Something I’ve Never Said Before….

At work today, one of the women randomly said while work-chatting “I want twins.” …she said it like, 3 or 4 times. Said it was like, her dream. What she wants more than anything.

She was talking to a few of us, all isolated in our little cubicles. But i was sitting at a table, out of isolation, working on something. So I could see her. And every time she said it, my stomach lurched.

So I said something I’ve never said before.

I said: I HAVE TWINS. 

Not, I had twins.

Just simply, I Have Twins.

Of course, these women know I have two daughters that are different ages, so after a second of absorbing what I said she looked at me quizzically. “Oh?”

And then, I offered the (small) detail that they were stillborn. But I also heard myself finish the sentence “but they’re still mine.”

And we all agreed that stillborn twins suck.

And then they asked me what happened.

And here’s the thing. I felt myself light up when I spoke about it. I explained the nuances of identical vs. fraternal twins, and intricacies about how identicals form, how, if the fertilized egg splits within 4 days you end up with two placentas, and it’s impossible to know in utero if same-gender twins are identical or fraternal before birth, yes so many under-schooled OBs claim to anyway- and it pisses me off. I drew little diagrams with my highlighter of two babies and their sacks and cords and how TTTS looks, with one little baby up against the wall and the other floating in a giant pool of fluid.

I told them about my beautiful friend Maripili and how she lost her boys to TTTS because there was not one laser machine to perform surgery on her boys’ placenta in the entire Central America. I shared with them how a bunch of TTTS Loss parents helped her help another TTTS mom in her country a year later. With a rented Laser Mackine that is routinely used for prostate issues (I believe)  Her doctor was able to perform the  life-saving surgery and save two little girls and now they are opening up a prenatal fetal Care Center in Costa Rica named after Maripili’s sons, Noah and Gael. That story made one of my coworkers cry. And rightfully so.

I’m sharing this because it was my Muchness Moment in my day. Educating people about TTTS and still birth. Sharing my twins and claiming my place as a twin mom.

We recently had a “getting to know you” night at the school my kids will be at next year. The school pairs new parents with veterans who’ve had kids in the school for years. Of Course, the family we were paired with has twin girls. Of Course. 

The mother was lovely but I noticed every time she mentioned her daughters, she reiterated that they were twins. “What grade are they in?”
“Oh, they’re both in second grade. They’re twins.” 

“Are they in the same class?”
“Even though they’re twins, we wanted to separate their classes. We didn’t want them doing EVERYTHING together.”

And EVERY time she said the word “Twins”, I swear to god, her eyes sparkled and her smile grew wider.

Then I asked if they were identical and, thank god, the answer was no. And her energy diminished juuuust a teeny tiny bit. Because if twins are special, everyone knows identicals are just an itty bitty bit specialer. So sue me. It’s true.

When the time comes, I am going to tell her I am also blessed to have twins. And while the sleepless nights mine brought me are of a whole different variety, I’m gonna make sure my eyes sparkle when I claim MY place as a twin mom too.

Love & Muchness, Tova

4 Replies to “Something I’ve Never Said Before….”

    • Tova Gold Post author

      We should all speak out, if we want to share our children in that way. We are not only a voice for our babies, but also for the thousands of other women who have experienced a loss and have not been able to share their stories.
      It’s a new time and sharing our stories has given voice to a whole generation of women before us who weren’t “allowed” to share their grief and had no where to go for support or understanding. This is one of the proudest “side effects” of sharing my twins..

  1. Maripili

    Ohhhh Tova <3 I love this and I can't believe I'm in it. When I read my story it seemed like I was reading someone else's… I have no idea why. So beautiful! And it just makes me think that it's so right to claim our place as twin moms. I love you, and thanks for sharing!!


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