September 2011 – Finding My Muchness

BTM vs. ATM (Before The Muchness Vs.After The Muchness)

Posted on September 23, 2011 by Tova

Originally posted by Tova September 23. 2011 / Reposted after The Great Server Crash of 2011

As I mentioned last night, I went to bed feeling fine and enjoying that moment while I had it. Because I woke up feeling not so fine. The 23rd. What a shitty day that was. That was the last day either of my girls lived inside of me. The day we said goodbye to Sunshine too. I look at the little ticker in the corner of this page: 1 year, 11 month, 4 weeks, 1 day. That’s lots of words. In two days, it will just say “2 years”…

I opened my iphoto this morning to go pull some pics of my newest Muchness bands to get them ready to put on the site and while scrolling through my photo library I got pulled into pictures of Elie’s 40th birthday party. It was in November of 2009. Less than 8 weeks after our loss. I’d decided that I couldn’t let his birthday pass without something and it was an excuse to create some joy and celebrate the things we did have. It was on a sunday night. It was supposed to be a surprise. We spent the day getting massages at a fancy spa near me. My boss had given me a very generous gift certificate after we lost the babies. It was a nice day. I remember the women who gave me the massage was chatty (for a masseuse) and somehow I mentioned that I was there as a gift because I’d lost identical twins recently. She told me she had a twin sister. I asked if they were identical. She replied “we used to be, but then my sister got fat.” …something about her stupidity struck me even more than her callousness.

But anyway, that’s not the point. We came home from the massage and our house was filled with friends and family. I have NEVER seen such a turn out to a party in my life. Nearly everyone who was invited made the effort to be there, and it was appreciated. I thought at the time it was pity. “Awww, poor Tova and Elie, after all they’ve been through, the least we could do is show up at this party they are hosting at a not terribly convenient time.” And maybe it was pity. It’s OK. I was glad they were there and I think they were glad to have something they could do to show support.

Oy! Again, Not the point!!! The point is, I saw this picture in my iphoto. This one and a few others from that day.

I looked at my eyes, my smile, Elie’s eyes. even Molly’s, and I started to shake, and then cry. That party, that was a good day. Maybe the first good day since the loss. But there is so, so much sadness there. so much grief. so much pain, hidden behind that smile and those eyes. I used to look at these pictures and think “These are bad pictures, I don’t look so good” but now I see it wasn’t the pictures, and it wasn’t how I ‘looked’ …. it was everything else.

I needed to get this out before I can get done the 100 things I have to do today. But I want to end on a happier note. Here is a picture I absolutely LOVE from this past summer. This picture is joy. With my sun and daisy necklace, my sparkly muchness band. Our honest smiles that go deep. It’s Muchness. It’s my family.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Jess September 23, 2011 at 11:16 am

Sending you love, Tova. I’m glad you have come so far….

judi September 23, 2011 at 11:29 am

you have a wonderful way with words, Tova. I felt the sadness and the joy all smushed together. much love from someone who “gets it”…

Yvette September 23, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Beautiful family! Beautiful MUCHNESS!

Jen September 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Tova, I am thinking about you today as you think about your little girls. What a wonderful way to honor them — with your words and, of course, this site!
I can see/feel the joy and light in the second picture.

Btw, how could it escape me that we share a day *your girls’ angel day and my girl’s edd*?

Tova September 23, 2011 at 11:09 pm: Jen- I didn’t know that either. Or maybe at the beginning of this journey I did? What a long, strange trip it’s….. continues to be…

REPLY

Julie September 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Hi Tova.
I didn’t realize that our dates were so close…I’m glad your rainbow joined you the next year..I had a second loss the year after, but my rainbow has finally come! Wish I had known last year about the Muchness movement. :0)
L’shana Tova!

Julie (another woman who gets it…)

Tova September 23, 2011 at 11:07 pm: Julie- you know about it now! Even I didn’t know about it last year!!! Welcome to our little corner of the internet and congrats on your rainbow!
xox

REPLY

TOVA’S MUCHNESS PIC OF THE DAY

Posted on September 19, 2011 by Tova

Originally posted by TOVA on SEPTEMBER 19, 2011 / Reposted after The Great Server Crash of ’11

We often hear that there is no word for a parent that loses a child. A child that loses a parent? Orphan. A woman that loses her husband? Widow. But a parent that loses a child? Best they’ve come up with in the english language is the term babyloss mom / dad / parent. When I type babyloss I get little red dotted line under it because my computer thinks there must be an error. There is an error. It’s called babyloss and it’s a problem far bigger than my computer can solve with a spellcheck button.

Tonight I learned that there is a word for it. A word for a woman that loses a child. Two years I have been a babyloss mom. And I never knew there was a word for it. The word is Mishakayla. It is hebrew. The hebrew language has a pre-existing word for us. It’s an acknowledgement of our status. I like it.

I also like that today my factory gave me a whoooole bunch of new Muchness bands that I’d been waiting for!!! New colors!! New prints!!! New Causes!!! I’m working on some stuff on www.FindingYourMuchness.com and as soon as it’s ready, I’m gonna have a MAJOR re-launch event!!! Stay tuned!!

Mishakayla written in Muchness Bands. Just seemed kinda appropriate!

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Tine September 20, 2011 at 12:47 am

I love it! And I can’t wait to order one
And really, how wonderful that there is a word for us

Tova September 20, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Tine- you can order one- I’ll be sending out a few on Friday so if u make it in under the buzzer…..

JenM September 20, 2011 at 9:13 am

One thing that I found is that there’s a special word for a woman who has given birth to twins- gemellipara. I like it because it doesn’t say anything about parenting twins, and it makes me feel special because no one can argue with the fact that I have given birth to twins.

Tova September 20, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Wow- I never knew that. I love it!!! That english word might be more difficult to pronounce than the hebrew one! haha

Heather September 20, 2011 at 10:14 am

Oh i love this….i have always stumbled on the word babyloss for the reasons you posted. is this pronounced Mish-uh-kay-lah or Mish-uh-kai-luh? great post. great use of the muchness bands. xoxo

Tova September 20, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Heather- The first one… I was planning to do this with the word MUCHNESS for a Muchness Madness Post…I just didn’t have enough bands in stock. Now I can do it!

LellowOne September 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Ilove all the colors and I love that word. It sounds soft and stronger the same time. Can’t wait to order mine!

TOVAS Muchness pic of the day

Posted on September 9, 2011 by Tova

Feeling much muchier today than I was yesterday!
Yay sparkly leggings and shoelaces!!!

And I think last night I decided I need a pair of leather pants. Nothing says “bad mood- don’t you dare mess with me today!” like a pair of leather pants can. I think if I could fund (typo- and I’m keeping it. ) a pair that fit well and are comfortable, I’d wear them all winter.
That’s something you have to try on which means I’d have to find them in person, not online. And, I want them to be metallic leather. What’re the chances of finding that??

I guess I’ll just be Muchness hunting this weekend…

Heading to Asia

Posted on September 8, 2011 by Tova

…I wish. As we head into fall I feel compelled to share that I have nothing to wear. Now, I don’t want to sound materialistic (though I am) and I do have a closet full of pieces of fabric sewn into various types of apparel, but overall, I have nothing to wear. In fact, I think it’s time to do a much needed closet clean out so I can see how little I have to wear.
Because for the last three winters, I’ve been pregnant. Or postpartum. Or trying to get pregnant. Or all three at the same time.
What I haven’t been is Muchy. But more importantly, (i think- for the purposes of clothes shopping) what I haven’t been is my actual size.
All summer I wore 2 pairs of shorts and a handful of Muchy tops and shoes. Eventually I stopped photographing my daily Muchness because if I had to keep that up and keep it interesting I would have gone broke.
So now, as the weather turns to crap and I look through my closet for something Muchy to wear, I’m coming up short. I’ve got a few things I bought at the end of last spring, when I started the Muchness, but one sequin jacket and a pair of leggings will only take me so far.
Here’s the problem. I can not find Muchness for fall.
According to Asian fashion trends, sequins and shine should be everywhere for fall. But according to my NY usual Muchness finding success stores- nada. Target was, without question, the most disappointing spot of all.
Not ONE piece of Muchness in their whole women’s apparel section!!!! Even more disappointing, as I scanned the section EVERYTHING was bland and depressing. Dreary grays. Muddy browns. Muted blues. Blah blah and more blah. It- with no exaggeration- gave me a stomach ache.
I told Elie last night that I am gonna be going Muchness hunting. I will not spend too much money. I will not splurge on something I’ll wear twice. And I will not buy anything unless it is truly, throughly happy-making Muchness. Because truthfully, I’m feeling kinda down. And nothing can immediately fix a problem like that as well as a colorful, sexy, sparkly, comfortable pair of platforms can.
(for the record, today I’m wearing a black hoody and flats to work for the first time in six months. It only reenforces what a crap magnet I feel like. Between that, the rain, the fact that I am standing on a bus stuck in standstill traffic- damn. It almost feels as crappy as 2009. This is a very slippery slope.) I’m already 45 minutes late for work. I may just swing by one of my other Muchness hunting spots on the way to the office and cross my fingers they have something fuschia and happy. And cheap.

What I want to feel like today

What I do feel like today.

Tova’s Muchness pic of the day

Posted on September 7, 2011 by Tova

If only seeing the world through rose colored “glasses” was as easy for adults!!!

Labor Day Muchness for the Muchkins

Posted on September 5, 2011 by Tova

Sarah, of the challenge has been babysitting my girls during their week off from school. They’ve been having such am amazing time with her making Muchy crafty fun that Elie and I decided to have her come today so we could get out and work on Muchness together!
Check out Molly, the Muchness monster from last week!!
Can’t wait to see what we come home to today!

Where is the Muchness?

Posted on September 3, 2011 by Tova

I haven’t written too much lately. It’s not that I have nothing to write about, it’s that I feel a little overwhelmed. There is so much I want to do – so many places I want to take The Muchness Movement, and so little time in which to do it. Today is September ~~2nd.~~ 3rd. It’s 12:15 in the morning. I’d been thinking about this post for a few days, and planned to post it in September 1st. September. That’s the month. If you check out the little ticker in the left hand corner, It’s getting close. Just 22 days away. 22 days and it will be two years since we said goodbye to Sunshine & Daisy. Two years since I (unknowingly) said goodbye to my old life and started building the one I have now. I still miss them. I’ll always miss them. My arms still ache to hold them. I still wonder what they would have looked like. What they would have smelled like. How it would have felt to have two identical looking babies look up at me, smiling.

I only see them in my mind as babies. I know some babyloss moms are different. They envision what their baby may have looked like as they got older. I don’t know. Maybe I do that too. I look at babies that are close to their age but I don’t imagine them that way. They’d have been premies. They’d have been smaller. There are just too many unknowns for me to make an accurate picture in my mind, so I avoid doing it.

I realized that I started this Muchness project in April. The twins were conceived in April. They lived for almost 24 weeks inside me. And here we are, three weeks away. Once I realized what The Muchness was capable of, I made it my personal goal to grow this project to really huge proportions by September 25th. I regret that I have not been as single-minded and focused as I wanted to be, and now the anniversary is looming and I’m feeling overwhelmed by all I want to do.

So, I’ve decided to take my to-do list ‘public’ and post it on this site. If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last 2 years…. well, then that would be pretty sad because I’ve learned about a million things I never knew (back when I thought I was so smart, ironically) Anyhow, I know that when I put my feelings out there, it helps me move through them. When I share them with others, it helps me to stop swallowing them whole because they can just choke you. So, ~~I’ve made a list.~~ I’ve started a list. I’m even having a hard time finishing the list, let alone the things on it. Fabulous.

22 days to make a dent in the list and enlarge the Muchness Movement footprint. Molly and Liat are amazing little girls who will undoubtedly make their mark on this world. I want to pass on to them the inspiration and strength that their sisters taught me. That is Sunshine & Daisy’s gift to our family, and to any other individual or family that is affected by The Muchness. Their bodies may not have lived outside my body but their spirit does. I believe it is my responsibility to make this their legacy. God, that sounds so melodramatic. I almost deleted it. But I didn’t. Because I believe it. (and besides, The Muchy Tova is nothing if not dramatic 😉 )

September 1st, 2009. Our ultrasound tech, Sureka, said the babies were looking really good that day, so against standard protocol, she pulled out the 3-D ultrasound wand and took some pictures for us of our beautiful, healthy, identical looking babies. What a gift those pictures were then. And even more so now.

Sunshine & Daisy. Forever Missed & Always In Our Hearts.