now I feel kinda like a dork for letting my fear guide me, because I think the show went really well and I was not  that nervous- however, I accept that I am a work in progress and won’t let myself beat me up.

I DO want to say this:

I believe in the power of Muchness- I’ve seen it work – I know it’s in every single person in some form or another and it’s time we start paying attention to those Muchness Moments!! That was the message of tonights show and that is the message I want to share with people because I want to help them capture their Muchness! It’s not about me and my stupid fears.  Lesson Learned. Next time, you will hear me shouting from the rooftops because I want to share this gift!!

The show was awesome. Dr. Dembo (OK, Phil) has a really great way of narrowing in on the heart of the  matter and getting to root of the subject. He’s all about teaching positive parenting skills by being a positive person… so muchy.

Have a listen! My interview is the first 20 minutes or so…

Sunday, July 8: http://www.latalkradio.com/Dembo.php

Let me know what you think. Really, truly, I’d be honored by your feedback and would love to answer any questions that the conversation may have sparked in you! See you in the comments!

What does the mother of two dead babies look like?

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This past weekend I had an amazing, once-in-a lifetime opportunity and I wanted to tell you about it. One of the women I’ve met through Bschool is an incredible, top-tier photographer named Tanya Malott. She saw my story in one of the Bschool groups and reached out to me, and we instantly clicked. She is amazing.
This past weekend, she offered a day of FREE headshot photos to anyone from Bschool who could make it to the shoot. I pounced on the opportunity. She got access to this glamourous photo studio in Manhattan owned by Heike Grebenstein – who makes jewelry that is simply gorgeous and she arranged for our hair to be done by the incredibly talented Joshua Barrett, and fellow Bschooler, celebrity makeup artist Michelle Coursey did our makeup. I mean, the whole thing was like a dream.
But beyond all the pampering and how fun and inspiring it was to was to meet other bschoolers face-to-face, something profoundly emotional happened to me that day, and that’s really the reason I’m sharing this story….
After getting my pictures taken, I was talking to one of the other women there and I found myself telling her a story that I’ve been meaning to share with you but just… haven’t. So, I’m sharing it now.

After the twins died, everything in the world just literally became gray. It was all I could see. I’d wake up in the morning, my face puffy from the tears that had dried on my cheeks the night before. I’d drag myself into my closet and pull something out that felt like I felt. Something gray. Something brown. Something stained, ripped, dirty, overwashed and ill-fitting. I really didn’t care. I’d walk from the bus station to my office, sometimes crying the whole way. Not caring that people were looking at me strangely. “If they had two dead babies, they’d be crying too” I said to myself.

I’d get to the office and do my work, feeling like shit, looking like shit. I wasn’t worried what my coworkers thought of my appearance. That just never occurred to me to matter.

Then, one day, my boss unexpectedly called me into a sales meeting. The women who sat at the table looked polished and fresh in the bright display lights of our showroom. I stood before them, completely mortified. I remember clearly what I was wearing that day. Jeans that were unwashed and way too big, saggy on my tush with an actual patch in the seat to cover a hole. Gray sneakers. An olive green t-shirt stretched over my muffin top and post (dead) baby belly with a graphic of The Beatles stretched across my chest. Over that, I wore a brown vintage button down polyester shirt. I believe it was missing a button. My hair was in a messy, unwashed ponytail.

My boss introduced me as the head of design. “The genius who makes magic happen.” he said. I stood before them feeling like something that crawled out of a sewer. I pasted a smile on my face and answered their questions. When I walked out of the room I thought to myself “Well, they’d look like shit too if they had Two Dead Babies.”

And when I heard myself think that, that’s when I knew. Enough Was Enough.

It was up to me to make the choice to sink or swim, and I decided to swim. The only way I knew to start was with the outside. And so I did- No more gray, no more heavy disgusting clothing. I was going to infuse my outside with color and shine that was so bright and so bold it could break through the wall of gray that surrounded me. And, you know how that story unfolds. That decision ultimately found a name, and it’s name is The Muchness.

When I look at pictures of me before the twins, I feel like it is a different person– a naive, innocent, opinionated girl I no longer know. And when I’ve looked at pictures of me after, it’s felt like a kaleidoscope of bits and pieces of me in the middle of some kind of reformatting process.

This weekends photo shoot felt like a culmination of that journey and that decision to swim. Tanya knows my story and understands the path I’ve traveled to get here. She saw my dress and it was her suggestion to take pictures in this setting. Pictures of a woman who has not drowned in her grief, but has been able to push through to a brighter, even more beautiful place of light & joy. I mean, really. Who wears a party dress in the bathtub?

I looked at the pictures Tanya took of me- beautiful, incredibly muchy pictures of a woman with two dead babies, who has found happiness and beauty and joy again. And those pictures Tanya took, they were pictures of a woman I do know. The woman I am learning to see myself as. Me. 20120703-105429.jpg

5 Reasons Muchness on the outside = Muchness on the inside

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It’s no secret that when we look good, we feel good. We’ve all heard that before, but honestly, just writing it gives me the feeling that I’m talking in clichés that mean nothing and it kinda gives me the icks. I mean, in my mind the only people that put “looking good” that high on their to-do list are obviously people with too much time on their hands, right? And they probably all have their plastic surgeon on speed dial, or, they live at the gym and loooove building up a sweat.  Not exactly the person I see when I look in the mirror, ya know?
But here’s the secret. It’s not about those things. I mean, if plastic surgery or loving the gym are your thing- more power to you! But if you’re just who YOU are, doing YOUR thing- working, chasing kids, running errands, going to school, dealing with the crap life sometimes throws your way- there is NO reason you can’t also be an individual that proves the sentiment “When you look good, you feel good.” Really. It’s actually easier than you think. As one of our current Muchness challengers recently wrote “…now I see the difference between being selfish and just simply being nice to yourself.” 

Here are 5 reasons why something as small as happy nail polish can actually enhance your mood- on the inside:

1- You can make your Muchness Meter Ding like mad!

Ya know that feeling you get when you come across a picture or color and you instinctively go “Oooh! I like that!”? Well, that’s what I like to call your Muchness Meter, and it’s going “DING!”   Here’s the thing- you can actually recreate that little jolt MUCHNESS dozens- if not hundreds of times throughout the day just by wearing toe nail polish in a color you love! Every single time you look down at your toes it’ll be like “ding-ding-ding-ding…” (this same concept holds true for fingernails, and pants, even cute little colorful under-things- though you’ll see them less frequently. 😉 )

Imagine your Muchness Meter Dinging 300 times a day when your toes are this color!!!

2- People are judging you.
I’m not talking about the kind of judgements that we imagine in our heads (those nasty gremblins of insecurity- were gonna work on kicking those to the curb with the help of Muchness too!) but I’m talking about the subconscious conclusions we draw about a person based on the energy they emit. When you walk around wearing dull, frumpy, sad looking clothing, guess what? People are going to assume you are dull, frumpy and sad, and consequently, they’ll treat you as such. Can you really blame them? But, if you make the active choice to wear bright, fun-loving colors and accessories, people will organically treat you as if you’re joyful and fun-loving! Now this is Very Important: you can feel like absolute crap on the inside- like the happy bus just ran you over and left skid marks on your ass- but if people are treating you like you’re joyful and fun-loving, it will always make you feel a little bit less like crap… and possibly even joyful and fun-loving. Trust me on this one.

I mean, would it ever occur to you that the person wearing these pants feels like crap? See? I didn't this so. 🙂

3- People will compliment you.
That’s right! When you wear something fun and cheerful, people will notice it! And since they assume you are fun and cheerful, they won’t shy away from offering you a compliment! And you will graciously accept their complement. Because you made them smile, and that will make you smile— it’s just a glorious cycle of muchtasticness!

A sparkling smile. The other thing you'll be wearing after someone compliments you.

 

4- You are giving yourself something muchy to think about- namely, what MUCHNESS are you gonna wear tomorrow?
When we get stuck in a thought loop, the same ideas and words can toss around in our heads for hours, or days- even months or years. Early on in my grief I’d spend my time letting really sad and upsetting thoughts live in my head. In truth- I needed to deal with those thoughts and I needed to allow them to work their way through my brain so could move to the next stage of healing. But at some point I was ready to start setting those thoughts free. But what else was I going to think about while walking to and from the bus station and my office? During that walk, I was so used to entertaining thoughts about my sadness and grief – I didn’t even know what else to think about! So, I thought about sparkles. And nail polish and tutus and cute shoes. And those things made me smile. Simple, but true. Ask yourself what makes you smile? Then think about those things more.

Me- Feeling Muchtastic. 🙂

 

5- And the number 5 reason why wearing something Muchy on the outside makes you feel good on the inside?

Because You are taking care of you.
Oh, I know— another chiché about women… we put everyone else before ourselves. Funny thing about clichés… they’re often so true. So, maybe you don’t have to time to go to the gym on a regular basis, Maybe you’re not interested plastic surgery, and maybe you ate the kid’s leftover chicken nuggets for dinner because that’s all you had time for… that’s life and we do what we can. Taking a moment each day to focus on your own muchtasicness will benefit you and everyone around you! You will feel better, happier, your kids will benefit, your husband will benefit, your job will benefit.

 

Here’s what I want from you- In the comments below name ONE thing that you KNOW will make you feel muchtastic if you wear it, but you just haven’t found the “right” time, and then tell us how you plan to wear it- SOON – even if you need to invent an occassion! Imagine what you will feel like when you wear that item and put that energy into the universe. And then Do It. Don’t own an item like that? Imagine what that item would be and then describe it and I’ll go Muchness Hunting for it!! Woohoo! I Just Love Muchness Hunting. 🙂

What’s the bright spot in YOUR day?

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This morning on the elevator heading up to my office, a woman was just going gaga over my shoes. She said “oh, I just love them! And look at me, in my black flats… You make me wanna go out and get some happy shoes…” I told her my goal in life is to make everyone feel that way. 🙂 as she got off she said “thank you so much! Those shoes are the bright spot in my day!” — which, of course, is the bright spot in MY day! Oh, I how love The Muchness…”

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—Please tell!!! What is the bright spot in your day today? Sharing it will make it a REAL MUCHNESS moment!!!

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Charitable Muchness- Who wouldn’t want to participate?!?

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Two of my very dear friends Vadim & Tommy are participating in Pride Run this weekend in NYC and they have decided to run with the goal of raising funds for The International Gay And Lesbian Human Rights Commission.

They call themselves Team Brandi and I think they said it best when they write “Unlike Team Brandi, who have the luxury to run for fun or General Tso’s tofu, many LGBT people are running from machetes, guns, knives, rocks… They are running for their lives. Literally.”

Click to read their story

 

Last year when they ran, I created a Muchness band to support their mission,

It's Hot. 🙂

 

and I’m proud to share that we just donated $100 bucks to their race!! (OK- I admit- most of that came from my heart, and not Muchness Bands… maybe next year I’ll be able to donate 10 times the amount!! I’m gonna put THAT on my To-Do list. 🙂

Wanna know what you  can do to increase your Muchness Meter this weekend? Donate to this amazing cause and help Team Brandi meet their Goal. No donation is too small to help and make you feel Muchtastic!