Ramblings about nothing that might mean something to someone. Maybe.

It’s been a summer of change around here. Not the kind of change that whacks you over the head and drags you off to a new life but the kind that subtly seeps in, pushes and pulls and tugs at your insides for a while, leaving you to wonder if you’re losing your mind. Insecurity seeps in. Clarity seeps out. Moments of overwhelm come fast and furious and you wonder how you ever thought you had a grip on anything solid in the first place.

And then, one day, you wake up and it’s different. The shift has occurred. You remember you can chose your perspective aand the perspective you chose actually feels right. And honest.

I’ve spent the last 10+ weeks running my first ever Finding Your Muchness After Babyloss online program. Together with psychologist Julie Bindeman and 12 incredible women, I found myself engrossed emotionally in these journeys.

I thought the journeys would belong to the women in the course. I planned to accomplish a whole host of other things while the course was in progress, but then, I accomplished almost none of them. For months I told myself I was lazy. Unfocussed, overwhelmed… all nonsense, I’m now giving myself permission to admit. That course had me on an emotional journey as well and my lack of engagement in too much else was just my way of honoring that journey. Geez. Not so complicated in retrospect but last week it sure had my feathers in a pinch.


Anyhoooo,  I was so caught in a dysfunctional headspace and poor perspective that I told my husband I need medication to manage my self-diagnosed and never tested nor treated ADD. I even went to a shrink and asked her to give me some pills. She told me I had to have therapy first. So I went. Twice. And what I walked away with was a reminder to get off my ass do the shit that needs to get done. And also, that blogging is great therapy. It got me through the worst time of my life. – Well, that’s not 1000% true. I didn’t blog right after the loss, nor in the depths of my grief. At those times I just spent every waking minute in online chat rooms for loss moms, learning how to feel.

But then after that I blogged. And lord, when I’m doing that on a  regular basis- it might be better than therapy…. though it might also create a need for therapy… but only when I overthink. And worry about what people are thinking of my writing. Man, that’s such a major buzz-kill.

A few years back I took an online business course and the first thing it pounded into our heads was to get inside the heads of our readers. There was a 15 page assignment designed to help us get into the heads of our readers. And I attempted to do it- I did…. many times, but I could never finish it. And the more I tried to get into the head of my reader, the more outside my own head I felt. The more I started writing for other people- Imaginary people I was supposed to be creating – instead of for myself and the actual people who seemed to be reading my ramblings even when they made no real sense and had no ALL IMPORTANT CALL TO ACTION!!! (The golden goose of online business, in case your wondering…. You must ALWAYS have a CALL TO ACTION…. see yours at the bottom of this post…. if you make it that far…. I know… I’m rambling….)

Last week I went to a little group blog-planning session and with 8 other women we talked about blog subjects and how our blogs can help us build our businesses and after listening to me explain my blogging conundrum (who am I blogging for? Who is my reader? blah blah blah….) the group basically set me straight. They said “You blog about Muchness. Your Muchness. Other people’s muchness. Just go with that. And have fun”


Please, comment below and let all 6 readers of this blog know how you proactively switch gears to get out of a bad cycle of self-doubt, overwhelm or overthinking.

Fashion Design meets muchness!!

This past Saturday I was sitting on my sister in laws porch talking about how, for a while now, I’ve had a desire to create a Fashion Design Bootcamp for teen/preteen girls. I was thinking maybe I could run it for a week at the end of the summer between when camps end and school begins.
She said it was a great idea and I decided to move forward by doing squat about it.
Then, on Tuesday, by sheer coincidence, my brother-in-law called and told me a friend of his, who is program director at a middle school, called him to ask if I might be interested in running a Fashion Design after school program this fall.
What’re the chances?
So today I put together a proposal for a class where kids would be creating their own fashion brand + collection. Immediately I started thinking about how they’d HAVE to bring their Muchness to this task- how to really use it as a platform to teach fashion design and also confidence, self-esteem, fearless, authentic self-expression. I’d weave in to the classes lessons on avoiding comparisonitis and choosing to see the beauty and uniqueness in everyone, so you can see it in yourself… Thus, creating a brand and collection that is uniquely, awesomely, fearlessly YOU!
Dude, I hope this works out. I’ve already contacted my kids school to see if I could offer the class to their middle school as well. 🙂


Balance Schmalance

“Go with the flow”— thats what they say, right? when you want to find equilibrium, you should roll with life, allow yourself to not hold onto control and take what comes your way with grace, working towards what you want…

but what happens when the “flow” leads you somewhere and then you have no idea how you got there, and ‘there’ isn’t working?

If you’ve been following my blog for some time you know my writing goes in phases- sometimes I write and sometimes I don’t. And when I don’t it’s usually because I’m too busy in my head trying to untangle a puzzle that I know won’t untangle until I start writing… Oy. Because I never know where to start. Where or how to just pop in and pour water on the drought that seems to happen when I stop writing.

There’s been too much in my mind lately and a lot on my plate and I’ve gone into shut-down mode a bit. Uch. I hate that.

So I hear myself say that and then try to back up back into flow. Grace. This is part of my rhythm. (why is that word so damn hard to remember how to spell properly?!?!) “Let yourself be, Tova” I try to say to myself. Don’t beat yourself up.  FEEL what is at the root of this yuck feeling.

Is it the fact that I’ve been wasting hours popping bubbles on my phone to give my brain time to unwind and this very act leads to the self-loathing that I am trying to get away from?

Is it PMS, which is so much worse and pronounced since I’ve started working from home and become hyper aware of ‘me’?

Is it the change of seasons and all the coordination of summer activities which is pulling me from my business responsibilities?

Is it the fact that I don’t want to feel guilty about working while my kids are home, but my kids are home a lot these days, but if I don’t work, I won’t be able to feed them?

Is it that even with all that, I still spend time popping bubbles on my phone?

Is it the fact that I want to be writing here more – that I used to use this place as therapy but now that I have more people in my circle who may read it, I worry that I should always have the right thing to say with the perfect accompanying graphic to go with it? I want to inspire people- I believe that in my soul it’s part of why I’m here, but when I am feeling disconnected, I feel like I’d be phoning it in to write inspiring shit that just feels like a bunch of BS strung together and tied with a glittery bow up top. Seriously, the amount of inspiring shit that’s online is seriously depressing sometimes. One of my huge fears is being one of those cheesy, clichéd “happy people” that make me roll my eyes because their message seems so sugar coated and lame. —fine line to muchness, I’m thinking.

My sister said something really crappy to me yesterday. She didn’t mean to, she’s just sort of built like a 6 year old who feels no responsibility to think about her words in that split second when they travel half-baked between her brain and her mouth. (I assume they start in her brain. It would not take much to convince me otherwise sometimes.) I didn’t even respond because it was so incredibly hurtful that I couldn’t even speak words. And yet I know it wasn’t meant to be hurtful at all. It may have even, in some twisted way, been conceived as a compliment, of sorts. But then, she’s a 40 year old woman. If at this point she can’t see her words from a perspective other than her own does it really pay for me to educate her, or do I just sit with those words, stewing in me…. or do I write them here in the hopes that makes them dissipate into the universe knowing they are off my chest and released from my shoulders. Sometimes that happens. We’ll see if it does this time.

When I step back, I see the things are actually going well overall- I have a class full of participants in my Muchness After Babyloss course and it is one of the most fulfilling things I’ve done in my life to date. The business I’ve started with my husband, earseeds.com is getting off to a great start (though taking all my time, and focus, with the exception of my family and my course)

I’m trying to juggle and balance simultaneously, like an act on Americas Got Talent…. except I’m feeling like this week I’m landing flat on my face with my skirt over my head and my ass hanging out.


There. I broke the silence. Poured water on my drought. What next?