Tova’s Blog

Meet Cory- I love this girl. She knows Muchness.

Posted on by

I met Cory on my babyloss journey pretty early on. Our stories and timelines followed a similar track- as you can read in her intro.  Amazing that you can meet and connect with people across the country and find comfort in each others emails and conversations without even knowing anything about their day-to-day lives and personalities. After more than a year of communicating through email, we finally became facebook friends and a whole world of Cory’s quirkiness was revealed to me… and I was psyched about it. 🙂

Here is her intro, in her own words, with a picture to give you a hint of things to come!! I am giddy anticipating her Muchness pics!

_______________________________

I feel like I am telling you the same story you have heard several times before; I am a Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) babyloss mom.  My story is sad, and hard, and long.  I had really intended to sit down and write it all out as my 30-days introduction but now that I am here I don’t really want to.  I don’t want TTTS to define me and I want you to understand a little bit more about me.  So, here is the readers digest version of things.

I have a beautiful, funny, smart little boy.  I got pregnant almost on accident (who needs that pesky birth control) and my pregnancy was boring.  I didn’t think so at the time, of course, but my first pregnancy was without a single complication.  I always knew that I wanted my kids close together so when the “duder” was a little over a year my husband and I decided to have another baby.  I got pregnant the first month I was off the pill.  (Turns out that I can get knocked up in the blink of an eye; it’s keeping that baby that is tricky.)

This is when the story starts getting harder.  I miscarried that baby in June.  We waited a month at my doctor’s direction and got pregnant in August.  My first early ultrasound was at 8 weeks.

Sidebar: I do this thing where I think of the worst-case scenario when I am faced with something hard.  It’s a bit morbid but I figure that if I can deal with the worst thing I can think of then everything else is something I can handle.

As I drove to the doctor’s office for that first ultrasound I went through every scenario I could think of to help me deal with the stress; Worst-case – no heartbeat.  Best-case – healthy heartbeat.  Well geez Cory, it could be twins…hahaha!  Yep, it was twins.  Identical twin girls!

I was diagnosed with TTTS in November.  I lost them January 13, 2010 at 22 weeks 3 days.  I labored and delivered them as if I was going to be able to take them home.  There is nothing more heartbreaking then waiting for a baby to cry and hearing nothing.  I held them for only a few minutes and had them cremated.  Their remains are still at the funeral home.

Yep.  Even those short sentences and the fastest possible telling of that story made me cry.  There is so much more but I am sure it will come out over the next 30 days.  How can it not?  Nov 2010 is when I started to lose my muchness.  And you know what?  I was much muchier before!  I am not one of those girls who stays home and sits on her couch all the time. But I certainly became that girl.  I am not one of those girls who cries herself to sleep and has flashbacks of early labor.  But then I was.

I got pregnant with my now 5 month old daughter in April 2011, 4 long, exhausting, emotional months after I lost the girls. She is beautiful and sweet and fun and a big part of finding my muchness again.  She was born in January.  Now that month is so full of emotion that I should just declare it a disaster and stay home for the whole month!

After she was born I decided (with the help a wonderful gal we all know and love) to get this train back on the tracks.  I am taking on new challenges and adventures and learning new things.  I am laughing and crying and finding myself again.  And it turns out there is much more much than I remembered!  I think I am supposed to have a Muchness theme but I think I will just keep you guessing.  I will tell you that there are fishnet tights involved! I say I am having a mid-life crisis but I am really having more of a mid-life party!

 

Family portraits. Appropriate attire required.

Posted on by

So, a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to buy a “family portrait” promo deal at a local Venture Photography Studio. Basically, for $50, you get an hour long photo shoot and one framed portrait. Knowing that the sitting fee is usually a couple hundred bucks, I figured what the hell.
And what sold me is the studio. Their brand concept is “anything goes”— wear what you want, goof around, have a food fight! They don’t care. They want to catch a moment that is completely unique to you, and they encourage props and background music to set the mood.
So yesterday I went looking for what to wear. I want it very Muchy. Very colorful. Very sparkly…
And I want tutus.
I stopped in at Betsey Johnson- the QUEEN of Muchness and tried on this $400 teal pompom of a prom dress. (are 34 year old women allowed to wear prom dresses?? )
I LOVED it. I felt fantastic in it. And it’s the very same color as my sofa! But, it was $400.
Buy, wear, return?? Tempting, but very not Muchy.
I left it there.

Then I headed to century 21 and found a glorious $12 alternative.

You’ll have to wait to see that when the portraits happen. 🙂

20110601-114331.jpg

MEET SHANNON- Our Newest 30 Days of Muchness Challenge taker!!!

Posted on by

Shannon is what they call “inspiring.”  Since I started this Muchness thing, I’ve heard that word tossed around a lot. (could be that I’ve also watched an entire season of the biggest loser and they use that word a lot, but I digress….) She really is.

Shannon is a TTTS mom who, like me, lost both of her girls to that horror of a syndrome. I knew Shannon when she was still pregnant, offering advice and support to other moms in the support groups. When her girls lost their battle, within days, at a time when I was hiding under my blankets or staring blankly at the TV for hours and hours on end, Shannon pulled herself together and created a TTTS awareness calendar that featured hundreds of TTTS babies, survivors & angels, so that she could raise money for the TTTS Foundation and give back. And that’s just one of the things she’s done.

This women is a powerhouse- seems like she does a million things at once for everyone around her. And I am THRILLED that she is taking The Muchness Challenge. Because it’s time for her to do something for HER. I cannot wait to see her MUCHNESS!!!!!!!!!!! Stay tuned for DAY 1!!!

Here is her intro…. Shannon writes:

______________________

My family is my whole world. If I had to choose, I would rather be surrounded by love rather than money. I have been with my fiancé, David, for 12 years and we have 5 kids together. We have 3 here on earth and 2 in heaven. Jacob was my first baby and he is now 5! He is sweet and tells me he loves me every day. When I had him I learned what unconditional love truly means. Our saying around the house is, “I love you forever no matter what” and I live by that. No matter what any of my family members do, everything will be fine and we will always have each other no matter what. My second baby is Andy and he is now 4! He showed me the strong bond between siblings. He is my teddy bear aka Andy bear. I consider my boys irish twins, they do everything together and have a tight bond. My third baby is our princess, Caitlyn. Princess is an understatement. She is the only girl in the family from siblings to cousins and everyone loves to spoil her and buy her pretty things. She is Daddy’s little girl and seems to get her way a little more than others because of her cuteness. Anna and Claire were our 4th and 5th babies who we said goodbye to 5 ½ months ago. They showed me how strong we are and how truly inseparable my family is. Even though they are gone they are always included and loved forever no matter what by us all.

My Grandfather is a fraternal twin and although he passed away before I got to know him, he left his grandkids a message. He said that one of us would have twins. Between me, my sister and my cousin Jenny, one of us one day would have twins. My sister had a set of twins that she miscarried and 6months later had a set of surviving, healthy twins. From that point I figured she was the chosen one to get the twin gene and any chance of that being me was gone. Then we got pregnant with Anna and Claire and we felt extremely lucky. To lose something so special and rare is awful. We felt blessed to be gifted these two beautiful identical girls. Our family would be bursting with even more love! Ecstatic, Blessed, Lucky, Special… those words don’t even describe our feelings, they were more than that.. Now, they are gone.

Anna and Claire were taken from us because of Twin to Twin Tranfsusion Syndrome. I delivered them stillborn at 23 weeks gestation after two laser surgeries. I had rare complications in both of my surgeries, and they were not able to separate their connecting blood vessels. I also got very sick and at one point almost died because of another anesthesia complication where my carbon dioxide levels were climbing and I could not breathe. I fought really hard against TTTS. I had the best doctors and we fought from the beginning full force. When we started I said I am going to have no regrets. In the event I lose either of them I do not want to look back and say, “I wish I would have done…” etc. I would never forgive myself. So I fought hard! The day we lost them, I will never forget. The day I held them, I will never forget. The day we buried them, I will never forget. These past 5 ½ months I’ve spent coping with their loss, I will never forget.

I’m happily taking Tova’s Muchness challenge, and am honored to be asked to do this. Muchness to me is being your best. Do something everyday that you try your best in. Maybe I want to challenge myself to make a new recipe, or learn something I never have tried before. Or maybe…. Just be the best mom I can be to my children on earth and/or to my twins in heaven. Or maybe, be the best girlfriend I can be. My 30 day Muchness photos will be things that make me smile, reasons to keep living, just noticing the small things in life that we all take for granted.

~Shannon

Lessons about flower breeding

Posted on by

So, the life of a babyloss mom. Ya never know when something is gonna happen right out of the blue to totally eff up your day.
I got off the bus happy and content. Walked by the flower shop I pass every day. Today they had a whole bunch of beautiful sunflowers. I decided if they had daisies- the white ones with the yellow centers, I’d get myself a bouquet. they had em.
As the guy was arranging my bouquet I asked what those daisies are called. “actually,” he said, “these are not daisies. They are a mix. Daisies are very weak. They last like, a day, and then they die. So they mix them with a mum. That makes them a lot stronger so they last forever”
Really.
Really.
Oh.
Really.
I got out of there before the first tear hit my cheek and then cried my way to work.

20110531-093511.jpg

IN TOUCH WITH THE MUCH- Let’s Flouresce!

Posted on by

So, I walk a total of five city blocks through midtown manhattan to get from the bus station to my office. It’s not the most exciting area of manhattan for people watching but when you activate your “Much-dar”, there’s enough Muchness inspiration to keep me relatively interested. Especially now that the weathers warming up.
With that in mind, I’d like to issue a

New Muchness Category Alert!!

On my walk today I saw no less than three people embracing the fluorescent colors so popular in my NKOTB obsessed adolescence.
Except the wearers I saw were not wearing braces and nylon baseball caps. Unfortunately, I only got a picture of one. I am going to have to learn to speak up and stop those I deem “In Touch With The Much” in order to request their pic.
The first was a super cool looking Guy in jeans and sneakers. Really clean cut looking, but those sneakers- nikes I believe, had the fattest, neonist laces ever. On a black and white shoe.
The second was this chick with the bag. It was hot.
br />
20110526-065505.jpg

The third, my favorite, actually made me laugh in delight. An older gentleman with a dapper bald head. Linen khakis. White button down. Bone colored Oxford shoes. Fluorescent orange socks. Sounds dumb but it was a beautiful thing. Damn. I wish I had a picture.

MUCH OR TOO MUCH. I still don’t know

Posted on by

20110526-085047.jpg

I bought them. They made me smile. But somehow, I think they may be too much, and I may return them. When I wear my Muchness loud and proud, people look. And I have to feel confident so I don’t start that thing in my head where I wonder what they’re thinking. If I am positive I love what I’m wearing, and they look, I assume they love it too. If I am on the fence about my clothes, I assume they’re thinking not as complimentary sentiments.
… And I think in these shoes I’ll feel like they’re thinking I’m Trying too hard. And let’s face it. I do try. Maybe I even try too hard. But usually that comes easy.
These shoes, they don’t come easy. And they try too hard. I’ll hold onto them through the weekend and see how I feel on Monday, before I return them.

I’n related news, once I was in the store, I just had to own these. I have no questions about them.
(except why did the right one give me a blister and the left one is the most comfortable shoe I’ve owned in recent history?)

20110526-085258.jpg

SNAPSHOT OF MY LIFE

Posted on by

This is a shirt I save for days I know I’m gonna need an extra boost of positivity. I gave been feeling stressed about work. I don’t know if it’s the work, or me, or some of the stuff that goes with working a high stress job, but in the six years I’ve worked there I’ve never felt this on-edge. And I gotta make it stop. All weekend I was feeling tense with the anxiety of monday morning so when I was digging through my closet and saw this top I thought “that’s it- it couldn’t hurt!”
I dressed and went to wake up Molly. She rolled over, looked at me and said “mommy, I love your happy face.” I replied, “I love yours too.”

20110523-083910.jpg

TOVA’S MUCHNESS PIC OF THE DAY

Posted on by

I’ve never shared a recipe on here before but here goes. The easiest yummiest healthiest recipe for greens you’ll ever see. Wait. Greens? Like, lettuce? No. Like collards or kale- that stuff you look at in the grocery and think “yuck” and “who eats that?” and “ew- must be buggy”….
Anyhow. Here goes:
1- chop
2- wash
3- sauté in a little water. Remove from heat.
4- while greens sauted make a mixture of these three things. Whatever proportions you want so it’s pasty.
5- pour on hot greens and mix
6- eat
7- thank me for showing you how to bring healthy greens in your diet without covering it in mayo and butterfat like Paula Dean would.

20110520-081739.jpg

Here’s a pic of the finished product. Complete with tempeh, portobella mushroom and onion pizza on a cornmeal crust.

20110520-082841.jpg