Category: INSPIRATION

Inspiration on a Valentines Day

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I am a toy designer. Not currently. Currently I design other stuff, but like a lawyer who went to law school but doesn’t practice law is still a lawyer, I am still a toy designer. I have my degree in Toy Design from the Fashion Institute of Technology. I got that degree at some point shortly before the turn of the century. How old does that make me sound? About as old as I felt at the Toy Design Alumni event I went to today at FIT.

I was reminded of the creative energy that lived like a cloak all around us in those days. The intensity with which we immersed ourselves in our work- positive that we were going to make a tremendous impact on the world, have careers doing whatever we wanted. Being allowed- no- encouraged….no- FORCED to think as creatively and fantastically outside the box as we were capable of doing…. pushing ourselves harder than we thought we were capable of working, and feeling like it meant something- what a muchtastic time that was. Made me want to go back and take the whole program all over again.

So, I no longer work in the Toy Industry, and went to this event alone, knowing I’d know very few people there. I suppose I technically went to “network” but that wasn’t really it. I went because I wanted to be inspired. I wanted to get outside my comfort zone and remind myself what is going on beyond the walls of my house, my office, and the bus ride that shuttles me between the two. I went because the founder of the program, Judy Ellis, created it 21 years ago as the first Toy Design Degree program in the country and that is an inspirational testament to the power of what you can do when you put your mind to it. There is a mantra she brought to us as students, and I remember it clearly:  “Leap and the net will appear.” It is one I often think of when I am at a crossroads- afraid of the challenges and risks that lie before me, but unable to stand on the ledge, insecure and afraid any longer.  I wanted to see her and thank her for the gift she gave me of knowing that I am capable of more than I may give myself credit for.

But I didn’t really know how to say it.

Especially since I am currently feeling like I am on the ledge, feeling fearful and insecure, looking as hard as I can for that net before I leap… and not yet willing to leap and trust that it will, in fact, appear.

I’ll get there. I’ll leap.

In the meantime, I think I’m gonna send Judy a Muchness Band with her Mantra on the inside. Because spreading The Muchness is My Muchness and I know she’ll like it.

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OK- so, there’s more. So, they redid the whole Toy Design space since I was a student and the place is so friggin Muchtastic.

There is a Fabric library for making stuffed animals that is encased in a glass wall, meticulously organized by gradient color:

 

There are crazy oval windows between the rooms that just lend a playfulness to the whole space:

 

There is a wall of toys designed by past alumni in a lounge that is connected to the main room- Oh, how I would have loved to chill in there on nights when we worked to dawn.

But, for me, best of all, there was a fantastic LED lighted ceiling that changed color. Just like my muchtastic wall at home. It kind of felt poetic to me- that the place that helped me discover my own creative inspiration has found inspiration in the same way that I now find it every day. Here’s a little video of it in action!

Amazing.

Wanna learn more about the Toy Program at FIT? Check It Out!

 

The Super-cool Badass Power of Muchness.

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Once upon a place in a time called “my 20’s” I was bad-ass. At least in my mind I was. Bad-ass in that super-cool way 20 somethings sometimes think they are. I was working on my own handbag business and many of my friends were working on their own super-cool businesses and we were sure we were gonna take over the world with our super-cool bad-assness.

One of my friends had a website that sold jewish themed, bad-ass tchotchkas and gifts.

I saw this t-shirt and decided it was meant for me:

 

(Scratching your Head? What’s CHUTZPAH? Here’s what it means.)

I wore it a lot, usually layered under other stuff. And then, in 2007 I got pregnant with Molly. I physically couldn’t fit into this tank top for a year and a half. Emotionally, I couldn’t fit into it for much longer than that. Instead, physically and emotionally I fit into this:

 

(Your “Oy Vey Cheat Sheet.)

This past weekend I found myself in an email exchange that required me to really, truly tap into my Chutzpah. In a positive, productive and proactive way.

I was emailing about something that I believe in so strongly, and I believe affects so many mothers like me- mothers that have lost children to TTTS. I felt proud that I have found my voice and found my strength to use it, to say what I believe needs to be said. To say it in a firm but respectful way. To say it for those not in a position or not currently strong enough to say it themselves.

Before I crawled into bed last night I dug deep into my “clothes I love but will likely never fit into again” drawer and pulled it out. Not only does it fit again, but on days when I’m not bloated, I think I’ll actually find myself wearing it. Perhaps I should pull out the bedazzler and muchify it even more!! 🙂

FEAR. The ultimate 4-letter word. Screw Fear. Who needs it?

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Ive been thinking a lot about fear. Fear. My pregnancy with the twins was ruled by fear. Yes, I was excited, but it was always tempered by fear. Because of the high risk. Because of TTTS. Because of the weekly ultrasounds and the constant  concern that the babies conditions in my womb had worsened. Because I had no way to know, from minute to minute, if the babies growing inside my body were OK. Because I knew what TTTS could do to my babies. How many ways it could damage so many parts of them, forever. How it could steal their lives.

I take it back. I was not excited. I was terrified.

And then my worst fear became a reality. And that became the world I had to navigate.

After the girls died I went through many stages of grief.  I had to relearn to live in the world that my world had become. I was no longer just the standard daughter, sister, wife, mother like everyone else. More than any of those things, I was the mother of two dead babies. Two. Dead. Babies. The words would ring in my ears as I walked in the street. “I have Two Dead Babies. Wow. That’s pretty unusual” I’d think to myself while tears rolled down my cheeks as I walked to the bus station. “I mean, I know having identical twins is unique, but having dead identical twins… wow. Now that’s special. Not too many people get to say that about themselves.”

Now, maybe that sounds kind of twisted, to have thoughts like that. But the brain and heart do some funny things when your worst fears have come true. You realize, over time, that well, basically, you’re still here. You have lived through your worst fear- possibly the worst fear a person can have, and you are on the other side. You’ve witnessed yourself at the weakest, most vulnerable place you can imagine, heard yourself cry harder than you knew you could, feel lower and darker and sadder and more broken than you knew was possible. And you are still here. Feet hitting the ground, day after day. You learn that you are stronger than you thought you were. And if that…. that monster of pain did not kill you, if living through that biggest fear did not overtake you, well, there’s likely not much that can.

At some point in the grieving process, I stopped allowing other fears to guide me. I don’t know that I even realized I had been letting it guide me, until I realized it wasn’t any longer. Even the early days of The Muchness was about that. I’d been afraid before to express myself through my appearance. I’d always loved flashy colorful clothes but once I left college they just didn’t seem ‘appropriate’ (oh, how I HATED that word as a teenager… and again, now) and I was worried how others would judge me. I was afraid to speak up for fear that I’d say something stupid. Or someone would tell me to stop talking. Not anymore. I found I was speaking up when I had a question, without worrying I’d sound dumb, I wore what I liked and made the decision to feel confident in it. Because what was there to fear? Nothing. I am the mother of two dead babies and I am strong. You can’t scare me with your silly little judgements.

I haven’t posted here much in the last week or so. I give myself a big fat F on the declutter challenge and I feel like crap about it. I DID declutter, and continue to, but I just didn’t have the time to sit and post and write and do all the things I wanted to do. Plus, I lost my camera battery and didn’t take enough great pictures. And I found, I was afraid. Afraid to come here and mention it. Afraid I’d disappointed people (besides myself)… afraid of what I am building on this site and hopefully in my life to give back in a meaningful way that is true from my heart. And it’s been eating away at me. And it’s self perpetuating, yet I couldn’t even keep up with the challenge I created. So I am coming here to post and spill my guts and break this cycle of fear that has blossomed inside me since the new year. It is NOT what I had in mind when I said I was going to make this year amazing.

So- I will not let fear rule me. I will be guided instead by optimism, strength, and the knowledge that when I follow my heart, I make the right choices and good things happen.  I am a daughter and sister and wife and mother and I am also the proud mother of two dead babies. Fear has lost it’s privileges in my world.

I like this quote. It doesn’t really take into account fears like babyloss…. though, imagining how much pleasure I would have felt watching my twins grow up healthy, having conquered TTTS, I guess it does. That was just a fear to whose contribution I simply had no choice.

Hurricane Sandy

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I wrote this post during Hurricane Sandy. That feels like a million miles away from where we are now, but I never posted it. I’d planned for it to run as my first contributor post in Still Standing Magazine but by the date my post was due to publish, this felt outdated. So I saved it, till now, when it is without a doubt “outdated.” …I like to think my work is timeless.

___

I was in the windowless attic bathroom, in the tub with my two year old Liat, when the lights went out.
I sat there in the pitch black, stunned.  I wondering what had happened, but I knew exactly what had happened. Sandy had taken out our power.  I’d hoped it wouldn’t happen, though I kind of expected it. But not this early! The storm had barely even touched us!
After a second of shock, I came to my senses and reached for my daughter, sitting only inches from me. I felt for her slippery little armpits and grabbed her close. I turned off the water and called to my husband.
“Elie!” I yelled.
Nothing.
“Elie!!” Louder. And then I heard him say “Oh my God” and start running… And not in my direction. My heart stopped. He’d been downstairs with our four year old, Molly. Immediately I had visions of her being trapped or fallen or terrified of the dark.
“Elie!!!!” I called louder and more emphatically.  I could hear the panic in my voice. And then Liat, thinking I might need help called out, panicky “Elie!” and I realized I needed to pull myself together. I grabbed her close to me and felt my way out of the tub, through the pitch dark and out of the room. As I ran down the stairs holding her against me making sure she wouldn’t slip through my arms, it totally escaped my attention that it was still broad daylight in the rest of the house and we were both completely naked.
As I got near the bottom of the stairs, heart racing, Elie & Molly appeared, looked up at us, and started laughing.
The relief and joy I felt in that moment, as I realized how insane we must have appeared, but so thankful that they were alright, is something that I hope I always hold onto.
After showing me the enormous tree that had fallen into the street from our front lawn, (the reason for his ‘OMG’) we put in our cozy PJs and buckled down for the remainder of the storm.
We decided to all sleep together in the downstairs family room, and as I lay on the back-breakingly uncomfortable pullout sofa with a candle burning on the tv cabinet, I thought about how lucky we were. Lucky that the tree fell into the street and, though it had taken down every wire and telephone pole in a 500 foot radius, it did not take out half our house as it would have if it had fallen the other way. Lucky that we were safe, and together, and for the time being, warm.
In the days that followed our family stayed in the dark, literally and figuratively. We had no power or Internet, and with torn and exposed wires hanging across our lawn, just going outside was nerve wracking . We spent the days together, the girls playing, coloring, dancing. I spent time cooking all our perishables on the (thankfully still working) stove and washing a ton of dishes. We connected to each other almost entirely unaware of the outside world, and it was nice.
On Wednesday morning, while wearing a winter jacket, I cleaned out the refrigerator of all the remaining spoiled food and washed down the shelves for the first time in, um, possibly forever. As I scrubbed something especially nasty out of the back of a drawer, I dawned on me how calm and content I felt. Immediately I thought of my twins. I thought about how, in years past, I would have been a basket case, freaking out about what we were gonna do and where we were gonna go, but I guess I’ve learned a thing or two…
I’ve learned that I can’t control everything and sometimes all the planning in the world just doesn’t matter.
I’ve learned that despite not having a clean refrigerator, or electricity, or, as it were, my living twins with me, I have a world of blessings all around me.
I’ve learned that I am stronger and more resilient than I tend to give myself credit for, yet who we are is truly so intimately entwined with who we *think* we are, so I really aught to own my strength.
I’ve learned that things can always get worse.
As cell phone towers got back online and we were able to charge our phones in the car, I started to hear about the devastation and heartbreaking losses Sandy brought our way. Places we’ve visited in the summers, neighborhoods where friends grew up, demolished.
The worst were the young families ripped apart by this storm.
My heart breaks for them in ways I didn’t know existed before my own, personal heartbreaking storm. And yet I still can’t begin to imagine their pain.
I lay here, typing this post with one finger on my iPhone, in the home of a very generous friend who has a very powerful generator. My girls are two feet away from me on an air mattress and Elie is sleeping at my side. In this moment I imagine that if all I had in the world existed inside this little room, I’d probably be ok… Well, I mean, if there was coffee…
I know a day will come soon when well be back at home, the house will be a cluttered mess,  Molly will be having a total drama-queen hissy fit, Liat, in the midst of potty training, will be peeing on the couch while the Fresh Beats kick up their heels at an insane volume, Elie will be on a business call locked in the office and I will just want to pull out my hair and escape to the someplace quiet. Yes. I know that day will come. And I hope I will think of this moment, take a second to count my blessings, and keep moving forward.

Hold your loved ones tight. Love them even more for the babies you’ve lost or yearn to conceive. The tremendous love in your heart is a special gift to you. Use it. To love better, love more selflessly, love more people, with fewer conditions and expectations. And not only others, but love yourself as well. Generously and gently. That is the way I’ve found to honor my daughters.  I continue to be humbled by the enormity of the gifts our angel babies give us. My hope is that all baby loss moms will ultimately learn to see those gifts in their own worlds. It can be hard inside the darkness, but there is always light when you are ready to see it.

__

Our View

photo copy

The muchiest accessory of all!!!!

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Today, I wore these boots.

I got a lot of looks. I get it. I know that they may bring to mind images of a drag queen pole dancer. So, to counter balance that impression, I wore something else that really makes whatever muchness you wear seem much Muchier.  A smile.

My Theory: When people look at you and think “What on earth is she thinking wearing those shoes (that shirt, those earrings etc…)?” and then they see you smiling, they answer their own question. “Oh, I guess she likes them! More power to her!”…. At least that’s the scenario as it plays out in my mind.
Do u have any clothing or accessories you love but wonder what people will think if u wear it out in broad daylight? Try pairing it with a carefree smile to camouflage your insecurity. Especially when people give you a sideways glance. You’ll get a sense of pride knowing you wore it cuz u love it, and that’s reason enough.

and PS. They usually smile back. 🙂

Amazing gift for a babyloss Mom, from a babyloss mom

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mentioned yesterday that I participated in a holiday gift swap with other TTTS moms. I opened my gift this morning and my heart stopped. This might be the most thoughtful gift I’ve received. Ever. I have grown close with a number of TTTS loss moms, but the woman I was paired with, I don’t know her very well…. but I feel like she knows me through and through. I cried like a baby as I turned the pages of this scrapbook, thinking how I would fill the extra pages with all the stuff that’s been shoved into my memory box and thrown in the closet. I felt myself handling the book like it was as precious as a first edition Shakespeare.

Here are just some of the Pages she created… leaving many with glittery scrapbook paper for me to fill with the girls stuff.

Cover:

First Page: (There’s glitter on those flowers… this book could not be more “me” if I’d sat and made it myself)

Their Birthdate. This makes me cry.

Words to live by:

The best quotes. Every one of them. I need to put them in Muchness Bands.

Cry. Cry. Cry. I love it.

How Muchy is this?

…and this – this feels like a promise I have made to myself to fulfill from a very early age. I want to frame this page and hang it above my computer. Then make a copy and hang it above the craft area where I make Muchness Bands at 2am. I  want to tattoo it on my forehead so I never forget it. (But I won’t. Don’t worry.)

I will post more pics after I fill it with Sunshine And Daisy’s stuff.

Happy Holidays Everyone!!

xox, Tova

Is it a Sprint or a Marathon?

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Today I received a totally inspirational email.

Was it from Oprah? No. Ellen Degeneres? uh-uh. Was it religious based or having anything to do with babyloss? Nope.

It was from a woman named Heather Hawkins and it was for a sale on her new website. Heather makes Handbags. “What’s so inspirational about that?” you may ask. Are her bags handcrafted by artisans in Madgascar or something? No. Not that I know of.

They are pretty leather handbags made in Los Angeles. And now she has added jewelry to her collection. Pretty impressive in it’s own right, but that’s not what inspired me.

Heather and I started our handbag businesses at the same time. I was in New York and she was in Ohio- or Idaho – or somewhere… We were email pen-pals. A different handbag designer had introduced us through email and we communicated regularly for a long while.

I was working in the handbag industry and started my company by working with factories in New York. And she was sewing hers by hand in her parents living room. I was selling in shops and boutiques. She was selling to her friends. I was using fancy leathers and custom made hardware. She was using denim and a glue gun… You can see where I’m going with this, I think.

And we met. She’d moved to Los Angeles. On a trip to find a west coast sales rep for my collection we met up. And she was nice. And after that, we kinda fell out of touch… not sure why, but that’s just the way things go, I guess.

That was 2003. By 2006 I was no longer doing my handbags. I’d had a quick, steady rise and hit my peak in 2005. Then, I stumbled, I took on a business partner that did more harm than good. I was burned out and tired and shut my business.

Meanwhile, I’d kept tabs on Heather Hawkin’s website. She was just going about her business… making her bags, selling her bags…. they were getting better, more sophisticated…. moving at a nice steady pace. A pace that seemed slooooow to me. A pace that would have left me wondering if it was worth it.

And life moved on. i got married, got a job, had babies… I pretty much forgot about Heather Hawkins.

And then I got the email. She’s having a sale on her new website. I am still on her mailing list. And she is still making handbags. And they’re beautiful. And not that my opinion counts for much, but I am impressed. And inspired.

I look at the MUCHNESS- my new passion, and sometimes feel frustrated or insecure about what I’m working towards. It means so, so much to me, and my goal is to share the idea that ANYONE can find their Muchness- their joy and individuality – work their way through some of the darkness of grief or sadness, through the little things and taking the time to count their blessings- even when their blessings take the form of pretty sparkly little baubles- but that email from Heather Hawkins reminded me that, unlike my handbags which I dove into full-force, head first, this is not a ‘business’ that I am building. It is a passion I am sharing with the world- or with 49 people. 🙂 And it can take me a year or 10 years, I won’t stop doing it, because I believe in it! I just gotta relax and stop rushing.

I think the same is true for actually Finding Your Muchness. It’s not a sprint. It’s a constant choice to look at things as an individual. To use your voice and not be scared. To wear what you like and feel confident. To allow yourself to grieve or be sad as much as you need to about the things that you need to, but don’t allow that sadness and grief to block all the joy you are entitled to in this world. And to do it at your own pace. As long as you’re moving, you’re moving forward.

And with that, I’m gonna share Heather’s Thanksgiving sale with you, just cuz. Maybe she’ll track her links back here and that would be embarrassing for me, since she doesn’t know I’ve written this and maybe barely remembers me at all, but whatever. If you buy something, let me know! It’ll make me smile! 😀

Thanksgiving Sale at www.shophh.com. 

Enter code THANKSGIVING at checkout for 40% off site-wide. 

Only valid through Monday November 28, 2011 so you must act fast!

 

Inspiration for a Thursday

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I found this image when I was 32 years old. I made it into a magnet that is on my fridge. Funny how you can look at something every day and yet forget it’s there.

I recently had to clean out my old work computer. I went through my photo library this morning and there it was. Just waiting to be looked at again with a fresh perspective and new eyes. I’ll be 35 in 13 days. But I think it still applies.

Keep your inspiration close by

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This is posted above the desk in my basement/ workroom where I assemble the Mychness Bands and get them ready to ship.
I’d love to revamp the space and make it more functional- and soon I will. But in the meantime, this keeps me going.
Today I found it especially appropriate. Just because my server failed, doesn’t mean I will!!!

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TOVA’S 30 DAYS OF MUCHNESS – ROUND 2 – DAY 25

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Nothing like the power of positive thinking to get you where you wanna be.

I was reading the ‘about’ on dooce.com. She’s a blogger who is able to support her family through her blog, and work with her husband and work from home and therefore spend more time with her kids.

I copied a paragraph she wrote and changed a few key elements.

Shrink. Print. Laminate. Keep in wallet to help me keep my eye on the prize.