Tova’s Blog

I have a picture of my family that I wanted to post on Facebook tonight but I hesitated. A lot. Something inside me kept gnawing at my gut telling me not to post it, and I couldn’t figure out what it is.

And then, I was on facebook, reading through my feed and I saw a post on a page from a baby loss mom, and it read, in part: “I have a confession to make. Today I had a really horrible, horrific, really bad day. Today my husband had to do EVERYTHING with our kids because I couldn’t get out of bed, because I couldn’t stop sobbing all. day. long…. and yes, even five years later, they {days of unstoppable tears} still happen to me, and they still knock the shit out of me….So when (or if) you’re ever fed up with everyone’s seemingly peppy, perfect Facebook versions of their lives, please drop by here to remind yourself that someone else in the world is living real life, a really hard life, and is desperately trying to make the best damn lemonade possible out of rotting lemons.”

I cried as I read the post, because I can relate. and though haven’t had one of those days in a long, long time, sometimes I think I need one, want one- but I don’t take one. – Actually, that’s not true. I took one a few months back, and it was the best use of a day I could imagine.  Those darkest days of grief are the ones that teach me to allow myself to just be. Be who I am. Be where I am. Living in the present and accepting my feelings for whatever they are- the good, the bad, the ugly.

I remember, clearly, scrolling through facebook and reading those posts from people with their “peppy, perfect facebook versions of their lives.” Honestly, it annoyed the living shit out of me. I’d go through my feed and want to physically kick people who looked all happy and blissfully ignorant of the pain and torment that others’ were simultaneously experiencing. I blocked people from my feed when their messages were too cheerful. I blocked them when their pregnancy pictures became unbearable. I responded bitterly when they posted about God and how great and amazing and loving he is, and then I blocked those people too.

All that crap just made me feel worse.

There were days I wanted to reach through the computer screen and scratch peoples eyes out …I’m just keeping it real, Yo. 

But here I am, four years later. Posting cheerful shit on facebook.

Sometimes I worry that what I post, my little Muchness Moments, which are intended to bring a smile to someone’s face, are actually breaking someone’s heart. I worry that my cheerful positivity is annoying the shit out of someone who has every right to be sitting in their pain and self-pity.

But the fact is, finding those little moments and sharing them, that is my version of making lemonade out of rotting lemons. And sharing it with other people, that just makes the good stuff better.

What I realized is that I didn’t want to post that picture of my family and worry that a “peppy perfect facebook version of my life” would mislead someone into thinking that my life is so perfect, or that it’s not “real” or that it’s not hard. I didn’t want to make someone else feel bad- or worse- about their life, just by posting a picture of mine. And so despite wanting to share the picture, I didn’t post it.

(Sidenote: I’d also like to think that life doesn’t HAVE to be “hard” to be meaningful. That seems to be a pre-requisite of sorts- like one should have to apologize for NOT having it too hard…. hmmm… I think I definitely fall into that trap… maybe a post for another day…)

I’m still not sure if that was the “right” move or not. Part of me feels sad that I feel that way and the other part of me is grateful for the empathy I now have to understand that perspective.

I just want to tell you that no matter what you see on facebook, or what you believe you see there, your world is just as beautiful- sometimes beauty just hides in the shadows.  Everyone struggles and everyone has their own plight to get through. It is easy to sit back and draw conclusions about other people based in the snippits they share publicly. Be where you are and focus on your blessings and small joys. That’s the way to find your own Muchness Moments… and never compare your insides to anyone else’s outsides.

It just doesn’t do anybody any good.

I’m curious: How Does Your Facebook Face compare to your reality?  Do you think you share the good, the bad and the ugly, or do you paint a picture very different from your actual life? 

At the local pool recently, a young girl of about 9 or 10 started chatting with my five year old daughter, Molly. They were both wearing cornrows in their hair and the girl mentioned it excitedly to her mom.

Then she set her sights on me and said “I like your pink hair.”

“Thank You!” I replied. I get that compliment a lot…. usually at daycare and around other random people’s children. 🙂

The mom turned to me and said “She has a friend who is always talking about wanting to dye her hair pink.” and then the daughter interjected “yeah, but her mom won’t let her.”

So I said “Yup, well, being able to dye your hair pink is just one of the perks of being a mom!”

and the mom looked at me funny…so I continued “…without having to ask permission.”

And she still looked at me funny, and we parted ways.

And then I started thinking about it. Seriously, as adults, we (generally) shouldn’t have to ask permission to do the stuff that we may have wanted to do as kids, but suddenly we feel like we have to ask some unknown, non-existent entity permission. WHY?

For months before I dyed my hair I talked about dying my hair. I wanted to gauge people’s reactions…. and everyone had one.

I was told it was childish. I was told it was a cry for attention. I was told that people would think I was ‘sleazy” or judge me harshly. I was looked at sideways and with concern by people who cared about me. I was asked would I keep it pink if I dyed it and my husband truly hated it.

And I tried to answer all those questions. I tried to debate them, negate them, consider them. I took it all very much to heart.

And as long as my brain was moving through those thoughts, thoughts that were conceived in other people’s brains and implanted in mine, I didn’t dye my hair.

Until, one random day, I just said to myself ‘Eff it.- I wanna look in the mirror and see myself with pink hair.” And ya know what I did? I dyed my hair.

And the heavens fell to the earth.

NO.

Absolutely nothing happened. My five year old told me it was pretty. My two year old reached out to touch it like it was a foreign object, told me she didn’t like it and promptly forgot it was ever anything other than pink. And everyone else? They all just concluded I was an immature, insecure hussy. Maybe.

Or maybe they really didn’t care.

Maybe their opinions only existed when they were based on the idea that they were entitled to have an opinion. Once I stopped caring about their opinions, I dyed my hair pink. And once my hair was pink and I liked it, their opinions suddenly became invalid, and they knew it.

Don’t look at this picture and  tell me the color of my hair is what determines what kind of human being I am. Thank You Very Much!

What’s my point?

Don’t let other people’s voices inundate your brain. If you’re currently trying to process something that has to do with YOU and YOU alone, don’t let other people decide it has to do with them. Those voices only have any volume when we allow them to. You are an adult (presumably. If not, you’re in the wrong place, kiddo). You don’t need others’ permission to do things- certainly not things that your 14 year old self would have loved to do.

I recently caught a glimpse of my jdate profile from the era when I snagged my hubby. (Yes- we are an internet dating success story) In it I’d written that I like to dye my hair different colors, but that it had only been “socially acceptable” colors for the last few years.

WTF was I thinking?  Reading that made me kinda wanna gag at the muchlessness of it. Socially acceptable…. whatever.

…I was, however, very proud to read this gem that I’d written about my ideal man: “He should worship the ground I walk on, but only after I’ve proven myself worthy.”

I’ll give myself an A+ in that department, Thank You Very Much….

Go out and be Muchtastic people!!!!