I’m not gonna lie. Today kinda sucked again. I don’t know… It is definitely related to the twins and the grief… I have come to expect an occasional “off” day where the grief just floods back in, but it usually subsides within a couple of hours. It’s already been 2.5 days of feeling ‘griefy’ and I can’t seem to shake it. I know it’s because I’m going through personal transitions. I was talking to a new friend a few days back and I was explaining how this loss truly reached so deep into me- to the most buried layers of who I am, and changed me almost on a molecular level.
Now, my goal is to figure out the future for this new me, in a way that exploits the talents and gifts I have always had, while honoring my twins, teaching my daughters, and being true to myself- the new me- a woman I’m still getting to know.
Anyhow, today… I lost it. At my job, something happened that really highlighted the internal conflicts between the new me and the woman doing my job. (ie: the old me)
I went into my boss’s office and did something I am loath to do. I cried.
What am I? Lisa Lampinelli?
What I told me boss is irrelevant but it did help me feel somewhat better.
Then, as I waited for him to finish a phone call I spied some sticky back rhinestones on his desk and decided to bedazzle my phone.
It totally made me feel just a little bit better!
Then, I went out for lunch and passed Claire’s… which is sorta my achilles heel. I’d been spying those stupid nail stickers forever, thinking they area huge waste of money, but also kinda muchtastic.
So, I bought some. After all, what’s the point in having a job that steals so much of my muchness if I’m not gonna use the money I am earning to replace it with sparkle?
Ya know what? I kinda LOOOOOVE them!!!!
I really hope they stay on a while. They really make typing a whole lot more muchtastic for this keyboard (rather than screen) watcher…
Claires is my weakness too & I use to work there. I understand about the grief flooding back at times, I get that way as well about my son’s father & the pain he put me through. I hope you are feeling better & I love your nails!
OMG- You worked at Claires? (JEALOUS!!!) Maybe it’s just cuz it’s so close to my work but I really have a hard time walking by without going in. Thankfully I am usually able to walk out without buying anything… though it’s always hard. But I’m pretty good at talking myself out of that stuff, though I love all that sparkly goodness.:)
I’m feeling a little better… I know it will pass… and it had been a while since I had any big dips in my grief, so it was probably about due. What a strange thing to see myself write…
I know Piper mentioned last week that there was a weird energy going on, and I’m totally feeling it too. A few days now of really feeling weepy and griefy and wishing I was able to be pregnant. Wondering if I regret that tubal…I don’t, too many times that didn’t work out, but lots of time spent wondering what Caoimhe would be like today. Ugh.
I love that you sparkled up your day, and that you found those things just when you needed them. Love, hugs and smiles to you Tova! Tine
xoxox Tine. 🙂
thinking of you, sunshine, daisy . . . oh hell, the entire FAMILY! hope the “griefy” feeling subsides into something else soon. i know that ache and sometimes i wonder if one day we’ll miss it when it’s gone (will it ever be “really” gone though?)
you constantly inspire me. i love you for that.
I hope it’s never fully gone. Actually, I think that would be even sadder than feeling griefy here and there. missing them is loving them… xox