A few weeks ago, I posted about how I was ready to sit and create an editorial calendar with all my 200,000 blog posts ideas. And I started my list. And I was feeling great. But like I predicted, I just didn’t feel like any of the bajjilion things I put on paper felt right for todays post. Because I am in the midst of so much change that something I wrote 2 weeks ago already feels stale and old-newsy.
So I decided to just write fresh. Even if it’s not all profound and well thought out- it’s me, now, from my heart, today. And it got me thinking about how the things we feel when we feel them feel so fresh, but time does change them. When I first joined the loss boards after Sunshine and Daisy were gone, I was a newbie. I was afraid to post, afraid that what I was thinking and feeling was “stupid” or that I wouldn’t express myself well or I’d unintentionally upset someone. So I just read. And I started to see repeating themes. Themes about despair, about physical pain in your heart, about not knowing how to face tomorrow. And the only response that people could offer was “time”. Time will make it easier to breathe. Time will help you process. Time is your only friend.
And this advice came in all forms- with apologies that it was such a lame response, with reassurances that, though it’s hard to believe, it’s true, and sometimes, most helpfully, the response came with directions, how to get through the time – minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, requiring as little effort on our part as possible. Because when you can barely catch your breathe, any effort is too much to ask.
And time did help. Here I sit, 2 years, 9 months, 2 weeks and 4 days later an entirely different woman. My sister recently told me that she’d been talking about me with some friends who’ve known me almost my whole life and they all agreed “I’d changed.” For some reason, I took offense to this, though I know it’s true. I guess it felt like she was saying “yeah, you were a real asshole before.” Hmmm… sisters. Actually, I’m pretty sure what she was trying to say was “Yeah, you were a real asshole before.” Go figure.
Where are you in your journey? I know many of you have lost babies or loved ones but I also know that so many others long to find their Muchness, even when there was no defining moment when it was utterly lost. There hopefully comes a defining moment when we make the choice to find it. Are you there? Do you know when it was? Tell me about it.
Though there are moments where I feel I’ve gone through the dark and come out the other end, I know that there is still more darkness in front of me. I hate that I know from this type of pain, but I love that I’ve had the opportunity to understand the depths of feeling it has taught me. That is but one of the gifts I’ve received from Sunshine & Daisy.
Anyway, this is my post about where I am today, as I continue through the path of time. Where are you today?