Tova’s Blog – Page 12 – Finding My Muchness

Weekend Muchness Project. Paint will set your MUCHNESS free…

Posted on May 27, 2013 by Tova

When Molly was three we bought a copy of the movie Annie. The kids watched it, as kids do, over and over and over and over again. Molly know the songs backwards and forwards and sung them under her breathe or in whispered hums in the back of the car. If anyone acknowledged her singing, she immediately stopped.

Nine or 10 months later a local group was putting on a production of Annie and I decided to take Molly. She was excited to be going somewhere special with me but didn’t really know what to expect. She perched on my lap with her back straight to get the best look and when Annie came out, boldly and clearly singing the opening lyrics of “Tomorrow” Molly spun around in my lap and, eyes wide, exclaimed “She has an AMAZING voice!” – those words, out of a four year olds mouth, with that much passion- I loved it.

From that day on, Molly would belt out tomorrow at the top of her lungs from the backseat of the car. Or, in the shower, or living room. It was like she’d suddenly been granted permission to use her voice. If only as adults we just needed that little bit of reassurance, right? A few weeks ago, I saw a YouTube video about this 5 year old painting prodigy, Aelita Andre. The beautifully artistic video of her gracefully yet playfully painting in her studio made her appear etherial and angelic.

I think what was so compelling to me about it was that she was just doing what she wanted to do. No rules, no worries about using too much paint or making a mess or getting it wrong or staying in the lines…. the kind of freedom that only a child can capture without trying. So this weekend, I showed Molly and Liat this video and asked if they wanted to do it too. Like the singing, I knew that seeing someone her age express herself so freely would inspire Molly, who has a tendency towards shyness and has been known to freak out if she colors outside the lines. They were psyched. I printed out my Michaels 50% off Memorial Day coupons and we took a family trip to the craft store. Then we went down to the basement and got busy! Here’s a “before” pic and video of the action. I loved making this video- It made me laugh out loud doing a “knock-off” of the very serious vid above.

Truth? As the girls painted, it was hard to stop myself from offering guidance or directions. I wanted to say “Try it this way” or “Don’t mix those colors together” but I didn’t. I just let them go for it. I put out the paint and I put out the glitter and I let them figure it out. It was so tremendously relaxing and so amazing watching them just explore the paint, the colors and their creative freedom. I wanna do this. Maybe together with some friends, some wine, and some music, this would be a totally amazing way to tap into a Muchness that has been feeling stifled for far too long…. Who’s in? 🙂

What to do when you feel off-track.

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Tova

I feel like I took a wrong turn. I’m trying not to feel this way. I’m trying to choose to look on the bright side. At the good stuff. That’s what makes life better, right? It’s all about perspective. But then, I think- sure, human beings can get used to anything- it doesn’t mean it’s what they should accept, or, technically, get used to.
I’m sitting outside this job, in what I unaffectionately call The Prison Yard, wondering if this is where I’m “supposed” to be. Maybe this job is the bone I was hoping would be thrown at me. Or maybe it’s a distraction. Maybe it’s a fear based “out” I created for myself when things were just starting to get real.
I don’t know.
I feel like Brittany Spears- I’m at a crossroads. I feel like Irish I could just pop in a belly shirt, hop in a convertible and head cross country. (Is that how that movie went? I have no idea. Shocking though it sounds, I’ve never seen it.)
Anyway,
Last week I went to an event with my family that honored Holocaust survivors. (Hows that for a segue?) My grandmother was amount the honorees. She and 7 other survivors shared their story about how they – all children at the time- barely survived the Nazis and were forced to live in unimaginable circumstance. They’ve gone on to build full lives and large beautiful families that were in attendance.
I found myself thinking “really Tova? Really?? WTF do you have to complain about? Get your ass-kicking boots on and show the world what you are made of!…. And then the next day I packed up my Tupperware lunch and hustled out the door to spend my day – voluntarily- sit behind barbed wire.

I suppose I should (and am) be grateful that noone will shoot me in the back with a machine gun if I touch the fence… And as i write this im thinking “really To a, I’m not sure you’re keeping things in the proper perspective.”

Damn- I gotta run… If my lunch goes longer than 30 minutes I might get in trouble.

Help me out, wouldya?

Do you think you have an ultimate “reason” and purpose for being here? Are you living that purpose? If so, how’d ya do it, and if not, share your purpose here. What’s one thing you can do to get closer to that goal?

Thanks for listening.
T.

Finding my voice

Posted on May 5, 2013 by Tova

Tonight I went to a local event hosted by a non-profit called NechamaComfort.

NechamaComfort is a Jewish pregnancy and infant loss support group started by Reva Judas, whom I met when she reached out to me after seeing the Muchness Bands featured in a local paper.
This event was designed to help the community understand the complexities of pregnancy and baby loss so they can be better prepared to understand and help when it occurs to those they love.
At the end of the event, I raised my hand and shared that today is International Bereaved Mothers Day. And then I asked if I could read something I wrote for the day. It is posted on PowerOfMother.com
The response was amazing.
I never feel regret after sharing my voice. I only regret that I don’t do it even more.
Please check out my post.
A mother is a mother
.

Right now. Are you where you are?

Posted on May 4, 2013 by Tova

I’m not exactly sure what or how it happened but sometime in the last week I went from living in fear- living in mental noise and chaos- living in the future and in the past- to living now.
Suddenly my mind has quieted down. My creativity has piqued, and I’m feeling more focused.
Maybe it is the job. Maybe having the security of income is helping my fears subside. Maybe being in a space where I am the most colorful thing outside of a Pantone Swatch Book is reminding me of the importance of my mission.
Or maybe it was the trip to the cemetery. Something about going there feels like it set me free. Suddenly I feel free to accept what comes my way, confident that it is all part of a master plan. It created a shift in perspective for me that is making it easier to go through the day with grace and confidence.
It has also made me realize I need to step away from the computer. If I accept this job I will be glued to a screen all day. That means for me to find my muchness out of a job I need to create a tactile experience for myself. A craft, a human connection.
On the drive home from the cemetery inspiration struck. I initially dismissed the idea but I the more I think about it the more connected to it I feel. And the more excited.
I’ve decided to keep it a secret until it is underway. I know. So selfish.
I will refer to it as Operation:Glitter.
Stay tuned for more info…
As we drive down the highway I found myself (in a very non-tova way) noticing the foliage.
I said to My hubby “hmmmm… Pretty trees.”

Is that some variation on stopping to smell the roses?
Welcome to my change in perspective.
Hoping to hold on to this one….

Stop and let a little light in!!!

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Tova

I discovered something about myself today. I went back to that job that is dreary and gray and I came with a new attitude.

I taped my postcard above my computer and took the two rocks I brought home from Sunshine and Daisy’s grave and put them below that, and then I decided to shine my Muchness into the hallways of this J.O.B. Perspective is everything.

At lunch I went to go sit outside in the prison yard and there were some other employees out there. One was a guy who said he used to paint art and had gallery shows but he gave that up when he started having kids, and he took this job in the grayness and dreariness of Armpit, NJ. He said – in a tone that was clearly sincere but marked with sarcasm – that he felt as though he was rotting from the inside out.

I was like “NO!!!! No you CANNOT rot from the inside out!!! Please, please do not do that to yourself…. that makes me so sad for you!! I want to help!!!!” …and I meant it.

I have spent the last 6 months – the months I took to Build The Muchness – and spent it behind my computer screen. That is awesome because I love connecting with people online, but it also left me without the face-t0-face time and conversations that truly help me see where my energy is needed. This guy- oy. He was so drained of Muchness. I just wanted run over to him and sprinkle pixie dust on his head to awaken the muchness monster inside him.

I think he will be my project. All of them. I am still not 100% sure I will be taking this job. I don’t know if it’s what I am supposed to do to help me create income while I continue to share The Muchness, or if it was brought to my life to serve as a wake-up call about what The Muchness is truly meant to be about.

If you are reading this and can relate to that guy, that person that says “Oh, I used to……. but now I just…… because I have to. I’ll refind that part of me later.” I IMPLORE you to go out and but yourself a present- something sparkly, something bright and beautiful and vivid and wild that you LOVE that breaks the sound barrier of gray that surrounds you. Take one little step to push through that fog. Please, please, pretty please do not sit there and say “later, I’ll do that.” NOW. IS. LATER.

I wore these shoes today. First time since last fall. These are my absolute favorite shoes for a whole bunch of reasons. But the #1 reason?? Because they make other people smile. Ya know how good it feels to make other people smile just by walking into a place wearing absurd shoes? It feels damn good. Good enough to have you contemplating taking a job at the grayest place on earth.

Maybe I have been sent where I am needed….

My commitment

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Tova

I’ve been feeling so off-track lately. Two weeks ago I felt right in the zone of muchness and then, boom, in a minute I felt more lost than I have in years. I’ve spent the last week at a 9-5 job and it has been so.not.muchy.
I don’t even say that to be cute. The people are lovely. The work is fine but something about the environment feels like it is the most absolute wrong place for me.
But I need to earn a living.
And trying to figure that put while simultaneously follow my purpose is a real complicated clusterf*ck of “how to?”
I’ve stayed away from talking about the big M word ($) on the blog because I told myself it wasn’t something “appropriate” to talk about. But the fact is, it’s a reality of life, and unless I learn to make peace with the idea that earning money is not a “bad” thing, I’m really never going to earn any.
The Muchness was sent to me as a gift from my girls and it has been the path that guides me to my passion, which is helping people find theirs. I can’t fulfill my purpose when I’m worried about paying bills.
Do I have a solution? Not yet. But it’s time to start being honest. Because this conflict has been causing me a lot of pain. A lot.
Today I went to the cemetery to see Sunshine and Daisy. I hadn’t been there in over two years. I felt like they were calling me and I needed to go to them.
Their rocks are still there. Faded.

I sat next to them and talked. I cried. I asked them to help me see the answers. To help me make the right choices and send me signs to let me know I am.
While there, I pulled out my laptop to write them a letter. It was a commitment letter. A promise to keep doing this work, to stay connected to my light, my talents, my joys- and a promise to continue to share that with others. That means blogging more often. When I’m up, when I’m down. It means sharing my voice even when it shakes. It means forgiving myself for the things I wish I did better and allowing myself to be real and vulnerable so others (and i) can see that that is not weakness. It is life.
As soon as I finished writing that commitment letter, two white butterflies flew past me, and as I lifted my tear filled eyes to follow them I saw two birds, flying together across the sky. They were the only birds I saw the entire time I sat there. I completely lost it.
Then, I pulled out some stickers and decorated their rocks.

Then, I turned and looked at the other baby graves. When I was there three years ago it looked deserted. Like no one ever visited these little babies. But something was different. There were more tombstones. Stuffed animals rested against grave markers. Directly in front of my babies was a headstone and on the back, facing my girls, was a collection of stickers, clearly stuck there randomly by a child- likely a sibling of the deceased baby. The stickers were worn and weathered but when I looked close I could make out the image on a few. This one was the clearest:

A mama bear with her two baby cubs.

There was also a new grave. Decorated with a collection of daisies and sunshiny yellow glass stones. And two butterflies.

Somehow, I know everything is gonna be ok.

At odds with myself

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Tova

As I crawled into bed tonight I started feeling very emotional. I spent the day at a “full-time job”- testing for a position I am beyond qualified to fill, creating products I actually like.
I have been on the fence about whether I am going to accept a (basically) full time (4-day) position.

The idea of it terrifies me.

It feels like I’d be stepping back in time. It feels like I’d be turning my back on this life course I feel I was created for. On this gift and assignment I was given.

But It also feels like income.

And I need that.

I keep telling myself that this job will bring me peace of mind. That being around people all day, wearing muchy shoes and constantly being told how fabulously talented I am will help me reconnect to my muchness and fuel this project. But I can’t also help but feel like this job offer is more of a wake-up call. My goal when I left my last job was to put myself in the path of Muchness growing opportunities, and while I did do that, I’ve also squandered my time. I’ve been fearful and shy. I’ve been self-critical and lazy- attributes disguised as confusion.

I was watching Project Runway tonight. (I know, that was one hell of a segue.) It was the finale. I haven’t watched it all season but flipped it on while I sat and collated decks of Muchness Moments cards. What I saw made me cry.

Those finalists, they took everything they had in them, they dug deep, found their voice, found their confidence, and worked their asses off for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that was sitting in front of them.

I’ll have what they’re having please.

I remember my portfolio when I graduated with my degree in Toy Design. I knew it had to be fan-fucking-tastic, and I knew it would take me 3-4 rounds for every project. I brought my B game all semester long. I was absorbing the info. Rather than killing myself to create “my best” knowing it wasnt going to be “good enough” and then be disappointed, I created “good enough for now” The program head was very worried about me. But I knew. I knew that at the final hour, when those boards had to be done the final time, they’d be everything they needed to be. Maybe more.

And they were.

Maybe this job is my “by the way, it’s almost graduation time- time to pick up your A game” heads up.

In fashion everything is always completed a year in advance. I spent half the day thinking the current year was 2014. No joke. I was honestly stumped at one point.

I’m not ready for 2014. No. Not ready at all.
In the words of this teenage crush:

I wore two Muchness Bands today. A double dose.

Ya know that moment when you’re driving somewhere unfamiliar and waiting for the correct street and convince yourself you’re going in the wrong direction so you turn around right before you get where you’re going?

I don’t want to be that person.

Xox, Tova

This is a problem…

Posted on April 24, 2013 by Tova

[youtube_sc url=”http://youtu.be/dTFDfR47dl4″]

Two days ago after posting about how I was going to try and stay present and grateful and real I came across this video on my friends newsfeed. Just listening to it calmed the voices in my head, and the last two days have felt a lot more serene and less stressful than the days before.

The fact is, on this roller coaster train of Muchness seeking I feel like I am in a cycle of dips and highs and I am responding in the exact opposite way as I know I’m supposed to- I’m being the anti-muchness- looking at all the things that aren’t working, that are stressing me out, that are less than ideal.

Blech.

This video – even in all it’s woo-woo calmness – has helped me remember to slow down, focus on one thing at a time, and pay attention to my present moment. (Because really, the present is the only place you are gonna see your Muchness Moments anyway)

Today I looked down and realized that I am wearing the blue jeans the absolutely DEFINE my lacking Muchness period of my life. That kinda upset me.

I like to think that to a casual observer they are just cute distressed jeans but in reality I know better.

I bought them at a time when I was unhappy with my body. They were the only jeans that fit over my tush nicely. (They are designed to fit “curvy” girls)

I wore them to death, until there were literally holes in the inner thighs and crotch.

So I patched them. I told myself it was cute but in my heart I knew I didn’t mean it. Wearing them made me feel disgusting.

So I eventually bought a new, identical pair.

And I wore those until there were holes in the inner thighs and crotch. So I patched those. I again told myself it was cute but I knew I didn’t mean it. Externally I cursed the manufacturer for making such well fitting and expensive jeans in such crappy material.

And every time I wore those jeans I felt like crap. Even though they still looked pretty cute on my tush. Except where the patches were.

And when I began my journey to find my Muchness I put them away and said “never again”… I will keep these as a reminder of where I never want to be again.

And I’m wearing them today.

Why?

I don’t know. Something about the old familiarity of them was calling to me. I noticed today that the patch on the hole on the crotch has developed it’s own hole. Air conditioning.

A family of 4 could crawl through the hole in the knee and have a picnic on my thigh.

And I won’t even mention that my combat boots look like they’ve been to a war zone.

It’s spring. It’s time to make a change.

I think it might be Muchness Hunting Season.

I’m on a really tight budget these days.

Muchness might mean DIY and Creative problem solving.

What is must mean is reconnecting and being present.

And sequins. Color. Smiles and optimism.

Maybe I’ll start by giving these damn jeans a Muchy Makeover. After all, they do still make my tush look nice….

Underneath it all, we’re more the same than different.

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Tova

Losing my babies taught me to be honest. Going online and connecting with the hearts of other women in grief allowed me to see that underneath all the snap judgement and self-inflicted comparisonitis- so many of us are so much more the same than we are different.

People may fill their fb streams with beautiful pictures, inspiring quotes, and perfect looking realities, (I too am guilty- after all, i don’t post my non-muchnessmoments on fb,-and there are many) but life is far from picture perfect. And I know this.

Yet I still fall into that trap. I still forget that what I really want is to be real.

Last week I posted in a private women’s business fb group that I am contemplating taking a J.O.B because this online money making muchness gig, while I ❤❤❤ it, doesn’t exactly bring in the ~~bacon~~. Gefilte Fish. This admission makes me feel like a failure because I believe this is my intended purpose and i have such a passion to help women find their way out of darkness. But I can’t seem to connect with that when I’m stressed about being able to pay my bills. That depletes me and steals my
Muchness so I have none to share. Here or in real life.

So many women in that business group are successful. So many intimidate the crap out of me from a business perspective. They just appear to have their shit all together, following their passion, living their dream…..And then they started replying to my post. And they started sending me private messages. And they were getting real. Yes, they may look like all that and a shiny bag of chips, but they are struggling. They are putting it all in the line. They are working their tails off and not making ends meet, putting all their faith in a dream, and scared shitless that it’s not gonna work.
And I realized I’d forgotten one of the most important lessons of what my daughters lives and deaths taught me. We’re all human. We all struggle. We all compare our insides to other people’s outsides.

Listen, we all have dreams. Whether those dreams are to be on the Ellen Show (my dream) or to be able to afford new shoes for our kids when they start the new school year, (my other dream) you are not alone. You aren’t the only one that is always comparing yourself and coming up short. The people you’re comparing yourself to are likely doing that same thing.

Lets take this week and make an effort not to compare. Not to assume. But simply to accept our own beautiful lives with gratitude and reality. We are here. We are taking in air. We are possible.

In the spirit of that, I’d like to share a picture of the filthy car where I sat and wrote this post, because when I go back to my home office I seem to easily lose focus because I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.

When people see my car and the mess inside, I feel shameful. Releasing that feeling here is scary, and I’m ready to feel vulnerable again. That place of vulnerability is the only place where growth happens….

What have you been hiding/feeling shameful or inflicting negative judgement on yourself about?
Share it here. Let others know they too are not alone.

Heartbreak in Boston

Posted on April 19, 2013 by Tova

When the Newtown shooting happened, I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say much. But I felt it deeply and ached for those people. And now Boston. The terrifying heartbreak that continues to unfold leaves me at a loss for words. Hearing about children that have lost their lives or are injured takes on a new level of sadness when you have experienced any kind of loss of a child. At least for me. Just makes you feel it deeper and makes your heart break just a little bit more.

After loss there’s a tendency to fear the worst catastrophes are lurking around every corner. When catastrophe strikes it just exacerbates those feelings. Yesterday Elie flew overseas to be with family for a celebratory event. All day I had irrational fears. Was so grateful to hear his voice on my phone leaving me a message that he’d landed safely.

I hope everyone who reads this is safe and sound with their families this weekend.

Sending love and light to the people in Boston. And in Texas.