Author: Tova

September 25, 2009. Three years ago today, we said goodbye to our twin girls, forever nicknamed Sunshine & Daisy. At the depths of my grief lived a fear that my baby girls would be forgotten. That their short lives and their death inside of me would be a loss without meaning. But now, I know that is not the case. In their honor and memory I’ve shared their story with medical students who might one day find themselves faced with a patient in my shoes. I’ve shared my regrets with my own doctor, so perhaps a future loss mom will get the handprints and footprints I wish I’d have asked for. I’ve shared information and support with other pregnant twin mothers to help make sure they receive the care they need. I’ve opened others’ eyes and raised awareness about TTTS, which kills too, too many babies every year- many due to lack of information and knowledge about this disease. I’ve created a TTTS grief support group for other parents whose babies have been stolen from them by this monster, giving them a safe place to share their babies and their sadness and grief and know they’re not alone.
And I’ve helped women heal. Discovering The Muchness was my girls’ gift to me. It is a project that uses all that is the best in me to help me help others find the best in them. It is what helped me see my pain as a blessing, my loss as a gift and my future as a happy, love-(and-sparkle)-filled place I proactively want to build with my family.
I know now that my girls won’t be forgotten. They live on in me, in their dad and sisters, and in every person that has been touched by the projects they’ve given me the strength to create and share.
On the first anniversary of their loss, a few weeks before Liat was born, I created this memorial video in their honor. At that point I did it for me and planned to share it with just a handful of people, but when it was complete I couldn’t just keep my girls to myself. I shared it with just about everyone who mattered to me. At the time it was about 60 people. But my heart has grown and now anyone in this community who is touched by my words matters to me, and I’m sharing it again.

Thank you for reading, for watching, and for joining me on this journey.

You may have noticed that I’ve been MIA recently. I’ve felt bad about it and my first inclination is to sugarcoat it with all the cool, fun and exciting things I’ve been doing, but that would (mostly) be a lie. Though I have been doing cool, fun and exciting things, mostly, what I’ve been doing is vegging out in front of the TV and watching a LOST marathon with Elie. All six seasons. That shit is addictive. And by season 4, it really was pretty much shit. But now I’m hooked, like an addict and I can’t stop till we complete all 6 seasons. When it first aired in 2004 I didn’t even notice. I was elbow deep in the handbag business I’d started in 2002. TV was low on my priority list as I poured my passion, full time, into that endeavor. For your viewing pleasure, this is a snapshot from my catalog from that era:

No, you’re eyes are not playing tricks on you. I was wearing braces. I was in my 20’s and thought I could change the world with a handbag (my handbags kicked ass— with a business course or two, I probably could have.) Even the fact that I was wearing braces didn’t slow me down. I was at the peak of my Muchness and almost nothing could  rattle me. (’till I got screwed over by a large handbag company… we’ll save that story for another time…)

Anyway, I’ve gotten off course. This week, the week between the holidays of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur is the week that 3 years ago we went from “Yay! We’re almost at 24 weeks and things are looking good!” to “How is it possible I am no longer pregnant and I can’t even begin to comprehend what just happened.” My point? This is a rough week. So I’ve been laying low watching hour after hour after hour of LOST with Elie and counting it as bonding time. And frankly, we’ve bonded. Just last night he whopped me over the head with a pillow while (mostly) trying to exterminate the loudest, most annoying housefly in the history of all man-kind. Hard to explain how and why this was funny, but we were both laughing till tears ran down our faces, so thats a Win in my book.

As the calendar draws closer to Tuesday, September 25th, the day we said goodbye to our girls, I’m just going to allow myself to do what feels right. But after that, I’ve got plans. Because something else has been going on. Something Big. I’m not ready to spill the beans publicly just yet, but it is something that I am hoping will justify the absurd amount of hours I’ve been watching of this LOST marathon and put TV back on the bottom of my priority list, like it was when I was elbow deep following my passion and my Muchness was in full, full-time effect…