Category: TOVAS BLOG

Happy For October

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September was not the best month. I don’t know why, for the second year in row, I thought September would be easier than it was. This year, Beryl and I created the Photography Challenge and as exciting as it was, I fell off the Muchness wagon. And I let myself fall off. I just needed the time. But I feel bad, because I feel a responsibility to you to be all Muchness, all the time…and I’m just not. Sometimes The Muchness is Loud and Proud and it makes my insides ignite with joy, and sometimes it’s just a whisper, keeping me inspired and knowing that tomorrow will get better.

Lots of changes in my life happened in September, which is another reason I’ve been a little MIA. I’ll be going into detail a bit later- Maybe in tomorrows post. I miss posting on a regular basis. I miss keeping track of my Muchness Moments. The jewish Holidays this year have been a bit overwhelming, taking up so much time, an my head has been 1000 other places. Beyond Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur- the majors, we still have Succot– which we are in the middle of and lasts a week.

My husbands brother lives in Israel and has four kids- three girls and a boy. Molly and Liat see them so infrequently but are totally obsessed with them. Between them and the other kids in the family, my in-laws house has been overloaded with young cousins. Watching my girls play with their cousins has been awesome. Molly just lights up around other kids (at least ones that she can kinda boss around.) Watching her shine has been my Muchness Moments of late.

Three of my sister-in-laws are also expecting right now. Last night Molly asked me if we can have another baby, like they are and honestly, I told her no. And it didn’t really hurt. Progress.

 

Three Years ago today we said goodbye

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September 25, 2009. Three years ago today, we said goodbye to our twin girls, forever nicknamed Sunshine & Daisy. At the depths of my grief lived a fear that my baby girls would be forgotten. That their short lives and their death inside of me would be a loss without meaning. But now, I know that is not the case. In their honor and memory I’ve shared their story with medical students who might one day find themselves faced with a patient in my shoes. I’ve shared my regrets with my own doctor, so perhaps a future loss mom will get the handprints and footprints I wish I’d have asked for. I’ve shared information and support with other pregnant twin mothers to help make sure they receive the care they need. I’ve opened others’ eyes and raised awareness about TTTS, which kills too, too many babies every year- many due to lack of information and knowledge about this disease. I’ve created a TTTS grief support group for other parents whose babies have been stolen from them by this monster, giving them a safe place to share their babies and their sadness and grief and know they’re not alone.
And I’ve helped women heal. Discovering The Muchness was my girls’ gift to me. It is a project that uses all that is the best in me to help me help others find the best in them. It is what helped me see my pain as a blessing, my loss as a gift and my future as a happy, love-(and-sparkle)-filled place I proactively want to build with my family.
I know now that my girls won’t be forgotten. They live on in me, in their dad and sisters, and in every person that has been touched by the projects they’ve given me the strength to create and share.
On the first anniversary of their loss, a few weeks before Liat was born, I created this memorial video in their honor. At that point I did it for me and planned to share it with just a handful of people, but when it was complete I couldn’t just keep my girls to myself. I shared it with just about everyone who mattered to me. At the time it was about 60 people. But my heart has grown and now anyone in this community who is touched by my words matters to me, and I’m sharing it again.


Thank you for reading, for watching, and for joining me on this journey.

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Where the hell have I been? LOST.

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You may have noticed that I’ve been MIA recently. I’ve felt bad about it and my first inclination is to sugarcoat it with all the cool, fun and exciting things I’ve been doing, but that would (mostly) be a lie. Though I have been doing cool, fun and exciting things, mostly, what I’ve been doing is vegging out in front of the TV and watching a LOST marathon with Elie. All six seasons. That shit is addictive. And by season 4, it really was pretty much shit. But now I’m hooked, like an addict and I can’t stop till we complete all 6 seasons. When it first aired in 2004 I didn’t even notice. I was elbow deep in the handbag business I’d started in 2002. TV was low on my priority list as I poured my passion, full time, into that endeavor. For your viewing pleasure, this is a snapshot from my catalog from that era:

No, you’re eyes are not playing tricks on you. I was wearing braces. I was in my 20’s and thought I could change the world with a handbag (my handbags kicked ass— with a business course or two, I probably could have.) Even the fact that I was wearing braces didn’t slow me down. I was at the peak of my Muchness and almost nothing could  rattle me. (’till I got screwed over by a large handbag company… we’ll save that story for another time…)

Anyway, I’ve gotten off course. This week, the week between the holidays of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur is the week that 3 years ago we went from “Yay! We’re almost at 24 weeks and things are looking good!” to “How is it possible I am no longer pregnant and I can’t even begin to comprehend what just happened.” My point? This is a rough week. So I’ve been laying low watching hour after hour after hour of LOST with Elie and counting it as bonding time. And frankly, we’ve bonded. Just last night he whopped me over the head with a pillow while (mostly) trying to exterminate the loudest, most annoying housefly in the history of all man-kind. Hard to explain how and why this was funny, but we were both laughing till tears ran down our faces, so thats a Win in my book.

As the calendar draws closer to Tuesday, September 25th, the day we said goodbye to our girls, I’m just going to allow myself to do what feels right. But after that, I’ve got plans. Because something else has been going on. Something Big. I’m not ready to spill the beans publicly just yet, but it is something that I am hoping will justify the absurd amount of hours I’ve been watching of this LOST marathon and put TV back on the bottom of my priority list, like it was when I was elbow deep following my passion and my Muchness was in full, full-time effect…

Summer Muchness- The unexpected side effects.

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I feel like I haven’t posted here in so long. Whenever I go for a streak without posting I get all up in my head, wondering if it’s cuz I’m losing touch with The Muchness, but in reality, I’ve just been so busy! I have been meaning to share so many Muchness Moments that happened this summer but I can’t seem to find the time, between, ya know, MAKING Muchness Moments and um, sleeping. and also, my computer died. That was a drama. Now, it’s mostly all fixed. Mostly.

But anyway, I wanted to share with you two things that I did this summer in the name of Muchness. Things I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to do. Things I would NOT have done in years past. Behold- Two Muchness Highlights of my summer:

Me, jumping as high as I can at a trampoline Center.

What to me, is most compelling about this picture is what is NOT in the picture. That would be all the other moms, sitting on the benches with their shoes on checking their phones. Pre-muchness, ya know who would have been on the bench next to them? Yes! That’s right! Yours truly!

This next one is even better, because this is something I haven’t done since, um, Maybe sometime in the 1980’s. No Kidding.

Yes- That is a diving board, and yes, that is me jumping off of it.

Why am I showing you this stuff? Because pre-muchness, there was no muchy little elf sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear “Go on, do it! Who cares what those other people think? Who cares that only teenage boys are jumping off the diving board? Who cares that all the other moms are sitting around the edge hanging their feet in the pool? Who cares if water shoots up your nose and the water is cold and you flop on your ass? Go for it! I dare you! Be Muchtastic!”…. but that is what The Muchness has brought to my life. I’ve spent the summer pushing myself to enjoy the days. I’ll admit there were some that overwhelmed me, and I even spent a bit of this summer wearing unmuchy flats… But overall, the side effects of The Muchness were really visible in my days. As we head into the Muchness meets photography Challenge I am excited not only to share it wuth others but also to participate myself. I want to get back to blogging my Muchness Moments, Daily. Because when I look, I see them, and when I see them, they multiply… I’m thinking next year? Parasailing. Ha!

 

Musings on stress, and other thoughts that always pivot back to babyloss.

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For some reason, today, I just can’t concentrate. I’m sitting at my desk and my brain keeps inserting me into this scene I have cemented in my brain. It was a beautiful day – September 23, 2009 and Elie and I were sitting on the grass outside the hospital. Daisy was already gone and we knew we’d be losing Sunshine. We were so calm, the two of us- in shock, I realize now.
Sometimes, when I feel stressed, my brain just goes there. Or it just plops me in the middle of that hospital- the waiting room, the ultrasound room, the hallways. I don’t even have to be thinking of the girls, it just happens- a split second where I’m working or online and then -boom- my brain is there. It’s almost like a flashback and it is as strong and clear as if I was just there yesterday. I’ve never experienced that sensation about anything else. I hate it.
After the twins died, stress and I developed a new understanding. Stress was no longer welcome. I had two dead babies. Mundane stress couldn’t hold a candle to that. For about 2 years it worked. But somehow I feel like it’s catching up to me. I think this because of the frequency with which my brain is dropping me into these scenes from the past. The moments that I lived through so they could shape me into a better person.

I feel like I’m not making certain choices in my personal life that honor the enormity of those changes. I’m standing in my own way and I don’t know why.

I do know why. Fear.

Yuck.

I lived through the death of my babies. That is like, a human beings worst fear, realized. I am strong and so capable. So why am I letting myself be limited by fear?

My mother was widowed at 35 years old- my age now, with 5 children, 3 of them under 7 years old, and her mother survived the holocaust. I mean, really. And that’s just one side of my family. I come from a long line of incredibly strong, powerful women.
I need to stop my belly aching and get my shit together to make proactive, fearless, smart choices.

This is me. Putting this out there for who the hell knows who to read. I’m gonna hold myself accountable. Please, somebody, kick my ass if I don’t.

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KC Bakers School for the Well Spoken Woman

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Last night I volunteered to work at this event created by KC Bakers School for the Well Spoken Woman.
I thought it would be empowering and inspiring to hear women speak about that which empowers them. And I was right. It would be. If I was in the auditorium listening. Which for most of the night I wasn’t. I volunteered for door duty. That meant I was the muscle making sure people didnt come and go in the middle of the speeches.
But that was ok. Because I was inspired anyway… By the women who joined me in the hallway. And by the women I did get to see-
The recipient of their “thought leader of the year” award was Regina Thomashauer.

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You may know her as Mama Gena and she is inspiring thousands upon thousands of women to live their dreams and find their passion. She is so high energy- so self confident- living in such a way that celebrates her womanhood that you can’t help but be infected by her passion.
So, ya know what I did? I introduced myself to her, twice. And I told her my story. And about The MUCHNESS. And she gave me a tremendous hug and told me to keep doing what I’m doing. I told her I have no choice. This is my calling.
And then, I went over to KC Baker. She founded and hosts the event. I’d been in touch with her “people” in advance and knew that she’d been to this site and loved the MUCHNESS Bands. So, after introducing myself and showing her my band, I actually gave it to her.

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The quote inside was “It’s time to start living the life you’ve imagined.” – which is basically the message of her classes.
And besides, it, like, totally matched her outfit!
I am on this MUCHNESS finding journey and somedays I feel empowered and some days I feel confused and lost. But it’s women like this who remind me that it’s ok to feel whatever I feel and just allow those feelings to be my guide and be my fuel. I remember that I don’t have to know the path laid out before me. I just need to put on foot in front of the other and the path will form. And it is my goal to use my voice to take what i learn from inspiring women and share it with you and learn it with you.
I look forward to doing more of that.

Muchness Meets Photography- A Group Challenge event!!

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Ya know what my goal is? To help you find your Muchness. That’s pretty much it. For Real. And how am I gonna do it? Any damn way I can. Why? Because I LOVE doing this.
I Love connecting with Muchness Seekers and helping them tap into the Muchness that is lying dormant inside them. I love it. It fills me with Muchness. True story. The end.

OK- here’s the deal- I have been in the process of creating a whole bunch of stuff for the site that I think you’re really gonna love. Stuff that’s gonna inspire you and help you tap into your Muchness in so. many. ways.
And the first thing on the agenda is getting me so pumped I’m actually bouncing in my seat.

About a month ago I met a woman, Beryl Ayn Young, on one of my baby loss support boards. She lost her daughter Bella the very same month we lost our twins, in September 2009. As part of her journey through grief and healing, she picked up a camera and started using it as a tool through which to see light and joy again… Essentially, Beryl found her Muchness through photography! And then, she started to share it with others- baby loss moms and other women searching for healing and joy and a creative way to express themselves.

Now, almost 3 years later, Beryl and I found each other. In an even more muchtastic twist, Beryl is also enrolled in Bschool because she too wants to share the joy and light and creativity she’s found with the world! Clearly, we had a whole lot to talk about.

I recently wrote a guest post for her site, and she’ll be posting one here in the near future so you can get to know here a bit better, but in the meantime, here’s what we’ve cooked up:
For the month of September, Beryl and I are going to combine our passions and host a 30 Day Muchness meets Photography Group Challenge on FindingMyMuchness.com!! It’ll offer you inspirational Muchness + helpful photography tips + constant support and creative ideas to help you make the most of your 30 Day Challenge and reconnect with Your Unique Muchness! It’s going to be a really incredible journey… and it starts with a FREE, LIVE Virtual Event!! (OK- I won’t lie- that “Virtual Event” word totally intimidates me both as a host and as a participant, but Beryl’s done tons of them and swears they are easy to participate in and a total online party… so, obviously, I am totally in— and so is my cocktail… and I hope, so are you and yours!! :))
To participate in this entirely free event (and maybe even get some free Muchness swag at the end, because, ya know, I love to share the Muchness…) all you gotta do is sign upand let us know you wanna participate! Yup! That’s it! Anyone can join! No matter where on your MuchnessSeeking journey you are, there is always more Muchness to be captured.We’ll email you the info for the August 28 event and during that live party explain how simple it is to set up your Muchness Blog on your computer- and even from your smart phone- so you can easily participate in the challenge. We’ll also offer some great “Theme” ideas to get you going, or, help you cultivate a theme that is uniquely and Muchtastically YOU! There’ll be some photo tips and other secret muchy stuff that I can’t tell you about just yet.. but trust me, if you’ve even considered taking the Muchness Challenge, now is the time to do it.
Yay!!! So psyched!
See ya on the sign-up form!!

Muchness Challenge, Day 2!

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I have an invention. It’s a top secret idea for a product you didn’t know you couldn’t live without. I’d tell you about it but then I’d have to … well, let’s just say, I’m not gonna tell you about it. I’ve been procrastinating / too busy to make it to the hardware store to buy the raw materials I need to make some sorta prototype. That is an example of me standing in my own way of my destiny. No More. This morning, after buying my coffee in my regular spot, I looked through the windshield of my car and saw a hardware store that I’ve always known was there, but never, in the 4 years I’ve lived in my house, have walked into.

So today, I walked into the store.

An older gentleman asked me if I needed help and I explained what things I thought I was looking for. I told him I had an idea for an invention and wanted to make a prototype. He said that he was an inventor too- of toys. I said I TOO was a toy inventor! I have a degree in toy design and spent my first two years out of school working at an inventing company.

We got to chatting and he said he’d spent much of his life in advertising. I said my dad spent much of his life in advertising too! When I was a kid he’d written all the commercials for General Mills Cereals (like the famous “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for Kids” and “Kookoo for Cocoa Puffs“) He said he’d written the stuff for Booberry and I said that I actually grew up with a framed cartoon animation cell of Booberry on my bedroom wall! And then I said “Do you know my dad?” thinking “what’re the chances?” … HE SAT NEXT TO HIM FOR 3 YEARS 30 YEARS AGO…. What ARE the chances??? He even said my dad’s name popped into his head a couple days ago as he wondered about the people from his past. KARAYZEE. I took this as a sign that the universe was working in sync with me and I NEED to prototype this concept ASAP.

I came home in a great mood and found my Advanced Review Copy Of Happier at Home. This is Gretchen Rubin -Bestselling Author of The Happiness Project’s – next book that is due to be released in September! I got a copy to review and share with you, my fabulous readers, her muchtastic ideas for living happier at home!! I can’t WAIT to read it and let you know what I think!

Today’s Muchness Pic- Me with the book!

How’s that for a headshot?

I already think I’m gonna love this book… I took a pic of it in front of my Muchy door and It matches my house. 🙂

Not a Muchy Post.

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Tonight I feel like I stepped in a big steaming pile of …. insecuriity.

Is it just me? Right when I feel like I’m getting myself together, my ideas are strong, my self-doubt, shelved and under control, something comes along to knock me over sideways. The worst part, it’s stuff that SHOULD be inspiring and empowering. I came across a beautifully designed website that is empowering and full of light and Muchness— helping people, putting good into the world… and what i wanted to do was send the founder an email and introduce myself and say “I think what you’re doing is great – I’d love to make a Muchness Band that supports your cause!” but instead I did what was easier and less muchtastic. I started comparing my site to hers. Hers is more polished. Hers is more organized. She’s accomplished so much more than I have. She must be more …something… than I am. Her traffic must be higher, she has so many ideas, her graphics are great, she’s following her dream, she’s accomplishing stuff, and I’m just taking pictures of my feet.

WHY DO WE DO THAT TO OURSELVES???

Ya know, I already recognize that routine within myself. Its happened before and I wish I didn’t do it. I find a site that leaves me inclined to compare. And I get up from my computer feeling ok and excited that I too am working on something meaningful and powerful and true to my heart and then 3 minutes later my belly is in knots and I’m telling Elie about the site I saw that was so good and now I have to change so-and-so or update something… and I know it’s just a form of self-sabotage and I’d be much more muchtastic and probably pleasantly surprised if I did just send the complimentary email that is sincere… but tonight, I didn’t.

I followed up my “whoa is me, I feel insecure” moment with a trip to Target to buy a bathing suit for our florida vacation.

If you are still reading this sob-story of pathetic self-doubt, let me leave you with one very, very important piece of advice. When you are already feeling kinda insecure and shitty, the ABSOLUTE worst idea is to haul your tired, bloated, pasty white ass into a fluorescent lit Target dressing room to try on ill-fitting bathing suits.  Seriously.

After that, even the sequin covered picture frames left me feeling pouty and too depressed to take a picture of them. I got nothin’. Nothing colorful and eye catching to accompany this post. So here’s Florida. Yay for vacation!!

Anyway, please make me feel a little less lame about feeling so insecure. It’s not just me, right?

…Uch… I’m even feeling insecure about hitting “publish” on this pathetic confessional.