TOVAS BLOG – Page 2 – Finding My Muchness

Ramblings about nothing that might mean something to someone. Maybe.

Posted on July 29, 2014 by Tova

It’s been a summer of change around here. Not the kind of change that whacks you over the head and drags you off to a new life but the kind that subtly seeps in, pushes and pulls and tugs at your insides for a while, leaving you to wonder if you’re losing your mind. Insecurity seeps in. Clarity seeps out. Moments of overwhelm come fast and furious and you wonder how you ever thought you had a grip on anything solid in the first place.

And then, one day, you wake up and it’s different. The shift has occurred. You remember you can chose your perspective aand the perspective you chose actually feels right. And honest.

I’ve spent the last 10+ weeks running my first ever Finding Your Muchness After Babyloss online program. Together with psychologist Julie Bindeman and 12 incredible women, I found myself engrossed emotionally in these journeys.

I thought the journeys would belong to the women in the course. I planned to accomplish a whole host of other things while the course was in progress, but then, I accomplished almost none of them. For months I told myself I was lazy. Unfocussed, overwhelmed… all nonsense, I’m now giving myself permission to admit. That course had me on an emotional journey as well and my lack of engagement in too much else was just my way of honoring that journey. Geez. Not so complicated in retrospect but last week it sure had my feathers in a pinch.

Anyhoooo, I was so caught in a dysfunctional headspace and poor perspective that I told my husband I need medication to manage my self-diagnosed and never tested nor treated ADD. I even went to a shrink and asked her to give me some pills. She told me I had to have therapy first. So I went. Twice. And what I walked away with was a reminder to get off my ass do the shit that needs to get done. And also, that blogging is great therapy. It got me through the worst time of my life. – Well, that’s not 1000% true. I didn’t blog right after the loss, nor in the depths of my grief. At those times I just spent every waking minute in online chat rooms for loss moms, learning how to feel.

But then after that I blogged. And lord, when I’m doing that on a regular basis- it might be better than therapy…. though it might also create a need for therapy… but only when I overthink. And worry about what people are thinking of my writing. Man, that’s such a major buzz-kill.

A few years back I took an online business course and the first thing it pounded into our heads was to get inside the heads of our readers. There was a 15 page assignment designed to help us get into the heads of our readers. And I attempted to do it- I did…. many times, but I could never finish it. And the more I tried to get into the head of my reader, the more outside my own head I felt. The more I started writing for other people- Imaginary people I was supposed to be creating – instead of for myself and the actual people who seemed to be reading my ramblings even when they made no real sense and had no ALL IMPORTANT CALL TO ACTION!!! (The golden goose of online business, in case your wondering…. You must ALWAYS have a CALL TO ACTION…. see yours at the bottom of this post…. if you make it that far…. I know… I’m rambling….)

Last week I went to a little group blog-planning session and with 8 other women we talked about blog subjects and how our blogs can help us build our businesses and after listening to me explain my blogging conundrum (who am I blogging for? Who is my reader? blah blah blah….) the group basically set me straight. They said “You blog about Muchness. Your Muchness. Other people’s muchness. Just go with that. And have fun”

This Blog Posts OFFICIAL CALL TO ACTION:

Please, comment below and let all 6 readers of this blog know how you proactively switch gears to get out of a bad cycle of self-doubt, overwhelm or overthinking.

Fashion Design meets muchness!!

Posted on July 9, 2014 by Tova

This past Saturday I was sitting on my sister in laws porch talking about how, for a while now, I’ve had a desire to create a Fashion Design Bootcamp for teen/preteen girls. I was thinking maybe I could run it for a week at the end of the summer between when camps end and school begins.
She said it was a great idea and I decided to move forward by doing squat about it.
Then, on Tuesday, by sheer coincidence, my brother-in-law called and told me a friend of his, who is program director at a middle school, called him to ask if I might be interested in running a Fashion Design after school program this fall.
What’re the chances?
So today I put together a proposal for a class where kids would be creating their own fashion brand + collection. Immediately I started thinking about how they’d HAVE to bring their Muchness to this task- how to really use it as a platform to teach fashion design and also confidence, self-esteem, fearless, authentic self-expression. I’d weave in to the classes lessons on avoiding comparisonitis and choosing to see the beauty and uniqueness in everyone, so you can see it in yourself… Thus, creating a brand and collection that is uniquely, awesomely, fearlessly YOU!
Dude, I hope this works out. I’ve already contacted my kids school to see if I could offer the class to their middle school as well. 🙂

Balance Schmalance

Posted on June 26, 2014 by Tova

“Go with the flow”— thats what they say, right? when you want to find equilibrium, you should roll with life, allow yourself to not hold onto control and take what comes your way with grace, working towards what you want…

but what happens when the “flow” leads you somewhere and then you have no idea how you got there, and ‘there’ isn’t working?

If you’ve been following my blog for some time you know my writing goes in phases- sometimes I write and sometimes I don’t. And when I don’t it’s usually because I’m too busy in my head trying to untangle a puzzle that I know won’t untangle until I start writing… Oy. Because I never know where to start. Where or how to just pop in and pour water on the drought that seems to happen when I stop writing.

There’s been too much in my mind lately and a lot on my plate and I’ve gone into shut-down mode a bit. Uch. I hate that.

So I hear myself say that and then try to back up back into flow. Grace. This is part of my rhythm. (why is that word so damn hard to remember how to spell properly?!?!) “Let yourself be, Tova” I try to say to myself. Don’t beat yourself up. FEEL what is at the root of this yuck feeling.

Is it the fact that I’ve been wasting hours popping bubbles on my phone to give my brain time to unwind and this very act leads to the self-loathing that I am trying to get away from?

Is it PMS, which is so much worse and pronounced since I’ve started working from home and become hyper aware of ‘me’?

Is it the change of seasons and all the coordination of summer activities which is pulling me from my business responsibilities?

Is it the fact that I don’t want to feel guilty about working while my kids are home, but my kids are home a lot these days, but if I don’t work, I won’t be able to feed them?

Is it that even with all that, I still spend time popping bubbles on my phone?

Is it the fact that I want to be writing here more – that I used to use this place as therapy but now that I have more people in my circle who may read it, I worry that I should always have the right thing to say with the perfect accompanying graphic to go with it? I want to inspire people- I believe that in my soul it’s part of why I’m here, but when I am feeling disconnected, I feel like I’d be phoning it in to write inspiring shit that just feels like a bunch of BS strung together and tied with a glittery bow up top. Seriously, the amount of inspiring shit that’s online is seriously depressing sometimes. One of my huge fears is being one of those cheesy, clichéd “happy people” that make me roll my eyes because their message seems so sugar coated and lame. —fine line to muchness, I’m thinking.

My sister said something really crappy to me yesterday. She didn’t mean to, she’s just sort of built like a 6 year old who feels no responsibility to think about her words in that split second when they travel half-baked between her brain and her mouth. (I assume they start in her brain. It would not take much to convince me otherwise sometimes.) I didn’t even respond because it was so incredibly hurtful that I couldn’t even speak words. And yet I know it wasn’t meant to be hurtful at all. It may have even, in some twisted way, been conceived as a compliment, of sorts. But then, she’s a 40 year old woman. If at this point she can’t see her words from a perspective other than her own does it really pay for me to educate her, or do I just sit with those words, stewing in me…. or do I write them here in the hopes that makes them dissipate into the universe knowing they are off my chest and released from my shoulders. Sometimes that happens. We’ll see if it does this time.

When I step back, I see the things are actually going well overall- I have a class full of participants in my Muchness After Babyloss course and it is one of the most fulfilling things I’ve done in my life to date. The business I’ve started with my husband, earseeds.com is getting off to a great start (though taking all my time, and focus, with the exception of my family and my course)

I’m trying to juggle and balance simultaneously, like an act on Americas Got Talent…. except I’m feeling like this week I’m landing flat on my face with my skirt over my head and my ass hanging out.

—-

There. I broke the silence. Poured water on my drought. What next?

You can fly to the moon on your talents too.

Posted on May 8, 2014 by Tova

“Why do you think you’re qualified to ‘teach’ people how to grieve? A lot of people have gone through loss. What makes you think you have anything special to share?”

Many years ago, when I first shared with my mom that I felt called to help women find their way through grief… with sequins… that was her response.

My mom, my entire life, told me that I could do ANYTHING I set my mind to. She told me I could fly to the moon on my talents. She told me I could start and run a business that would make bajjilions. She is the one who encouraged me to start my own handbag business at the tender age of 21. And she told me top think BIG! “It takes just as much effort to make 10 bags as it does to make 10,000” she’d say, completely overlooking the fact that it takes a lot more effort to SELL 10,000 bags.

But that was fine- because with her (not so) blind optimism and encouragement, I believed whole-heartedly that I could absolutely do it.

When I was a teenager and painted disturbing horror-ish characters, life-sized, crawling out of graves on my bedroom wall, she brought her friends up to my room to brag about my talents.

And it wasn’t only me. When my older sister – the book-smart brainy one- was thinking about going to nursing school, my mom said HELL NO. You are going to medical school. And she did. A really prestigious one. On a full scholarship where she received her MD. and her Ph.D. Now she is a pediatric cardiologist who helps fix babies hearts.

So when my mom, for the first time in my life, questioned my ability to do what I felt I was being drawn to do, it stopped me in my tracks. It made me question myself and what the hell I thought I was doing with this Muchness thing.

Sure, if it was just about creativity and clothes, I was more than qualified, but maybe if it was about the deeper stuff, the stuff that sits in darker places, I wasn’t exactly equipped for the job. It derailed me from this goal for over a year.

But another thing she taught me is that if I’m meant to do something, I will.

I met Dr. Julie, and together we’ve been creating this Muchness After Babyloss 8-week program. Because now, the time is right.

To kick off the launch, we created a 7 day mini-challenge, to help loss moms get to know us and what we stand for. That program is now in progress.

The feedback, response, is incredible.

Being witness to the opening up among the 650+ participants is so reaffirming.

Comments from participants like these amaze me:

“I feel like this is helping to get me unstuck. My therapy sessions do not seem to be as productive the last 6 months as you have been in three days.”

“The challenges have been tough, but yesterday, for a brief moment, I felt more like myself than I had since my first miscarriage.”

“This challenge/group has made it easier to get out of bed today. Thank you for this. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

“This program is already helping me tremendously! I was leery at first. Thanks for all the love”

…they make me know I am on the right path. And my mom was right. I can fly to the moon on my talents… I just didn’t even know till now what some of those talents are. I too am discovering my Muchness, more and more every day.

If you are feeling called to go deeper into your healing journey after loss, we (Dr. Julie and I) hope you’ll consider Muchness After Babyloss.

There is light and life and joy and purpose after loss. We want to help you find it.

We are hosting a free confrence call this evening where you will get to hear from myself and Dr. Julie and ask any questions you may have about the 7 day free challenge or the 8 week course which starts May 18.

Want to find out more? Comment below or register to get call information emailed to you.

Why are you such a Judgy McJudger?

Posted on May 5, 2014 by Tova

When I speak publicly or lead workshops one of the things I get asked about often is how I walk out the door, wearing my muchy Muchness, and don’t care what people think. The question itself is sorta a backwards compliment, but I’m not picky. I’ll take compliments in any form. 🙂

Now, I have an answer to this…. or the parts of ideas and thoughts that have pieced themselves together into an answer, and I’ve become so subconsciously aware of when people are thinking this, that I sometimes bring up the topic on my own in talks.

It basically boils down to this:

When I proactively make a choice to forget to judge others, somehow that makes me forget that they may be judging me.

It doesn’t happen automatically- there are certainly times where I stand in my closet and think “God- if I wear that, what are “they” gonna think?” but then I remind myself that just because “they” may wear beautifully tailored clothing, with perfectly coiffed hair from the salon and impeccably polished fingernails, doesn’t mean “they” are a judgmental bitch. Frankly, if I assume “they” are, than what does that make me? I’ll tell ya what…. a judgmental bitch.

I get that this is not so simple. I get that there are a lot more layers to this “who am I and how do I fit in with the world and people around me” conundrum, but frankly, I don’t have time to be doing that kind of math and emotional spelunking. Besides, I indulged those thoughts for years. I was left wearing gray and feeling invisible and like crap. But hey, at least no-one on the outside of my head was judging me, right?

So what do I do? I look around my closet, pull out something that makes me smile, is clean, weather appropriate and meets the general, broad guidelines of “appropriate” and walk out the door, reminding myself that everyone is human and sparkles make me happy. Anyone who wants to judge me behind my back just needs a little Muchness in their lives! (and PS- while you’re back there, don’t forget to kiss my muchy ass! 🙂 )

So last week I went to an incredible event- the Mom Grows A Business Conference in White Plains NY. This is me on that day.

photo copy 2

I was a sponsor of the event, so I had a table full of Muchness Stuff, but what I didn’t expect was to be called on stage to share The Muchness Movement and my story.

But I was, and so I did.

And in that moment- that moment where I felt pretty effing awesome about being confident and experienced enough to grab a mic and hop on stage unprepared in front of 300+ entrepreneurial woman and keep my cool, I was being judged.

Probably by many, many people.

But only one decided to share it on her blog. (That I know of.)

And while I certainly could have assumed that I was being judged, assuming it and reading it in black and white are two entirely different things.

As I read her post, I got a little hot under the collar, ya know? I tried not to get all tense, or start second guessing my decision to wear something I KNEW would set me apart from the…. other women at the event.

OK- now before I go any further I want to point out a few things:

1- Despite what she wrote, I was not wearing vertical AND horizontal stripes. Just horizontal…. with a zebra striped Muchness Band. So sue me.

2- The idea of being styled by a carefree, excited-about-life two year old doesn’t really bother me that much. Better that than the personal shopper at, um…. White House Black Market. (hello….color?)

3- I didn’t have a miscarriage at 23 weeks. In-utero losses past 20 weeks are considered stillbirth. And I was 23.5 weeks. It’s a small difference but important to me.

I wear what I wear because I believe what I write, what I speak, and what I feel. I wear what I wear because once people are done judging me from afar, they may just get close enough to know why. Or I may get lucky enough to get on stage and share it with them. And sharing my Why is why I am here. Because my why seems to open people’s hearts. Because it helps people lower their own barriers, drop the walls and judgements they have built around them that stop them from… well, from doing so, so much in their own lives, with their own truths, hearts and talents.

So…. yeah. In the end, it was a pretty complimentary post- Wanna see what lesson this woman learned about her own Muchness? Go. 🙂

PS- If pre-Muchness Tova saw me now, she would totally judge me. But frankly, she was kinda a judgmental bitch.

Do what you think you can’t do.

Posted on May 3, 2014 by Tova

It’s 12:22 on Saturday night and I’ve been working and working and working- and I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but I just finished something big and wanted to give myself a little pat on the back before moving onto the next thing I gotta work on. I logged on to FB for my “fix” but just wasn’t feeling it. The fact is, I just felt a need to connect with you. The people who really know The Muchness and signed up to hear from me.

About 5 minutes ago I put the final touches on the free Mother’s Day Muchness after Babyloss Challenge. As I scheduled that final email to send, confirmed all the raffle dates and blog posts were properly set up, I felt a rush of pride and anticipation and just wanted to jump up and down and give someone a hug.

But everyone around here is asleep, so I’m reaching out for a virtual one instead, I guess.

While the message of The Muchness is without a doubt for anyone who resonates with the idea of losing their Muchness (and I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t,) I’ve been wanting to create a program for loss moms for a while and feel really proud that I finally am. This Mother’s Day Challenge is a pre-curser to a more intense and personal Muchness After Babyloss Program that will follow. (I’ll tell you more about that in the upcoming weeks.)

Connecting with Dr. Julie Bindeman, a psychologist and 3x loss mom who works with families coping with loss and complicated family planning in her day-to-day practice was a real gift. It gave me the courage, framework, and accountability- to take what I know from my own experience and share it in a way that I know can help people. On top of that, being able to combine the message of Muchness which is such a heart-centric thing, with clinical data and her years of professional and personal experience around this subject has been incredible.

Ya know, there’s always reasons to be afraid. Always reasons not to do what your heart is calling you to do. Always.

But if there is something your heart is truly calling you to do, please know- there are also so, so many reasons to do it.

Sometimes those reasons are intangible, illogical or other people will think you are bananas.

Do it anyway.

I was terrified to create a program for loss moms. Despite years and years of connecting with other moms who’d had losses, despite being one of them, I was (am) still scared. I know that there is so much we struggle with, issues so real and painful, the idea that anything I say, no matter how glitter coated and sincere, may help is still hard to fathom. And it’s scary for me to put myself out there like this. But it’s what I feel called to do. And despite (or because of?) the fear, it feels pretty good. 🙂

When I left my job 20 months ago, I was also terrified. Although people congratulated me – said it was so brave, the truth is, staying there terrified me even more. Having more of those stupid panic attacks under office tables terrified me even more. Some may say brave. Others (particularly those related to me) may say stupid. I believe, at that point, I had no choice.

And so here we are. There are days I panic, but I don’t have panic attacks. Because this road, though bumpy and uncertain, is the right road, one way or another.

I hope you are on your right, albeit bumpy road. And if you know you’re not, I hope you find your way to it…. scratch that. I know you will.

Thanks for hanging out with me while I continue to figure this whole thing out, and if you are a loss mom and want to join me, Dr. Julie and over 650 women (so far) that have signed up for this challenge, you can do that and share it with others who can benefit right here. 🙂

My kid gave money to the homeless dude.

Posted on March 25, 2014 by Tova

On Sunday we drove into Manhattan to meet my dad and stepmom for dinner. We were a bit early and our little one fell asleep in the car, so after finding a parking spot we sat in the car and waited for her to wake up or for it to get later, whichever happened first.

Sitting on the corner near our car was a homeless man.Like a cliché, with his blanket and cardboard sign, I didn’t notice him. he looked a lot like this guy:

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I grew up in and around NYC. It would be fair to say, for the most part, that the homeless are invisible to me. I know that sounds cruel, but much like the fire hydrants and bus stops, unless I am looking for one, I tend not to notice.

Molly, my 5 year old noticed though.

“Mommy, what is he doing?” she asked.

Oy.

When my kids ask a question, I tend to tell them the truth.

“He doesn’t have any money sweetie. He doesn’t have a home to live in or a job to make money, so he’s sitting there.”

I looked at her as her eyes grew wide. I asked her how that made her feel. She said sad. Then she asked for my phone to play Subway Surfers.

I promptly put the homeless guy out of my mind.

10 minutes later we were getting out of the car and she gave me my phone and pulled me close. She whispered in my ear “Mommy, can we give him some money?”

Oh. Um, ok. I felt a little swell of pride at her thoughtfulness. I guess while her fingers were busy surfing subways her mind was busy processing the concept of homelessness.

I pulled out a quarter from my pocket and handed it to her. Molly, despite being a powerhouse of passion, is really shy. She’s the hide-behind-my-leg kinda shy and the whisper-her-name-into-her-shoulder-when-meeting-a-new-person kinda shy.

We walked together to the man and she reached out and dropped the quarter into his cup. He looked her straight in the face and said “Thank you.” She looked right back at him and replied, clear, confident and sincerely, “You’re welcome.” and then I ushered her away with all the logic of a mom whose 5 year old daughter just gave a homeless man a quarter on a NYC street corner.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what it was that hit me in the gut. The way he said Thank you and the way she looked at him, with humanity and kindness. In part, I was almost jealous of that full-heartedness. I told Elie, proud of how thoughtful she was, and he pointed out that that’s also why kids are trusting and, unless taught not to, will somewhere with a stranger. True.

I began thinking back to my own childhood and interactions with homeless people. I remember, in the 80’s, driving by tent villages that popped up on empty lots that probably house million dollar apartments today. I remember because I was fascinated by their architecture- walls made of shopping carts and tee-pees built from blankets and poles, stuff like that.

And I remember the time a young guy came up to my dad and asked for $20 to take a bus back home to wherever the heck he was from. He promised my dad when he got there he’d put $20 in the mail and repay him. My dad turned to me and asked if I thought he should give it to him. I was about 9, and I said yes. My dad gave him his address (who is the brilliant one in this scenario) + $20 and sent him on his way. He then asked me if I thought he’d get his money back and I said yes. He said he didn’t think so, and his distrust made me mad.

About a month later he asked me if I remembered the guy and if I thought he had gotten the $20 in the mail. In my head I was like “Told ya so!” and said yes. He told me no. He told me he was probably never going to get the money back and I remember thinking “Maybe he will! Ya never know!” but he told me people who ask for money on the street generally are also gonna be liars.

I guess the fact that almost 30 years later I still remember this means it impacted me on a deep level. Yet 30 years later I’m still not quite sure what there is to be learned from the story, other than that I am really gullible, and while I don’t want to crush my own daughters spirit and belief in the goodness of people, well, yeah. You know.

Just a few weeks ago I was in Port Authority and a guy walked up to me and said he needed a dollar for the bus to get home. I looked at his face and then looked away, shaking my head no and walking faster towards my gate. As he walked behind me I heard him mutter under his breath “racist” which kinda hurt my feelings, since I didn’t even notice the color of his skin. In fact, the only reason I didn’t give him a dollar is ‘cuz I recognized him as the same guy I gave a dollar to a month earlier to catch his bus home. :-/

Do you give money to homeless people? Would you have let your kid do that? Would love to hear your thoughts. 🙂

Just for an hour- PLEASE make it STOP!!!

Posted on March 14, 2014 by Tova

I wanted to share with you an idea that I heard falling out of my mouth during my interview with Abigail Eaton-Masters for the Bounce Back Queen Summit.

It went a little something like this:
Somewhere in the last few years the world has become obsessed with this idea of fear. We are all living our lives surrounded by a healthy dose of fear. Fear of what might go wrong, fear of what might go right, fear that we don’t know enough or that we will say or do something to look stupid, fear of being judged, fear of our fear, of not being aware of the havoc it is bringing to our lives, of being too aware of the havoc it is bringing to our lives…. it never ends.

When I lost my Muchness a HUGE part of that involved taking on a ton of fear. And when I lost my girls, that just magnified all of those fears, and added a dollop of new ones.

But ya know what, I’m sick of it.
There was a time when I was NOT ruled by fear. Fear was just a thing that popped up here and there, stuck around for a few minutes, barely getting any attention, and then crawled back into it’s little hole so I could go about the business of living my life.

Sometimes I think that by giving our fear all of this attention- coming to terms with it, analyzing it, sometimes even naming it, all we’re doing is inviting it to come out of it’s hole, put up it’s feet and stay a while.

So here’s what I think. Just for a day. Tell your fear to take a hike. Seriously. Just send it on a vacation, into it’s little hole, and ignore it.

Just for a day.

And if a day is too hard, start with an hour.

And while it’s out of the way, do something it wouldn’t want you to do. Like go for a drive and get lost. Chop your hair off. Write an email to someone who intimidates you. Or just paint your nails purple. Neon purple.

That’s it. That’s all I gotta say about that.

Let me know how that goes for you. 😉

xox, Tova

Hold on while I rip myself to shreds…. Thanks.

Posted on January 25, 2014 by Tova

Can I tell u something I did that was so messed up?

I was invited to join the “welcoming committee” for a women’s empowerment event called “Feminine Weapon Day” – It’s a concert and event hosted by FemineWeapon.com.

This is a total honor and if you are in NYC on Jan 30th you should come. It’s gonna be a kick-ass evening. As a host I get to promote the event and was gifted a photoshoot that will be used to promote Feminine Weapon Day. So, last weekend was the shoot. My kids were upset I was leaving them with their dad and they didn’t want me to go. I spent some time with them, then threw on my jeans and sneakers, shoved my sexay clothes in a backpack with my lame excuse for a make-up bag (It’s basically a ziplock) and ran out the door with shower -wet hair, huffing and puffing to the bus stop to get into Manhattan to be there on time. – I barely had a minute to think about the shoot and optimistically figured I’d look cute enough.

I got to the shoot, changed my clothes, finger combed my hair and slapped a bit of make-up on my face. Good To Go!

After the shoot I was asked for a quote that would be superimposed on the image. The quote needed to answer the question: “What is a Feminine Weapon to you?”

After much thinking and introspection I came up with this:

“When you find the courage to drop your suit of armor and show up as yourself in the world, your true light radiates and you empower others to shine in your presence.” – Tova Gold

A few days later I got an email with a few of the pics from my shoot.

I thought the pics were beautiful. I thought I looked… OK… cute enough.

Then, last night Christina Weber, The founder of Feminine Weapon, emailed and asked if I could do her a favor and add the quotes to some of the women’s pics because her graphic artist didn’t have the time to finish.

“No problem” I said.

She sent me the pictures and quotes of the other women.

And my insecurities skyrocket into overtime.

They were gorgeous. Sexy. OMG- I don’t belong on the same roster as these bombshells.

I looked back at my own picture and suddenly felt… well…. this is how I described my pic to a friend

“I look like a frumpy double chinned housewife who forgot how eyeliner works.
And needs a bra… there’s sequins and pink hair…. It’s a hot mess.“

And then I proceeded to pull my picture into photoshop and and do what I do- I photoshopped the crap out of it.

I “plucked” my eyebrows, fixed my eyeliner and added a little body to my hair. I removed the shadow from my chin and lengthened my neck .Then I brightened my eyes so they sparkled and nudged my boobs just a wee-bit higher on my chest so it looks like I “never boob-fed a baby” (my real-time description to my friend.)

I tried to keep it really natural looking…. like what it would have looked like if I’d just taken that time before the picture instead of after.

And then, when I was happy with my handiwork, I went to copy and paste my quote onto my picture.

“When you find the courage to drop your suit of armor and show up as yourself in the world, your true light radiates and you empower others to shine in your presence.” – Tova Gold

I looked at my photoshopped self and then back at that quote and felt a tremendous disconnect in what to do next.

How on earth could I slap a quote about showing up as yourself on a picture of me that I myself had photoshopped into a suit of armor?

This conundrum was making me feel really emotionally vulnerable. I sent my friend the before and after.

Screen Shot 2014-01-25 at 11.17.17 AM

…and this is what she wrote back:

Her: 1st one

Me: you’re just saying that. I thought it looked OK until I saw those other chics. They were like models.

Her: Nope, it’s my real answer. You look like a model my friend, with model legs to boot! Stop judging my friend and treating her like crap, please. Thank you.

…And then I started to get all choked up. Not because I was so flattered by her kindness (though I was) but because I realized how effing easy it is to fall into these stupid traps and be so disgustingly mean to ourselves. We say things to ourselves we would never, ever, ever say to someone we love, and things we’d beat others up for saying to themselves. Yet we spend every minute of every day comparing ourselves to everyone else and we’re so conditioned to never think we’re good enough. Even when internally we believe in authenticity, it is still so stinkin’ hard to live it.

Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

Do I wish I’d have shown up well rested, hit a salon before my shoot, spent some time in some good lighting with a real make-up kit and treated the experience like it was an indulgence I sandwiched between Yoga class and a pedicure? Of course! But that’s not my life right now. That is not my authentic self. I’m just a mom who lives in NJ and had an opportunity to throw on a sparkly dress and redunkulous heels and get my picture taken for an event I feel proud to be a part of.

So this is me, showing up as myself in the world, double chin, flat hair and boobs that have fed a baby. I am a very lucky woman.

Screenshot 2014-01-27 13.01.38

This piece is part of the Feminine Weapon Day photography series. Feminine Weapon Day is January 30th and has been designated to Honor Your Conscious Light + Beautiful Self.

Join us on Thursday, the 30th, at The Cutting Room (44 East 32nd St.) for the 6:30 photography showcase and Creeds of Love Pop-up Shop, 8p for concert with Margot B. (Boardwalk Empire), Nancy Danino, Syndee Winters and Dilia Jelen, and 10p for the Afterparty show with Coyle Girelli from The Chevin.

Tickets available at: feminineweaponday.com

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Photographer Manuela Rana recently moved to New York City from Italy. She’s the assistant to established photographer Antoine Verglas (Vogue, Elle, GQ, Forbes Magazine, Victoria’s Secret) and currently enjoys working in the fashion and lifestyle photography industry.”

– See more HERE

Are you ready to say what you REALLY want

Posted on January 20, 2014 by Tova

I’ve talked before about my handbag business that I ran throughout my 20’s. It has been my dream since 6th grade to be in the fashion world and have my own business. In high school I worked flipping burgers to pay for one thing: My long distance phone bill to talk to my friends in NY after we moved to Jersey. Everything else I earned went into an envelope in my underwear drawer to go towards eventually starting my own business. And that biz was gonna be FANTASTIC. Seriously. The world was gonna stand up and take notice with this petite little girl with the big mouth had something to say. Oh- and they were gonna LOVE my products. No doubts. The end.

I was gonna be a superstar.

And then, I graduated college and realized the world was not necessarily waiting on the edge of their seats to see what I did next. But that was OK. I’d keep at it and they’d take notice. I started making pants for people. And belt buckles… and all types of etsy style one-offs that I was sure people would want, want, want.

And they did. And then I started making bags. But I wasn’t making them t home. I was making them in factories, in NY, and after that, in China, and I was selling them around the WORLD.

And seriously, this is before people were actually buying stuff online and shipping to individuals. I was selling into stores. Lots of them.

And yet, somehow, despite so many accomplishments, my Muchness kept dwindling. I allowed myself to be more disappointed by the failures than excited by the accomplishments. i focussed on my flaws, my weaknesses, and the fact that despite selling so many bags I never knew how much money I was making nor did I ever seem to have any.

I started that business with grandiose dreams of fun, a fame, and fortune and despite being proud of my product, I ended up broke and miserable with my self-esteem in the toilet.

I remember a conversation I had with a guy I was dating. I had an idea for a new way to market my bags. Se,, my bags very very clever- they did things, like change color, change shape, they were ergonomically designed…. basically, they were awesome. The problem was that when I went to trade shows and was able to explain how they worked, buyers fell in love with them. When those same bags sat on the shelf in retail stores without yours truly there to explain their hidden magic, they just sat. I told him my idea- and it was grandiose- I envisioned a display with my brands name on it that stores would put into their retail space that helped people understand my bags. I’d create cute little videos showing how the bags worked and the video would play on a loop in the store and consumers would see the magic in the bags.

I knew it was a crazy big, expensive, basically impossible idea, but thinking about it excited me none-the less. So I told my then boyfriend about this crazy-pants idea and you know what he said?

Not “Wow- that’s a big idea- do you really think you can pull that off?”

Not “Wow, that sounds really expensive… how on earth do you think you can make it happen?”

Not “That’s absurd Tova, it’ll never happen. Welcome to reality.”

Not even “That idea sucks. What’s for dinner?”

He said, with (to my ears) judgement with a twist of disgust “So you want to put videos of yourself in these stores… really all you want is to be famous. You’re like a little kid who thinks she can be famous. You want everyone to know who you are.”

And I said “NO! I want people to understand how to use the bags!!”

And we got into an argument and hung up the phone and I remember thinking “Did I really just want to be famous? And if I did, was that so bad? Was it childish and naive? Selfish and lame? Or, did I really just want to figure out how to get people to understand how to use my bags? (YouTube didn’t exist in those days, FYI)

The truth is, part of me did want to be famous. I loved what I did, I felt I was really good at it, I worked my ass off, and I loved sharing it with people. Yes, I DID want my handbags to ultimately become a household name.

But after years of slowly losing my confidence, I could no longer admit it.

It was that conversation that ultimately bookmarked on my brain as the moment I minimized my dreams. If I couldn’t even admit to myself what I wanted to achieve and who I wanted to be in the world, how could I ever accomplish it?

I couldn’t.

So I forfeited my business, gave up on my dream and went and got a job. (I also went and got an new boyfriend…)

Whether your dream is to become a famous superstar, write a book, or even just become president of the PTA- the first- and MOST IMPORTANT step in the journey is ADMITTING what you want.

First to yourself, and then out loud.

There is no shame, no fear, no absurdity around saying it out loud. Even if it feels scary and absurd. It’s also not like you are gonna be a “failure” if you say it out loud but then don’t accomplish, or even pursue it.

The only way you fail is you make the choice NOT to lean into your desires by cutting them off before they can even fully exist.

So do it. Right here, right now.

Tell me what you would dream about being or doing if you hadn’t, somewhere along the line, been taught to stop dreaming about who you could be or what you could do.