Author: Tova

Tova’s Muchness Challenge – Day 26!!! You still with me?

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“Buy one pair  I’ll give you another pair for FREE!!”

Dude on the street musta yelled that 40,000 times today. And yesterday, and the day before that. And I pass this dude on the street, every day. It’s possible I’ve passed him every day for years. But I’ve never noticed. looking at his ghost town of a table, no one else did either.

Today, as I dashed out of work to grab some lunch I found myself waiting for the light to change and he was, like, all up in my ear. And right next to him in my ear was my brain with a little voice that said “Oh- remember? Liat spent 15 minutes the other day bashing your sunglasses against the pavement and now they’re more scratched up than a Real NJ Housewife after a catfight. Go look. Even if they’re ugly, you can muchify em.”

So I looked, And they weren’t ugly. So I asked, “How much?” and he replied “$10 a pair….. but you get one free so that comes out to $5 a pair.”

$5 a pair? That’s it? That’s half the price of the sushi I am about to go buy and that’ll be gone in 58 seconds!

I gave the guy a piece of advice: “You really should be yelling $5 a pair or 2 for $10.”

He looked at me funny and called out “Buy one pair and I’ll give you another pair for free!”

…. I guess he didn’t like my advice. Though seriously, If I knew the dude across the street from my office was selling $5 sunglasses, I’d be buying sunglasses like, at least once a week. But I guess he didn’t learn his sales techniques at Wharton Business School.

Anyhow, I needed to make up for lost sunglasses buying opportunities and purchased two pairs, for $10 each. And then I got 2 more pairs. For free. :-

Tova’s Muchness Challenge – Day 25- It’s Not a Headshot!!!

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Y’all know what my face looks like already. Today- no headshot. It’s something else I wanted to share with you.

I bought a groupon for some laser hair removal! I know! That is exactly what you were expecting to hear, right?!? I can see that bewildered look on your face… And now you’re wondering if I’m gonna do a 30 day laser hair removal challenge. Rest easy my friend, I will not.

I likely would not have thought about going for Laser Hair removal but I bought the groupon cuz it was a good deal, and the thought of never shaving my armpits again also seemed like a good deal. So today I went.

Turns out, the laser hair removal doctors office was in the very same building as the grief counselor I saw after I lost the twins. I didn’t see her for very long, since I found that, for me, sharing my feelings with other baby loss moms online was really the best therapy, but the few times I saw her were definitely helpful. Just having a place to say some of the things I needed to say out loud, being able to spill my guts to a stranger and not feel judged or like it made them uncomfortable to hear someone talk about their dead babies was incredibly helpful. She also left me with some insights that have stayed with me- particularly the concept of shadow sadness that can follow you, popping up when you don’t necessarily consciously expect it, just casting it’s darkness over you.  Recognizing it when it arrives has, so many times, helped me move through it without getting too buried underneath it.

Anyway, I’ve thought a few times about reaching out to her and sharing this community with her, but honestly, I didn’t think I’d actually ever do it.

But there I was, underarms burning like a mofo, I sat on the stairs and wrote her a note and included my hot-off-the-printing-press business card.

I slid the note through the mailbox of her darkened office, and I assume she’ll get it sometime tomorrow… and then visit the site…. and then read what I am writing… now… as I write it… so…. Hey Dr. K! 🙂

No good post title for a good day

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I wanted to write about today.

I felt like the twins were visiting all day… and now, into the night.

OMG. weird.

This morning I woke up invigorated.

I took Liat for a walk to the coffee shop. In the coffee shop sat a dude I’d never seen before- except yesterday. He was there yesterday. And he’d talked to me about his dog. Today I saw him and said Good Morning. He was wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter. The character who first spoke of Muchness. hmmm…

We walked home. We live on a quiet dead end street where we always see and usually know everyone who walks by. As I got closer to my house I saw two women walking. One pushed a stroller and the other was accompanied by her twin daughters. I know those girls. They don’t know me. Those girls make my heart palpitate. The summer after I lost our twins, those twins, who live around the corner from us, went on a daily walk with their nanny at the exact time I’d leave to go get Molly from Daycare. Every day. Those little girls- maybe 1 year olds at the time, would accost me with their presence. Strolling down the street together, holding hands with their blond hair bouncing in the sunlight, while my twins lay in their graves. God, how I hated those twins. And there they were, now 4 years old, standing in front of my house admiring the hot pink flamingos on my front lawn.

I said Hi to their mother, introduced myself. I chatted with the girls, about their sparkly Toms Shoes. I realized, for the first time, they they are not identical, which helped a lot. I also realize I don’t hate them. I mean, really.

Liat and I went to the backyard where she and Molly were blowing bubbles. I was pulling the weeds out from between the pavers cuz I enjoy that sorta thing. And then, for the first time I noticed this plant in our mini little garden area. 

Hmmmm. That’s weird. See, last year, on a particularly emotional night, when we were sleep training Liat and she was crying in her crib, I had a mini breakdown, because listening to her cry tore me into pieces. More than a normal woman. I couldn’t even stay in the house and Elie sent me out. Just Out. I went to CVS and trolled the aisles in a daze, thinking about the twins and how my heart was breaking that Liat was home crying and I was too weak to handle it. And then, in the middle of CVS were some ‘easy grow’ flowers. The only two varieties they had were Sunflowers and White Daisies.

I took it as a sign and though I have never been able to grow a flower in my life, I bought them. And then I planted them, and shortly after that, they budded, just a tiny little bit, and then they died. Go figure. You can choose to read into that as much as I did, (ie: a lot… anytime I’ve tried to grow a sun or daisy they bud and then die…. good, positive thoughts. I should have just nicknamed the girls ‘roasted chicken’ and ‘mac n cheese’ – two things I have created numerous times that have never died on me ) or you can be sane and logical.

Anyway, I took the ones that I believed were the Daisies and because they are perennials and I figured might bloom again this year, I dumped the dirt around my girls’ memorial rock I painted that is in my backyard. Because the Sunflowers are Annuals and I assumed they’d dried up, I think I just dumped the dirt in the trash.

So today, for the first time, I noticed that those leaves that had started to sprout a couple of weeks back, have just grown TREMENDOUS in the last few days- to the point where they cover the pink flamingo that watches over the rock (yes- I have flamingos in the front AND in the back of my house… wouldn’t you???) I’m thinking now that those stems actually are maybe too big for daisies and it’s possible I got the containers confused and they might be the sunflowers that weren’t Supposed to bloom this year… which was kinda cool. I’ll wait till they bloom and keep you posted.

And also, I told Elie. And he seemed to think that might be kinda cool too… or maybe he was just being sweet and didn’t really think anything at all.

But then, as I finished telling Elie, Molly started calling out- “Look mom! Two white butterflies! they like the bubbles! Two white butterflies!!” and those butterflies danced through our backyard for quite a while. Honestly, I was never really one to see these things and think of them in these mythical, spiritual ways, but today, I just did. And even more shocking, I think Elie did too. Or, again, maybe he didn’t really think much of it at all… I’m basing my assumptions about what he thought wholly on the fact that he glanced at me when Molly yelled about the butterflies. A glance. That’s it. I invent a thougfht process he may or may not have had  in his head, based on a glance. However, Maybe it was fueled by the fact that last night he and I went to dinner at a new friends house, and we talked about the twins, their whole story, out loud, for the first time, together. I don’t think we’ve ever done that. hmmm.

There was only one other time when I saw two white butterflies dancing with each other and it struck me  like that. It wasn’t a particularly emotional day but the car I was a passenger in pulled into a parking spot and those butterflies were Right there, in the windshield, dancing like it was their stage, and it nearly knocked the wind out of me. But anyway…

So, the rest of the day passed and was nice. And I’ve sat here at my desk for the last few hours working on some of the really Muchtastic things I have planned to help share The Muchness with the world. As I worked I thought about typing this post but was having a hard time getting focussed so I thought, eh, maybe I’ll just let it pass… not necessary to write about…

But here’s the thing.

As I sat here working, I kept hearing this really irritating, constant, buzzing sound. I’d never heard it before and didn’t know where the noise was coming from.

Above my desk is my huge Sunshine and Daisy framed print that I ordered the day after we lost them.

God as my witness, the picture was vibrating against the wall.  Not vibrating like weegee board haunted and possessed vibrating- I mean, I couldn’t actually see it moving, but when I touched it, the sound stopped. When I stopped touching it, the sound started again.

And then I decided to write this post, because that was a little too much for me.

Please, do not think I’ve lost it but if you look at the top of my post I started with “I felt like the twins were visiting all day… and now, into the night.”  and I was going to start by talking about the vibrating, but as soon as I wrote that line, the buzzing noise stopped. It stopped. I swear. that’s why the next line is “OMG. weird.”

It was buzzing for 2 or 3 hours straight before I started this post as I worked and in the entire time I’ve written this post it hasn’t started again.

I wish I knew what to take from the weirdness of this day, from the fact that my logic tells me this is absurd but my heart tells me it’s real.

I feel like I’m on a good path. I feel like they are proud of me. And I feel like they came today to say hello and they love me.

So weird.

It’s so late.

I’m beginning to wonder if I should even hit “publish’ on this post? As I typed that line I was beginning to wonder if by writing that line the picture would start vibrating again. It didn’t.

I skipped the part of  today where I reached into a pile of shirts to grab a gray one I thought was one thing, but turned out to be a shirt I last wore while pregnant with Liat. I put it on and had a moment then too. In the mirror. Seeing a pregnant body that simply wasn’t there.

Anyway.

Good Night.

Muchtastic ABC Chart – DIY – (And Day 22 of My Headshot Challenge! :) )

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So here’s how it began, back in 2011,

I was in the dollar store, that place is like a 7th heaven.

I’m always finding stuff that others might see as trash,

For me it looks like tiles to redo my backsplash!

Sitting on a shelf looking really quite distressed

were these wooden cubes with photos, I was really not impressed.

But then I saw the sticker, it was 3 frames for one dollar!

“you cant just leave them here!” I heard my brain a’hollar

So I took a set of three, and put it in my cart,

but I couldn’t just stop there, had to listen to my heart.

So I took another set, then another and one more

And when I turned around, I had cleaned out the whole store!

So I brought my purchase home, and stacked them by the treadmill,

Where that sat, and sat , and sat.

(Clearly, the threadmill got no use either. But anyway…)

And then one day it hit me, just clear out of the blue

I would make an ABC chart that sparkled and was cute!

Glitter paper I selected that everyone would want

and by computer I designed it, it’s all about the font!

I printed out the letters, backwards and to size.

then spray mounted them to cardstock, and I can tell no lies-

that cutting it was tedious, I had to use a blade,

but in the end I love  it, though my fingertips were frayed.

The frames I put together with a staple gun and tape.

it held it all together and I’m pretty sure it’s safe.

I laid out all the colors and arranged them out just right,

did I mention when I did this it was always past midnight?

But finally it was complete, I will admit I’m proud.

Sharing it on my website is the closest to a crowd.

That I can show and ask “You like?” and hope to get some comments,

(I have nothing to rhyme with “comments” but am leaving it there anyway, hint hint.)

My kids they love it and they point and sing the ABC’s

And in the daytime all the glitter brings me to my knees. 🙂

So thanks for reading all about this project I completed.

If you wanna, I’d be happy, just to know it’s tweeted!

 

 

Tova’s Muchness Challenge – Day 21- Sparkles always help.

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I’m not gonna lie. Today kinda sucked again. I don’t know… It is definitely related to the twins and the grief… I have come to expect an occasional “off” day where the grief just floods back in, but it usually subsides within a couple of hours. It’s already been 2.5 days of feeling ‘griefy’ and I can’t seem to shake it. I know it’s because I’m going through personal transitions. I was talking to a new friend a few days back and I was explaining how this loss truly reached so deep into me- to the most buried layers of who I am, and changed me almost on a molecular level.
Now, my goal is to figure out the future for this new me, in a way that exploits the talents and gifts I have always had, while honoring my twins, teaching my daughters, and being true to myself- the new me- a woman I’m still getting to know.
Anyhow, today… I lost it. At my job, something happened that really highlighted the internal conflicts between the new me and the woman doing my job. (ie: the old me)
I went into my boss’s office and did something I am loath to do. I cried.

Uch.

What am I? Lisa Lampinelli?

What I told me boss is irrelevant but it did help me feel somewhat better.

Then, as I waited for him to finish a phone call I spied some sticky back rhinestones on his desk and decided to bedazzle my phone.

It totally made me feel just a little bit better!

Then, I went out for lunch and passed Claire’s… which is sorta my achilles heel. I’d been spying those stupid nail stickers forever, thinking they area  huge waste of money, but also kinda muchtastic. 

So, I bought some. After all, what’s the point in having a job that steals so much of my muchness if I’m not gonna use the money I am earning to replace it with sparkle?

Ya know what? I kinda LOOOOOVE them!!!!

I really hope they stay on a while. They really make typing a whole lot more muchtastic for this keyboard (rather than screen) watcher…

Tova’s Muchness Challenge – Day 20!! – New People

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I almost didn’t go for lunch today. Almost. But then, I had to get out and breathe some air. I was feeling kinda down. Just sentimental about the twins and dealing with one of those days that just come and knock you on your ass.

Anyway, I went out and bought myself some baked ziti (comfort food) at the pizza shop and then I sat on a chair in the middle of broadway and perched my food on my lap, debating if I’d eat it there or just check my email and then go back into my office and eat at my desk.

And then, I heard someone call out “would you like to sit here?” and it was a dude at a little table eating his lunch. Hmmm. OK. I joined him and we started chatting. He works in my industry and we had a bunch of stuff to talk about and it was such a nice break in the repetitiveness to just talk to someone new! I am really thinking I need to do that more often… maybe it’s a 30 day challenge theme!!

Well, I wanted to ask him if I could take a picture for my blog but couldn’t muster up the courage so instead I google stalked him when I got home and recreated the scene with a snapshot from google maps and some third rate photoshop work.