Where is the Muchness?

I haven’t written too much lately. It’s not that I have nothing to write about, it’s that I feel a little overwhelmed. There is so much I want to do – so many places I want to take The Muchness Movement, and so little time in which to do it. Today is September 2nd. 3rd. It’s 12:15 in the morning. I’d been thinking about this post for a few days, and planned to post it in September 1st. September. That’s the month. If you check out the little ticker in the left hand corner, It’s getting close. Just 22 days away. 22 days and it will be two years since we said goodbye to Sunshine & Daisy. Two years since I (unknowingly) said goodbye to my old life and started building the one I have now. I still miss them. I’ll always miss them. My arms still ache to hold them. I still wonder what they would have looked like. What they would have smelled like. How it would have felt to have two identical looking babies look up at me, smiling.

I only see them in my mind as babies. I know some babyloss moms are different. They envision what their baby may have looked like as they got older. I don’t know. Maybe I do that too. I look at babies that are close to their age but I don’t imagine them that way. They’d have been premies. They’d have been smaller. There are just too many unknowns for me to make an accurate picture in my mind, so I avoid doing it.

I realized that I started this Muchness project in April. The twins were conceived in April. They lived for almost 24 weeks inside me. And here we are, three weeks away. Once I realized what The Muchness was capable of, I made it my personal goal to grow this project to really huge proportions by September 25th. I regret that I have not been as single-minded and focused as I wanted to be, and now the anniversary is looming and I’m feeling overwhelmed by all I want to do.

So, I’ve decided to take my to-do list ‘public’ and post it on this site. If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last 2 years…. well, then that would be pretty sad because I’ve learned about a million things I never knew (back when I thought I was so smart, ironically) Anyhow, I know that when I put my feelings out there, it helps me move through them. When I share them with others, it helps me to stop swallowing them whole because they can just choke you. So, I’ve made a list. I’ve started a list. I’m even having a hard time finishing the list, let alone the things on it. Fabulous.

22 days to make a dent in the list and enlarge the Muchness Movement footprint. Molly and Liat are amazing little girls who will undoubtedly make their mark on this world. I want to pass on to them the inspiration and strength that their sisters taught me. That is Sunshine & Daisy’s gift to our family, and to any other individual or family that is affected by The Muchness. Their bodies may not have lived outside my body but their spirit does. I believe it is my responsibility to make this their legacy. God, that sounds so melodramatic. I almost deleted it. But I didn’t. Because I believe it. (and besides, The Muchy Tova is nothing if not dramatic 😉 )

September 1st, 2009. Our ultrasound tech, Sureka, said the babies were looking really good that day, so against standard protocol, she pulled out the 3-D ultrasound wand and took some pictures for us of our beautiful, healthy, identical looking babies. What a gift those pictures were then. And even more so now.

Sunshine & Daisy. Forever Missed & Always In Our Hearts.


Love & Muchness, Tova

5 Replies to “Where is the Muchness?”

  1. Tine

    Tova, you are an amazing, strong, funny, smart, crazy, talented and beautiful lady! You have shared your hurts, sorrows, triumphs and joys so publicly and have created this incredible Muchness legacy that so many people, including myself, are benefitting from.

    I think you have completed the ultimate to-do list and anything you do from here on out is gravy, yummy fantastic gravy for all of us. You’re a healer and an entrepreneur and someone I aspire to be more like. I hope you take an opportunity to sit back and enjoy what you have created, you deserve it!

    Love, love, love, LOVE you! And I love the pictures of your beautiful babies, so wonderful that you have those!

    XOXOXO Tine

  2. dennel

    Tova, I’m sending you huge cyber hugs. Isn’t it amazing how a month can permanently screw with you? For me it’s January. Seems every January, I get in a huge cry fest against my husband for something he does or doesn’t do. Every January. So I was talking to my friend and she said, what’s the significence of January? I looked at her like she was nuts, then quietly said, My babies were due Feb 6. So I guess I had planned on having New Years twins. Maybe that’s why I turn into the wicked witch of the west every January. Re-evaluate my happiness meter. Hmm. And you’re so right. It’s therapeutic to put your feelings out. My theory is we carry a bottle of grief inside us. If we leave it there and ignore it, it oozes out, sometimes at very inconvenient times. So sometimes we sit with it and pour a little bit out. This means crying or blogging or whatever but we get some out. Now, it’s a magic bottle, and it can never be emptied. BUT sometimes we get to mix a little happy in that grief bottle. And then, when it oozes out or when we let some out, it’s not all grief. A smile sneaks out or a smell that we remembered. They say scent is the longest memory tied to us. I wore a specific deodorant when I was pregnant with the twins. When I accidentially buy that one, all I have to do is open the lid and I’m taken back to me, the huge preggo, optomistic, scared, mommy expecting twin boys. But that scent used to just make me cry. Now, I can take a little smile and still feel grief, but remember how I felt then.
    Your pictures of your girls are beautiful. Something to cherish. That’s another thing that sucks about this. We hold on to what little we have. Because that’s all we have. I got my file from the OBGYN. Showed my best friend. She said, what are you gonna do with it? I said, Keep it! It’s just about all I have of them. So sad.
    Tova, you’re such an inspiration. And your list is brilliant! The scrapbook…you’re gonna take over Martha Stewart! The new popular thing will be the Tova Gold brand. And your name will probably be written in sparkly gold. lol.
    Take care, and know that we’re all sending you september hugs to get through the month.

  3. LellowOne Post author

    Tova, every time I read your posts you make me cry. I love that you shared these beautiful pictures of your girls too. Thank you for being brave and representing the muchness and helping us all find and get ours back. You are amazing.

  4. JenM Post author

    Funny, right before I read this I made my own to-do list. September is hard month for me too. It’s my anniversary month of my marriage, and September 15 is the day we found out we were pregnant with the girls. September is a month of lots of changes, and new beginnings. It’s hard.


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