Tonight I feel like I stepped in a big steaming pile of …. insecuriity.
Is it just me? Right when I feel like I’m getting myself together, my ideas are strong, my self-doubt, shelved and under control, something comes along to knock me over sideways. The worst part, it’s stuff that SHOULD be inspiring and empowering. I came across a beautifully designed website that is empowering and full of light and Muchness— helping people, putting good into the world… and what i wanted to do was send the founder an email and introduce myself and say “I think what you’re doing is great – I’d love to make a Muchness Band that supports your cause!” but instead I did what was easier and less muchtastic. I started comparing my site to hers. Hers is more polished. Hers is more organized. She’s accomplished so much more than I have. She must be more …something… than I am. Her traffic must be higher, she has so many ideas, her graphics are great, she’s following her dream, she’s accomplishing stuff, and I’m just taking pictures of my feet.
WHY DO WE DO THAT TO OURSELVES???
Ya know, I already recognize that routine within myself. Its happened before and I wish I didn’t do it. I find a site that leaves me inclined to compare. And I get up from my computer feeling ok and excited that I too am working on something meaningful and powerful and true to my heart and then 3 minutes later my belly is in knots and I’m telling Elie about the site I saw that was so good and now I have to change so-and-so or update something… and I know it’s just a form of self-sabotage and I’d be much more muchtastic and probably pleasantly surprised if I did just send the complimentary email that is sincere… but tonight, I didn’t.
I followed up my “whoa is me, I feel insecure” moment with a trip to Target to buy a bathing suit for our florida vacation.
If you are still reading this sob-story of pathetic self-doubt, let me leave you with one very, very important piece of advice. When you are already feeling kinda insecure and shitty, the ABSOLUTE worst idea is to haul your tired, bloated, pasty white ass into a fluorescent lit Target dressing room to try on ill-fitting bathing suits. Seriously.
After that, even the sequin covered picture frames left me feeling pouty and too depressed to take a picture of them. I got nothin’. Nothing colorful and eye catching to accompany this post. So here’s Florida. Yay for vacation!!
Anyway, please make me feel a little less lame about feeling so insecure. It’s not just me, right?
…Uch… I’m even feeling insecure about hitting “publish” on this pathetic confessional.