A few weeks ago, I posted about how I was ready to sit and create an editorial calendar with all my 200,000 blog posts ideas. And I started my list. And I was feeling great. But like I predicted, I just didn’t feel like any of the bajjilion things I put on paper felt right for todays post. Because I am in the midst of so much change that something I wrote 2 weeks ago already feels stale and old-newsy.
So I decided to just write fresh. Even if it’s not all profound and well thought out- it’s me, now, from my heart, today. And it got me thinking about how the things we feel when we feel them feel so fresh, but time does change them. When I first joined the loss boards after Sunshine and Daisy were gone, I was a newbie. I was afraid to post, afraid that what I was thinking and feeling was “stupid” or that I wouldn’t express myself well or I’d unintentionally upset someone. So I just read. And I started to see repeating themes. Themes about despair, about physical pain in your heart, about not knowing how to face tomorrow. And the only response that people could offer was “time”. Time will make it easier to breathe. Time will help you process. Time is your only friend.
And this advice came in all forms- with apologies that it was such a lame response, with reassurances that, though it’s hard to believe, it’s true, and sometimes, most helpfully, the response came with directions, how to get through the time – minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, requiring as little effort on our part as possible. Because when you can barely catch your breathe, any effort is too much to ask.
And time did help. Here I sit, 2 years, 9 months, 2 weeks and 4 days later an entirely different woman. My sister recently told me that she’d been talking about me with some friends who’ve known me almost my whole life and they all agreed “I’d changed.” For some reason, I took offense to this, though I know it’s true. I guess it felt like she was saying “yeah, you were a real asshole before.” Hmmm… sisters. Actually, I’m pretty sure what she was trying to say was “Yeah, you were a real asshole before.” Go figure.
Where are you in your journey? I know many of you have lost babies or loved ones but I also know that so many others long to find their Muchness, even when there was no defining moment when it was utterly lost. There hopefully comes a defining moment when we make the choice to find it. Are you there? Do you know when it was? Tell me about it.
Though there are moments where I feel I’ve gone through the dark and come out the other end, I know that there is still more darkness in front of me. I hate that I know from this type of pain, but I love that I’ve had the opportunity to understand the depths of feeling it has taught me. That is but one of the gifts I’ve received from Sunshine & Daisy.
Anyway, this is my post about where I am today, as I continue through the path of time. Where are you today?
I knew I was ready to find my Muchness when I saw that it was possible. Great examples of women before me (you, Heather, and more) made me realize that my pity party was just that: mine.
Since taking my first challenge, and then through the follow up challenges I’ve done, I’ve taught myself that I am in control of how I feel. I am in control of how I appear to the outside world. And the only way to make those happen the way I want them to is to take control of how I let myself see, experience, and participate in the world. And doing it with Muchness is far better, more satisfying and more ME than anything I’ve ever done in the past.
Tine- you are such an inspiration to me— I remember your first post, when you started and how you said the idea of putting yourself oout there made you cry… that moved me and gave me SO much incentive to keep pushing this little engine forward… and then, how you opened up every day in your posts— I could literally feel you blossom right through your writing. Maybe it sounds a little corny but it’s so true… My ultimate goal is really to help everyone who needs it find the entry into that change… it really comes from within but it also requires putting yourself out there… you are the epitome of that…
love you girl!!
I think for me taking the challenge as one of the first was so scary bc honestly I didn’t see how I’d fit. But then I realized it wasnt about that, it was about stopping the daily negative thought train that we all can get stuck on and replacing it with a new neural pathway. I look back on my posts and I smile bc I actually can rembering the joy that I felt when I captured each of those moments in time. I think at some point I’ll take the challenge again, because there really can never be enough reminders to find joy in our lives. I’m just formulating what my theme will be this time around before I embark again.
I think the exact same way heather! I can remember SO clearly the negative thought trains that went through my head before, and I look at the pictures from ALL my challenges and can just as clearly remember the positive mindframe I was in at that exact moment I took the picture— even if it was forced or out of context from a crappy day- those moments are positive memories…
I’m excited to have you do the challenge again…
(here’s a secret heads up…haha… I am working with Beryl Ann Young, an amazing baby-loss mama and photographer who started giving photography workshops after her loss… We’re planning to put together some sort of teleseminar / group challenge that combines her photography lessons with the concept of Muchness… they are already so connected in spirit / concept… not sure exactly all the details yet but it’s super exciting just getting the ball rolling… finding creative, awesome people who want to help other people re-find their Muchness too. 😀 )