If I’d never shared their names

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I want to share this poem I wrote a few weeks ago after the three year anniversary of our loss.

Sometimes I think back to my pre-loss opinions, that “stuff like this happens and you move on” and the foolish idea I had early on that we would basically “keep it to ourselves” …and then I look at where I am now, and wondered if maybe, at three years,  I’d be more “over it” if I’d followed conventional (old, faulty) thinking and just kept quiet and ‘put it behind me’…

That was my thought when I sat down to write this poem, which practically fell out of me. But oddly, the idea that that would have been a better way to deal with it, I honestly couldn’t even connect enough words to express that thought, because it is so unrealistic.

The poem isn’t perfect. I’m nobody’s poet. And it might have echoes of Dr. Seuss in it’s rhythms, but whatever.

If you like it and it means something to you, please let me know.

I wonder how it’d be different

I wonder how it’d be different if I hadn’t shared their names
If I’d kept them to myself and I hadn’t shared my pain
I wonder how it’d be different if I’d kept them to myself
If I’d hid all of my sorrow and I’d never asked for help.

Now at three years later would I still think of them daily
Would I see them in the little things
and hear their names in passing winds.

How would things be different If I’d never Shared their names?

Would the word “twins” make me cringe inside the way I do today.
Or would it be more obvious and would my tears betray
Or maybe it’d be different, I’d hardly think of them myself.
They’d be locked up safe inside of me if I’d never asked for help.

People would have forgotten, or they’d speak in whispered tone,
about the girl I once was, before my broken home.

At least this way I love them in the best way that I know.
To put my heart out on the line so maybe I can show
These losses they don’t disappear and there’s pain inside our hearts
And there’s no harm in acknowledging these slightly broken parts.

They make us strong, they make us proud they make us who we are.
They’re a symbol of the love we have and like a badge or scar
It is my choice to show the world this love I have inside
for the gift I have that changed my life, despite the tears I cried.

How would things be different If I’d never Shared their names?

-Tova Gold

Their Hand Painted Grave Markers.

Muchtastic ABC Chart – DIY – (And Day 22 of My Headshot Challenge! :) )

So here’s how it began, back in 2011,

I was in the dollar store, that place is like a 7th heaven.

I’m always finding stuff that others might see as trash,

For me it looks like tiles to redo my backsplash!

Sitting on a shelf looking really quite distressed

were these wooden cubes with photos, I was really not impressed.

But then I saw the sticker, it was 3 frames for one dollar!

“you cant just leave them here!” I heard my brain a’hollar

So I took a set of three, and put it in my cart,

but I couldn’t just stop there, had to listen to my heart.

So I took another set, then another and one more

And when I turned around, I had cleaned out the whole store!

So I brought my purchase home, and stacked them by the treadmill,

Where that sat, and sat , and sat.

(Clearly, the threadmill got no use either. But anyway…)

And then one day it hit me, just clear out of the blue

I would make an ABC chart that sparkled and was cute!

Glitter paper I selected that everyone would want

and by computer I designed it, it’s all about the font!

I printed out the letters, backwards and to size.

then spray mounted them to cardstock, and I can tell no lies-

that cutting it was tedious, I had to use a blade,

but in the end I love  it, though my fingertips were frayed.

The frames I put together with a staple gun and tape.

it held it all together and I’m pretty sure it’s safe.

I laid out all the colors and arranged them out just right,

did I mention when I did this it was always past midnight?

But finally it was complete, I will admit I’m proud.

Sharing it on my website is the closest to a crowd.

That I can show and ask “You like?” and hope to get some comments,

(I have nothing to rhyme with “comments” but am leaving it there anyway, hint hint.)

My kids they love it and they point and sing the ABC’s

And in the daytime all the glitter brings me to my knees. 🙂

So thanks for reading all about this project I completed.

If you wanna, I’d be happy, just to know it’s tweeted!



An Ode to my Jeffrey Campbell Shoes

Perhaps you remember my blog post,
about how I had discovered the most,
Muchy shoes on a website,
that made my heart delight,
J. Campbell of my town you’re the toast.

The shoes are gold and pretty,
with platforms that are witty.
Sarcastically high,
with stripes to the sky,
Increasing my view of the city!

The box, it was too big for flats,
with a cool chic who’s shirt sported cats.
I took them out and I cried,
these are cooler than I
had envisioned from pictures and stats!

I slid my feet inside,
and nervously I tried,
to tell myself
they fit so well.
But the truth is that I lied.

They kinda pinched my toes,
and that ankle strap, who knows?
I worry that it’s not secure,
and running for the  bus I’m sure,
my foot will twist,
I’ll lose my cool,
I’ll hit the ground,
feel like a fool.

If I’m going to return them,
I can’t test them out outside,
to see if on the pavement,
I’d fall upon on my hide.

I wonder if it’s a mistake
to keep these shoes–
but they look so great!

I also bought these others,
and they were much less pricey,
but it’s not the same,
though they’re far from lame,
they’re also much less dicey.

And so…

My question, dear reader, Do you think I should keep,
these shoes though they aren’t great friends with my feet?
You know how I love a Jeffrey Campbell shoe,
They make me feel fierce, I don’t know what to do!
Will I ever get used to the height of these stems,
As I did with these others, My makeover gems?

I’m not much of a poet,
just been reading Seuss,
to my daughter who certainly
loves all my shoes!

Let me hear what you think,
I look forward to know,
If in fact I should keep them,
Or if they must go.